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• Golden Fool

  

  Member
   

  May 14, 2016

  Oh double-barrel question. That paragraph where you noted that I switched back to past tense, did I switch back to present after that? And did you make any changes to the tense? Because for the life of me I didn't even realise I'd done it 

  Oh double-barrel question. That paragraph where you noted that I switched back to past tense, did I switch back to present after that? And did you make any changes to the tense? Because for the life of me I didn't even realise I'd done it 

• The Wing

  

  Member
   

  May 14, 2016

  No to both. Sorry man. :E I can go back and edit that too if you like.

  No to both. Sorry man. :E I can go back and edit that too if you like.

• Golden Fool

  

  Member
   

  May 14, 2016

  Thanks Rancid, but I think I'll try to do it myself. Might help me realise why/how I did it.

  Thanks Rancid, but I think I'll try to do it myself. Might help me realise why/how I did it.

• Golden Fool

  

  Member
   

  May 14, 2016

  A moment passed and I realised that I had spoken the words aloud. I hadn’t said a word since leaving the temple, so my own voice sounded strange to my ears. The absurdity of that mingled with the absurdity of my situation, a smile spreading across my face, followed by a gush of laughter. Fighting to regain my composure, I realised that there was a steady stream of tears running down my temples and into my hair. The realisation causing my laughter burst forth again.

  I gave it a go, although I wouldn't be surprised if I've made it worse or not really changed anything at all.

  A moment passed and I realised that I had spoken the words aloud. I hadn’t said a word since leaving the temple, so my own voice sounded strange to my ears. The absurdity of that mingled with the absurdity of my situation, a smile spreading across my face, followed by a gush of laughter. Fighting to regain my composure, I realised that there was a steady stream of tears running down my temples and into my hair. The realisation causing my laughter burst forth again.

  I gave it a go, although I wouldn't be surprised if I've made it worse or not really changed anything at all.

• The Wing

  

  Member
   

  May 15, 2016

  I'd say that's really good! There's still the issue of it being in past tense while the beginning was in present tense, but still, nice work! I would say the last two sentences might work slightly better like this:

  Despite the internal battle to regain my composure, I realised that there was a steady stream of tears running down my temples and into my hair. The realisation caused my laughter to burst forth again.

  I'd say that's really good! There's still the issue of it being in past tense while the beginning was in present tense, but still, nice work! I would say the last two sentences might work slightly better like this:

  Despite the internal battle to regain my composure, I realised that there was a steady stream of tears running down my temples and into my hair. The realisation caused my laughter to burst forth again.

• Golden Fool

  

  Member
   

  May 15, 2016

  So what about it makes it past tense? Because no matter how I think about it I can't see the difference.

  So what about it makes it past tense? Because no matter how I think about it I can't see the difference.

• The Wing

  

  Member
   

  May 15, 2016

  All right, I'll rewrite that paragraph in present tense.

  A moment passes and I realise that I had spoken the words aloud. I hadn’t said a word since leaving the temple, so my own voice sounds strange to my ears. The absurdity of that mingles with the absurdity of my situation, a smile spreading across my face, followed by a gush of laughter. Fighting to regain my composure, I realise that there is a steady stream of tears running down my temples and into my hair. The realisation causes my laughter to burst forth again.

  That is present tense. The guy is experiencing everything (except the past) right now. See what I mean?

  All right, I'll rewrite that paragraph in present tense.

  A moment passes and I realise that I had spoken the words aloud. I hadn’t said a word since leaving the temple, so my own voice sounds strange to my ears. The absurdity of that mingles with the absurdity of my situation, a smile spreading across my face, followed by a gush of laughter. Fighting to regain my composure, I realise that there is a steady stream of tears running down my temples and into my hair. The realisation causes my laughter to burst forth again.

  That is present tense. The guy is experiencing everything (except the past) right now. See what I mean?

• Golden Fool

  

  Member
   

  May 15, 2016

  Ah yeah I can see it. I think what was causing it was that I was thinking about it as the character having spoke before that paragraph, and I was then unintentionally past tensing.

  Ah yeah I can see it. I think what was causing it was that I was thinking about it as the character having spoke before that paragraph, and I was then unintentionally past tensing.

• Golden Fool

  

  Member
   

  May 18, 2016

  I've got another chapter that could use some editing. Hopefully less so then the last one *fingers crossed* 

  I've got another chapter that could use some editing. Hopefully less so then the last one *fingers crossed* 

• Ben W

  

  Member
   

  May 18, 2016

  I'll take a look at this later Golden; relaxing before heading for my programming teacher to do things 

  I'll take a look at this later Golden; relaxing before heading for my programming teacher to do things