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Tenebrous' Tamriel Travels #2

  • Member
    July 2

    Once upon a time, in the long-gone age of 2017, there was a man. A man, with a thread, and far far too much boredom to be considered healthy. The thread was the flippant, sarcastic and really random-ass Tamriel Travels, where the adventures of Rahzam-do were chronicled in increasingly non-nonsensical manner. Alas, Rahzam is no more. Along with the Xbox where he was actually made. The Travels had, by necessity, ground to a halt.

     


    The world fell into chaos.

     


    Bretons, driven to despair, no longer sold sweetrolls on Sundas mornings. Vivec, the Warrior-Poet, was heard to comment with sorrow, “This has shortened my Muatra.” The Greybeards, after an evening spent in drunken mourning, accidentally burped themselves to death. And, worst of all, the Khajiiti banking system, facing an onslaught of budgetary cuts and rioting commoners, was forced to complete their most dreaded obstacle: tax records.

     


    All of that is still likely to continue, but hey, at least the Travels are back!

     

     

     

     

    Return of the Mack (it is!), Return of the Mack (hold the phone!)

     


    That's right, bitchachalatas, a new Tamriel Travels thread! Whereas the first one focused on Rahzam-do, the muscular tiger-esque dude, going through the Aldmeri Dominion storyline stuff, this one has a new focus, and pseudo-protagonist/authorial avatar/hapless idiot. Feast your eyes on Iinataehl Seedwing, a Bosmeri lass with more bloodthirst than height. Seeing how her focus is the Gold Coast, and by extension the Dark Brotherhood, there's going to be a lot of stabbings in her future.

     

     

     

     

     

    She will also be accompanied by “Blisters” the Hot Pepper Bantum Guar. Bantum guars are basically reptillian poultry, commonly found in Morrowind (like most weird-ass critters in Tamriel) and the hot pepper variant seems to have a mild case of the “on-fires”. And, frankly, having Iinataehl being followed by a flaming lizard chicken was too good a chance to pass up.

     

     

     

    That's a SPIC-Y meat-a-ball!

     


    After sorting out some logistical whatnot, our small friend traveled to the Gold Coast, the western chunk of Cyrodiil that has remained relatively untouched by the war. Upon arrival in Anvil, she was greeted by this person. This is a “new” introduction to the base-game storyline, wherein you lose your soul and fight the forces of Molag Bal. I pretty much just ignored her for now.

     

     

     

    cool story brah

     


    Now then. Anvil is apparently something of a “hot-spot” for the Dark Brotherhood. So, it's relatively simpler to get their attention here, rather than, say, Wayrest or Stormhold. And, in grand “TESIV: Oblivion” tradition, the way to get their attention is random murder! Which will probably happen soon. I admit I had some... Alternative priorities.

     

     

     

     

     

    Gotta get that Outfit ready. Before getting drenched in the blood of the innocent

     


    Anyhoo, that's all for now! Stay tuned.

  • Member
    July 2

    Formatting is being an issue, and is being worked on. Just FYI. :)

  • Member
    July 4
    Better looking and hornier than Raz-do, the new chick Seedwing seems to have a blatant disregard for cartography. Maps make the best mats, confirmed fact!
  • Member
    July 5

    Paws said: Better looking and hornier than Raz-do, the new chick Seedwing seems to have a blatant disregard for cartography. Maps make the best mats, confirmed fact!


    Hornier? The only significant thirst dear Iina has is for blood. Anyhoo, thanks for reading!

  • Member
    July 5

    OK, formatting is pretty much set!

  • Member
    July 6

    Tenebrous said:

    Hornier? The only significant thirst dear Iina has is for blood. Anyhoo, thanks for reading!

    Hornier as in she has one or two horns more than Rahzam did.

  • Member
    July 6

    Right-o! So, the introduction to the Dark Brotherhood of ESO comes courtesy of one Amelie Crowe, a Breton whose pretty much the walking embodiment of “edgy tryhard” tropes. She does have a nice name, admittedly, but overall she's rather bland. She does point you out as a murderer yourself, which in all fairness is correct; even the most heroic of Vestiges will slaughter their way through countless foes.

     

     


    WAKE ME UP! WAKE ME UP INSIDE!

     


    Interestingly though, seeing how Iinataehl was fresh out of character creation when she got to Anvil, her murder for the Brotherhood would also be her first kill at all! This meant that I spent a not-inconsiderable amount of time trying to find a memorable victim; I ran about pretty much half the city. But then I gazed upon a holy grail, a place where anyone killed would send shockwaves throughout the community.

     


    The main offices of a shipping conglomerate. Corporate murder FTW, am I right?

     


     


    Time to cut into their profits! And also employees.

     


    My target quickly became some Argonian spellsword called Markka. Mostly because he and some bulky Nord were the first people I ran into in the building, and Markka happened to look less threatening (he only summoned his sword when attacked). They both were felled without much trouble. After Markka was disintegrated into a pile of smouldering ash (that no doubt stank like wamasu crap in the Marsh) and the Nord was given as express ticket to Sovngarde, I strolled outside to find Amelie again.

     


     


    Now, the Gold Coast Trading Company seems to have a tighter grasp on enforcing the law than, say, the average peasant household. Therefore, while I didn't leave anyone to witness the murders, hence only having a 69 Gold bounty for assault, the mere fact that Iina trespassed in the offices as she fought meant that the guards were in “kill-on-sight” mode. Normally, this would be only slightly problematic, but since the offices were pretty much directly in front of the docks (and quest objective), I actually had no problem avoiding detection at all!

     


    But then, maybe Anvil's judiciary system just really is bogus, because a courier didn't have any reservations about handing the wanted criminal a suspicious letter.

     


     


    Where's the Skyrim nudity bug when you need it?

     


    In grand Elder Scrolls fashion, the “letter” really is just a black handprint—the callsign of the Dark Brotherhood, which evidently has remained untouched since the Second Era all the way to the Fourth (somewhere around 1100 in-universe years, the time period between ESO and TESV: Skyrim). In fairness to the infamous assassin's guild, it's admittedly a damn cool “logo”.

     

     


    We know... About your mother xdxdxd

     


    So, eventually, dear Iina found herself face-to-face with a Speaker for the Brotherhood, a dour fellow by the name of Tenerus. He's basically Lucien LaChance, though. Zero effort to distinguish him. He assigns you to go shank a noble in his estate before being admitted into the assassins' organization. Hey, sure, whatever, could use the practice. So, after a quick stop by the local Outlaws Refuge in Anvil, I was ready for killings. Which will happen next installment...

     


     


    Did meet this... Charming woman, though...

     


    That's all for now! Thanks for reading.

  • Member
    July 7

    Anvil. Does it give you that faint feeling of homesickness and nostalgia from a time when Oblivion was the most immersive and stunning thing ever? I remember the time when the bank will eventually be a haunted house inhabited by a lich. At least you didn't get caught in your corporate corpse capers and so were spared the disappointment of not hearing "stop! You have violated the law."

  • Member
    July 8

    Paws said:

    Anvil. Does it give you that faint feeling of homesickness and nostalgia from a time when Oblivion was the most immersive and stunning thing ever? I remember the time when the bank will eventually be a haunted house inhabited by a lich. At least you didn't get caught in your corporate corpse capers and so were spared the disappointment of not hearing "stop! You have violated the law."

     

    I can confirm from prior experience, the guardsmen in Anvil and Kvatch can, in fact, accost you with that infamous bit of dialogue on arresting you.