Well, look at it this way too, Ben. Xian has a bounty with him, Sorine. Would he risk her life and possibly forfeit his pay? All the more reason, IMO, to be tactful.
Well, look at it this way too, Ben. Xian has a bounty with him, Sorine. Would he risk her life and possibly forfeit his pay? All the more reason, IMO, to be tactful.
That is very helpful, thank you. Another idea came to mind which I will begin either later tonight still or in the morning. And very true on the points you have made with Sorine; didn't think of that (obviously :P)
That is very helpful, thank you. Another idea came to mind which I will begin either later tonight still or in the morning. And very true on the points you have made with Sorine; didn't think of that (obviously :P)
I would change this section slightly and end the chapter here. remember this is just my opinion.
Old
The black spider saw an opportunity in her eight eyes at her new prey laying on the ground. Arcing a leg in Xian’s direction he was forced to jump back and avoid any potential damage. He was panting lightly with a smile on his face from what I could see.
“YUL… TOOL SHUL!!!”
New
The black spider saw an opportunity in her eight eyes at her new prey laying on the ground. Arcing a leg in Xian’s direction he was forced to jump back and avoid any potential damage. He was panting and he seemed desperate as the spider, Nimhe, closed in.
End of chapter
I would change this section slightly and end the chapter here. remember this is just my opinion.
Old
The black spider saw an opportunity in her eight eyes at her new prey laying on the ground. Arcing a leg in Xian’s direction he was forced to jump back and avoid any potential damage. He was panting lightly with a smile on his face from what I could see.
“YUL… TOOL SHUL!!!”
New
The black spider saw an opportunity in her eight eyes at her new prey laying on the ground. Arcing a leg in Xian’s direction he was forced to jump back and avoid any potential damage. He was panting and he seemed desperate as the spider, Nimhe, closed in.
End of chapter
It's really late here so I probably won't be able to respond to anything for a few hours. I'm especially curious to see what people who aren't already familiar with Charon think of it. The story delves into his philosophy but not his background.
It's really late here so I probably won't be able to respond to anything for a few hours. I'm especially curious to see what people who aren't already familiar with Charon think of it. The story delves into his philosophy but not his background.
Here's a suggestion for you. When you deal with someone's thoughts or whispers try using ‘Italics’.
Here is an example.
And Charon had come to take that jewel from the men that held the throne, men that ignored the bloody hands that crafted such luxuries and symbols of power. ‘If men cannot respect their history, they still must accept it’. Charon thought making his way up the steps towards the cathedral.
Have a look at this section. It don’t quite read right.
The eye on the side of the impact looked glazed over, Charon assumed he was blind in it. It was restrained hit on the part of the king’s brother.
I only found a few minor errors and fixed them. Just a case of ‘your’s’ used incorrectly.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Looking forwards to seeing it posted.
Here's a suggestion for you. When you deal with someone's thoughts or whispers try using ‘Italics’.
Here is an example.
And Charon had come to take that jewel from the men that held the throne, men that ignored the bloody hands that crafted such luxuries and symbols of power. ‘If men cannot respect their history, they still must accept it’. Charon thought making his way up the steps towards the cathedral.
Have a look at this section. It don’t quite read right.
The eye on the side of the impact looked glazed over, Charon assumed he was blind in it. It was restrained hit on the part of the king’s brother.
I only found a few minor errors and fixed them. Just a case of ‘your’s’ used incorrectly.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Looking forwards to seeing it posted.