Mega-Dragonborn-of-Doom (1921) said:
Would I be correct in guessing that this is partially based off of Ryse: Son of Rome? The backstory seems fairly similar though it's been 'translated' to fit into Skyrim extremely well. I think that the backstory was a really great start to your build, it established the character well, set up what quests he'd do, what type of person he is and so on.
Before I go further, would you like me to give the build a spell-check and fix up some of the grammar?
Ah, right, and I've got a few suggestions for improving the build, mostly based on the presentation but I think there are a few things in the gameplay stuff that I'll go over. The main thing is just at the moment the build feels a bit fragmented by the way you start a new line for each sentence. I'll show you what I mean just by editing the presentation of the backstory.
-------------------------------------------
The Centurion
Backstory:
My name is Damocles Aventus. My roots are from Colovia a region of Cyrodiil known for it's dedication to the Legion. My Father was a Legionnaire, Commandus of the legendary Ninth Legion and my Mother was a noblewoman, a distant relative of the Emperor Titus Mede II. I also had a sister, a beautiful girl with eyes as blue as the skies and as big as pearls and golden hair. My Family had many enemies, including within the Empire. My Father was becoming too popular and given my Mother's bloodline, he was becoming a threat the Emperor, who had no children.The Ninth Legion was sent to support the Alik'r in Hammerfell. It is a day, I will always remember, because, after the Expedition, all that was found of my Father was his helmet.
Shortly afterwards, the White-Gold Concordat was signed in 4E 175. It was a day of great relief for many Imperial families, The Great War had taken a massive toll on all the families of Cyrodiil, including my own. But the war was not really over. It was just on hold. These were dark times for the Empire, the streets were filled with war veterans, who had no gold, and the weakened empire could not support them and it could barely keep up the laws, and because of the banning of Talos worship, rumors were starting to appear about the Nords's planning open rebellion. The Knights of the Nine and The Blades were forced to disband and vampires and other abominations swarmed the cities at night. The Thalmor saw it as an opportunity and supported all kinds of chaos in the Cyrodil.
One night my Family was invited to the to a banquet hosted by Titus Mede himself. On our way there my carriage was raided by vampires from the Volkihar.I was the only one to survive. My Mother's last words were "I must save the Empire from them..."
On the next morning, I was found by a Penitus Octalus patrol, that was searching for survivors of our carriage, not to help, but to kill anyone who still drew breath. They were led by a Praetorian known as Lucan Leontis, at first, I was happy to see them, but once one of them drew his sword, I knew something was wrong. I was ready to meet my fate, but out of nowhere a masked female figure with black and red robes came and slaughtered them. She was an Assasin of the Dark Brotherhood. She took pity on me and took me to the Arena. There she left me to become a gladiator and said that one day I shall repay my debt to her. I took the name Damocles Aventus.
It turned out I was good at it, no, not good, I was the best there is. I learned how to fight, how to kill, not only people but beasts as well.
It was not long before I was spotted by General Tullius, who bought my freedom and assigned me a place within the 13th Legion. Officially this legion did not exist, but unofficially it was a legion known for not only fighting Men and Mer but also Daedric abominations. At first, I was going to refuse, but then I remembered my Mother's last words. And I accepted to fight for the Empire like my Father did. In my days I had seen many battles and fought even more. We were being assigned all across Tamriel, including Hammerfell.
On our last assignment, we were sent to destroy a vampire den. But it turned out that, we were not the hunters, we were the prey. My entire legion was wiped out, once again my family had been taken from me. But I survived again and killed almost all of them. Once I returned to the General, I was promoted to Centurion and was given command of the 13th Legion, since I was the sole survivor. General Tullius requested me to be assigned to Skyrim on the frontier, and to answer directly to him. I was given a task to rebuild the 13th with loyal individuals and help the war against the Nords.
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Heh, eh that took longer than I meant, I just automatically started spell-checking the whole section on accident. Sorry mate, but I'll run you through everything that I changed about it. The primary thing is obviously just that I've edited the sentences into paragraphs a bit more. Realy it's just a way of making it easier to read. It makes it look neater, even though there's not technically anything wrong with what you'd done before.
Other then that. I've added in the pictures. The first one is just used to give the reader a bit of a quick look at how the character looks (to you) and set the tone for the build. The Imperial Sword I added was just a quick way to break up the Backstory a bit without having to shorten it because it's genuinelly really good. Basically, everything is done to make it easier to read your build, and to make it a bit nicer looking.
Just applying some similar ideas throughout the build can make the whole thing look really polished and nice. Which, while not the single most important thing (I mean, a good backstory or gameplay is better) it's just something that be relatively quick to do once you get the hang of everything, and gives your build a boost.
Man that's long as all hell. Sorry that it's gotten so long, but yeah just felt like showing off the changes (normally I'd explain everything but I found it easier to just show it off). Let me know if you need any help with anything, or if you want any clarification on anything I've mentioned. I do really like the build as an idea, so I'd love to help you out if you'd like :D
Thank you for the the corrections. As I said my english is not great , and I am most grateful for your spelling touch.
The story is partially based on Ryse:Son of Rome,yes and I also used Centurion the movie, and gladiator part, I thought of Spartacus:Blood on Sand and Gladiator.
I imagined a character, to be functional within the Skyrim world. To have a reason to join either side in the Civil war, but the hard part was Dark brotherhood. It was really hard to think how to fit them in the story.
[blockquote][b][url=/profile/Dragonborn1721]Mega-Dragonborn-of-Doom (1921)[/url] said:[/b]
Would I be correct in guessing that this is partially based off of Ryse: Son of Rome? The backstory seems fairly similar though it's been 'translated' to fit into Skyrim extremely well. I think that the backstory was a really great start to your build, it established the character well, set up what quests he'd do, what type of person he is and so on.
Before I go further, would you like me to give the build a spell-check and fix up some of the grammar?
Ah, right, and I've got a few suggestions for improving the build, mostly based on the presentation but I think there are a few things in the gameplay stuff that I'll go over. The main thing is just at the moment the build feels a bit fragmented by the way you start a new line for each sentence. I'll show you what I mean just by editing the presentation of the backstory.
-------------------------------------------
The Centurion
Backstory:
My name is Damocles Aventus. My roots are from Colovia a region of Cyrodiil known for it's dedication to the Legion. My Father was a Legionnaire, Commandus of the legendary Ninth Legion and my Mother was a noblewoman, a distant relative of the Emperor Titus Mede II. I also had a sister, a beautiful girl with eyes as blue as the skies and as big as pearls and golden hair. My Family had many enemies, including within the Empire. My Father was becoming too popular and given my Mother's bloodline, he was becoming a threat the Emperor, who had no children.The Ninth Legion was sent to support the Alik'r in Hammerfell. It is a day, I will always remember, because, after the Expedition, all that was found of my Father was his helmet.
Shortly afterwards, the White-Gold Concordat was signed in 4E 175. It was a day of great relief for many Imperial families, The Great War had taken a massive toll on all the families of Cyrodiil, including my own. But the war was not really over. It was just on hold. These were dark times for the Empire, the streets were filled with war veterans, who had no gold, and the weakened empire could not support them and it could barely keep up the laws, and because of the banning of Talos worship, rumors were starting to appear about the Nords's planning open rebellion. The Knights of the Nine and The Blades were forced to disband and vampires and other abominations swarmed the cities at night. The Thalmor saw it as an opportunity and supported all kinds of chaos in the Cyrodil.
One night my Family was invited to the to a banquet hosted by Titus Mede himself. On our way there my carriage was raided by vampires from the Volkihar.I was the only one to survive. My Mother's last words were "I must save the Empire from them..."
On the next morning, I was found by a Penitus Octalus patrol, that was searching for survivors of our carriage, not to help, but to kill anyone who still drew breath. They were led by a Praetorian known as Lucan Leontis, at first, I was happy to see them, but once one of them drew his sword, I knew something was wrong. I was ready to meet my fate, but out of nowhere a masked female figure with black and red robes came and slaughtered them. She was an Assasin of the Dark Brotherhood. She took pity on me and took me to the Arena. There she left me to become a gladiator and said that one day I shall repay my debt to her. I took the name Damocles Aventus.
It turned out I was good at it, no, not good, I was the best there is. I learned how to fight, how to kill, not only people but beasts as well.
It was not long before I was spotted by General Tullius, who bought my freedom and assigned me a place within the 13th Legion. Officially this legion did not exist, but unofficially it was a legion known for not only fighting Men and Mer but also Daedric abominations. At first, I was going to refuse, but then I remembered my Mother's last words. And I accepted to fight for the Empire like my Father did. In my days I had seen many battles and fought even more. We were being assigned all across Tamriel, including Hammerfell.
On our last assignment, we were sent to destroy a vampire den. But it turned out that, we were not the hunters, we were the prey. My entire legion was wiped out, once again my family had been taken from me. But I survived again and killed almost all of them. Once I returned to the General, I was promoted to Centurion and was given command of the 13th Legion, since I was the sole survivor. General Tullius requested me to be assigned to Skyrim on the frontier, and to answer directly to him. I was given a task to rebuild the 13th with loyal individuals and help the war against the Nords.
-------------------------------------------
Heh, eh that took longer than I meant, I just automatically started spell-checking the whole section on accident. Sorry mate, but I'll run you through everything that I changed about it. The primary thing is obviously just that I've edited the sentences into paragraphs a bit more. Realy it's just a way of making it easier to read. It makes it look neater, even though there's not technically anything wrong with what you'd done before.
Other then that. I've added in the pictures. The first one is just used to give the reader a bit of a quick look at how the character looks (to you) and set the tone for the build. The Imperial Sword I added was just a quick way to break up the Backstory a bit without having to shorten it because it's genuinelly really good. Basically, everything is done to make it easier to read your build, and to make it a bit nicer looking.
Just applying some similar ideas throughout the build can make the whole thing look really polished and nice. Which, while not the single most important thing (I mean, a good backstory or gameplay is better) it's just something that be relatively quick to do once you get the hang of everything, and gives your build a boost.
Man that's long as all hell. Sorry that it's gotten so long, but yeah just felt like showing off the changes (normally I'd explain everything but I found it easier to just show it off). Let me know if you need any help with anything, or if you want any clarification on anything I've mentioned. I do really like the build as an idea, so I'd love to help you out if you'd like :D
[/blockquote]
Thank you for the the corrections. As I said my english is not great , and I am most grateful for your spelling touch.
The story is partially based on Ryse:Son of Rome,yes and I also used Centurion the movie, and gladiator part, I thought of Spartacus:Blood on Sand and Gladiator.
I imagined a character, to be functional within the Skyrim world. To have a reason to join either side in the Civil war, but the hard part was Dark brotherhood. It was really hard to think how to fit them in the story.
