The Vianto Diaries - Entries 5-7

• Posted by Andrew Shepherd July 9, 2015 - 762 views

  Diary entry 5. Date - near the end of Frostfall, it's bloody cold!
  
  So here I sit in the winking skeever. Since I last wrote I have become somewhat famous in Markarth. In a court jester kind of way. So humiliating! Anyway, I managed to make some money out of telling my hagraven story and selling silver rings enchanted with 1% black smithing skill (I'd stashed some silver bars in the mine ruins and Calcelmo let me use his ennchanting taxable as I was "an amusing diversion from his important work". Officious prick.
  
  So due to my celebrity status I was able to flog the rings for more than they were worth through Arnlief and sons and I was able to kit myself out with some more adventuring gear, the idea being to get back to High Rock. It was going pretty well until the shop was closed by the city watch after the owner was caught smuggling human body parts into the store. Then a full investigation was launched and they discovered my scam with the rings and I was fined a heap of septims - apparently selling enchanted jewelry with anything less than a 5% skill enchantment is considered fraud. So I was banned from Markarth.
  
  I had enough money for a cart ride to Solitude and Cosnach accompanied me because "I am a good laugh". A**hole. So anyway, now I am here in the Winking Skeever, tired, cold, hungry and severely constipated because I refused to get off the cart for fear of being caught with my pants down by the forsworn. We did actually encounter three forsworn hunters on the road but Cosnach, as drunk as he was, jumped off the cart laughing hysterically yelling "you don't f*** with the chosen one!" and hacked them to bits. I tried to contribute by firing sparks at them but I was so stressed that all I managed was one big spark of static which got the cart horse in the ass and he ran a mile before the driver got control and Cosnach had to run to catch up. He was still laughing. Bastard.
  
  Dammit, Cosnach is now telling the Hargraven story to the patrons and they are all staring at me! I'm outta here!

  Diary entry 7. A few days later

   Yes, I realize that the past 2 entries were numbered number five. Give me a break, I have been through a lot lately. I also realize that I wrote enchanting table as "enchanting taxable" in the last entry. Its this damn magic journal. I bought it in High Rock and it has this feature called "predictive text" which guesses what you are about to write and then writes it for you. But it gets it wrong fifty percent of the time and on more than one occasion I have been tempted to chuck it into the Sea of Ghosts. Which is where I am now...

   So what happened after I stormed out of the Winking Skeever in my last entry was that I went up to the Blue Palace to see if I could get some work and make enough money so I could get out of Skyrim. Maybe I could get a ship to the Imperial city, it's gotta be better than here. On the way up to the palace I was accosted by some crazy, raving old man asking for help. I didn't really catch what he was saying and I gave him a septim and he pressed a big bone into my hand and said something about finding his friend in the Pelagius wing and I walked away as quickly as I could.

   So I get up to the palace and the Jarl is having an audience with some guy from Dragon Bridge complaining about loud hooligans having rowdy, drunken parties in a nearby cave late at night and keeping everyone awake. When he'd finished, I approached the steward for some work and he suggested I could look into the parties in Wolf cub cave. That sounded pretty easy. I asked him about the Pelagius wing (thinking there might be something of value in there that I could nick) and he gave me a key for the door.

   And then I noticed the court mage.  I was half-way through saying to the steward that she kinda looked like a vampire and then suddenly everyone is frozen in time, my trousers caught fire and I was obliged to tear them off, and the mage starts swearing and striding towards me. So I bolted. But instead of running out the front door, I found myself using the steward's key on a rusty old door in a side wing and locking myself on the other side of it. I stood there, nude from the waist down, heart pounding and listening to the mage cursing and banging her fists on the door.

  After a while she gave up and I wandered down this dusty, cob-web strewn hall and the next thing I know I am standing in this weird garden with two very strange looking guys sitting at a dining table. One clearly out of his mind, the other staring at me and trying not to laugh. Then he introduced himself as SHEOGORATH... and I nearly fainted. This only made him laugh out loud and he told me that he was planning to make me find a way out of the place we were in, apparently Pelgagius' mind (where else of course?) BUT, that he had been "so entertained by my adventures" that he was going to give me a gift and let me go so long as I stay in Skyrim. Daedric s***-head! 

   So he gives me this staff, whilst laughing his ass off,  and suddenly I find myself back in the Pelagius wing of the Blue Palace. Still without my pants of course... So I managed to creep out of the palace without anyone seeing me, it was night-time by about then, and my plan was to sneak back into the Winking Skeever and get a fresh pair of pants. I managed to get all the way to the door without being seen, but the minute I got inside I was greeted by a huge crowd, drinking and laughing and all sitting down listening to Cosnach, who was drunk and standing on a table recounting my misfortunes to the whole inn!

   Then everyone turned to see me standing in the doorway, holding the staff in one hand and trying to cover my rude bits with the other and they erupted into gales of hysterical laughter and all started chanting "chosen one, chosen one!"

   Well I just lost the plot. I kind of remember swearing in rage at Cosnach and then pointing the staff at him, and in a flash of light he turned into .... A f***ing HAGRAVEN!!!  I was suddenly no longer constipated. What happened next is kind of a blur but the tavern rioted in a panic and Cosnach flew into an hysterical frenzy flapping and squawking and throwing his talons about and just wrecked the place, mass confusion.

   I bolted out of the tavern, being chased down to the dock by guards, dick flapping and diarrhea running down the backs of my legs. I found a little row boat at the dock and the pilot asked where I wanted to go and I just threw some septims at him and screamed "get me out of here" and he said "you only have enough to get to Dawnstar" and I said "whatever, row godsdammit!!"

   So now I am sitting in this ridiculous row boat (to think he rows this pathetic little thing all the way to Windhelm..) shivering my butt off, writing in my journal on the way to Dawnstar. Seriously, I think I am cursed!