Warning: Strong Language and Lore Unfriendliness
“Say, Camvor. How ‘bout we travel South ta Anvil. I gots family there. Perhaps they’ll give us work.”
Camvor brought his head up from the bar table, which he had eagerly passed out upon after a long night of drinking.
“Aye.” Was his only reply.
As the two hapless adventurers began their journey, yet another misfortune found it's way into their lives. Only this time, the issue was far more personal.
“Oi, Camvor; there be the Imperial City. Back when Dagon attacked the Champion o’ Cyrodiil fought…”
“WOULD YOU SHUT UP ‘BOUT THE CHAMPION? It’s all you ever talk ‘bout! Alduin’s cock, man!”
Jorundr looked like a puppy cowering from a dragon.
“I… I be sorry… I just… I just thought you might be interested.”
“Well nobody f***ing is!”
“I… Oh… Okay.”
The men were silent the rest of the way.
When they reached Anvil it was night, and the guardsman at the gate forced them to stop.
“Stop right there criminal scum! You have violated the law!” He yelled, pointing at Jorundr.
“Wha… Me? No, you must be looking for me great-great-grand pappy. He was named Jorundr, too.”
“Resisting arrest, eh? Then pay with your blood!”
“What? No, that ain't what I meant!”
The guard drew his long sword and called for back up, and soon the two men were being chased across the Gold Cost by an army of randomly angry guards.
Eventually, after they could run no more, they surrendered.
They were stripped of everything and thrown into a small prison cell.
“Er, ‘scuse me miester… guard. What did we do to get arrested?”
“Why, you stole a horse from Bruma! It is only, for some mysterious reason, the most famous crime in the Empire!”
“Oi, Jorundr, don't yer horse have a blaze?”
“Aye.”
Camvor groaned.
“The animal you rode here didn't.”
The two of them groaned in unison.
Soon, Jorundr’s family came to bail them out, but refused to pay for the returning of their equipment. His grandmother provided them with clothes made from old potato sacks and some rusty iron steak knives.
“Well, this be just great.”
“Look on the bright side, Camvor! We be in a warm place, and we be able to find work.”
“How in Kyne’s forests do you expect to find work dressed as a giant, hairy, potato-being?”
“There be tales of a hidden room filled with treasure in that abandoned house; perhaps we can find it and get some gold.”
“Again with the f***ing adventures.”
The door was locked, and so they broke a window and climbed through.
“Ah! Damnit, I think I got glass up me arse!”
Jorundr ignored him.
“Must be somewheres in the cellar.”
As they descended the rickety steps Camvor threw his hands up.
“Aight, screw you, screw adventure. I just wanna sit here with all this wine.”
He pulled a cork off with his teeth and began chugging through all the bottles around him.
“Ya sure? I think I found tha door.”
It was a large rune painted on the wall that gave it away.
“Ain't exactly as secret as they say, is it?”
He touched the glow-in-the-dark-paint-rune and a section of the wall opened up, revealing another portion of the room.
The room was even darker, spookier, and bigger than the room they were in.
“I guess I can take a break from drinkin’ to see this.”
The two Nords walked in, rusty utensils at the ready.
“I think I hear summin. Like a… creaking noise.”
“Aye. I hear it too.”
Suddenly a horde of blue glowing eyes pierced the darkness.
“Skeletons. Shoulda known.”
Adona was out picking flowers and playing with her dolls in the front yard of her house. She glanced across the street to the creepy abandoned house next door and noticed the broken window, but didn't think much of it.
“MOTHER OF SHOR! SOMEBODY HELP US! OH GODS!”
“H… hello?”
Two men dressed as large potatoes came running out of the house followed by a massive amount of angry skeletons.
Adona ran inside her house and locked the door, but watched through the window on the tips of her toes as the town guard joined the massive fray on the streets
“Stop!” One of them yelled. “You have violated the law!” He continued as he chased down the men who had come bursting from the house.
When it was all over, five guardsmen were dead, the Chapel had burned down, and six civilians were either deceased or injured due to the skeleton attack.
Camvor and Jorundr once again sat in prison, this time for breaking and entering, second degree murder, and being dressed as vegetables in public.
“This is what f***ing happens when you try to make money, Jorundr.”
This time, it was Jorundr’s turn to be totally silent in response.
Comments
Kyne's forests, Oghma's tits! That made me laugh.