The Misadventures of Camvor Crooked-Nose - A Short Story

• Posted by Accursed September 20, 2015 - 906 views

  Warning: Some Strong Language and Suggestive Themes

  Camvor Crooked-Nose sat back in his chair, gulping his ale, and admiring a young bar maiden. Bruma’s nights could get so terribly lonely.

  “Oi, Camvor! How much are we bein’ paid fer this, anyway?” His friend Jorundr asked.

  “I uh… don’t rightly remember. But for doin’ this it gots’ta be a skeever’s ton.”

  Jorundr’s laugh echoed throughout the tavern.

  “Aighty then. We better git a move on, ‘en.”

  The two Nords stood up, chugged the last of their beverages, and prepared to set off out into the cold wilderness of County Bruma.

  “Oi, there be the statue o’ the Champion o’ Cyrodiil. He saved the place from Dagon in the time of our forefathers.”

  “Oh yeah, Jorundr? We gonna be even richer than he was ‘cause o’ this job.”

  “Me ma always said that he rescued me great-great-grand pappy from prison. I be named after ‘im.”

  “Yeah? And I be the Emperor.”

  The two men sauntered through Bruma and exited to the stables. Their horses were in the pen, awaiting their master’s arrival.

  The two men mounted the animals and rode out of the pen.

  “We be goin’ up to Gnoll Mountain. Summin ‘bout a campsite.”

  “Aight, Camvor.”

  They rode along the bumpy, snow-dusted road until the came upon a small pathway leading away from the road.

  “Too narrow to ride on. We need to walk the rest o’ it.”

  After tying their horses to a tree, they began down the trail.

  Night fell before they made it even half way up the mountain, so the two hearty Nords set up their camp.

  In the middle of the night, Camvor awoke to a strange noise coming from Jorundr’s tent.

  “Oi, Jorundr. I thought I told you not ta bring The Lusty Argonian Maid on this trip.”

  “Ah, to Oblivion with ya. Fine then.”

  The two men woke again at dawn and broke camp, continuing once again up the icy slope.

  When they reached the peak of Gnoll Mountain at midday, they found the ruins of a camp, just as their employer had promised.

  “Supposedly outlaws have set up camps ‘ere fer centuries.”

  “Who gives a shit? Just find the blasted gem he talked ‘bout an’ let’s go back to that brothel.”

  The mercenaries scoured the area, but found nothing. After an hour of sifting through the snow, Camvor sat down.

  “Just need to rest me legs a; OW! What in Oblivion is this?”

  He stood and pulled a large crystal from the space he had just sat on.

  “Camvor, ya did it! That must be the gem.”

  “Good. Let’s get our pay and blow it on some whores.”

  “I think you mean tha whores’ll blow us.”

  As the two adventurers descended the mountain path, their uproarious laughter could just be heard from Bruma.

  When they entered Bruma the day after, they walked straight to the house where their employer resided. Jorundr held the gem in a large sack while Camvor banged on the door loudly.

  “Oi! We got tha gem.”

  The door opened and the eager men walked inside.

  “Give it to me.”

  A male Bosmer grabbed the bag from Jorundr.

  “Now, for your pay. There is a large treasure said to be buried beneath the Church here in Bruma. Take this key; it will open the door and lead you to the chest.”

  The Bosmer then shoved then both back outside and locked the door behind them.

  “Shor’s Penis! Yet another journey for payment for tha first. What’cha make o’ all this, Camvor?”

  He sighed.

  “I guess we gots’ta go get tha treasure.”

  The both of them entered the Church and went downstairs to the catacombs.

  “I don’t see no door.”

  “Then keep lookin’, by Shor!”

  Eventually Jorundr found something.

  “Oi, Camvor, I found summin.”

  Jorundr pointed his fat, sausage-like, finger at a small keyhole in one of the burials.

  Camvor put the key in and opened the lock.

  “By Talos, it be another passage way.”

  The hall was devoid of anything but burnt out torches until they came upon another door.

  “This be it, Jorundr. Behind this door is the riches we be dreamin’ of.”

  Together, they pushed open the door.

  The room they found themselves in was completely empty, save a large chest.

  They walked up to chest, and opened its mighty latch.

  “A single Septim? Shor’s Penis!”

  “Look, there be a note.”

  “Well, what’s it say?”

  “Uhh, this might take me awhile… The true… treasure… is the spirit… of adventure.”

  Camvor Crooked-Nose sat back in the same chair as before, a large frown spread across his face.

  “What be the matter, Camvor?”

  He merely glared back at his travel partner.