Chapter 10: Diverging Paths II
Scene 1 – Oengul’s Forge
I feel this scene doesn’t give me enough information to well, set up the scene. I mean as someone who has plays the game religiously, I have a preconceived idea on what the forge looks like but with what’s given here the forge could be in the castle or a dark alley or the local bordello. Which in turn leads to the why this ‘Oengul’ person’s forge and not any other? What makes him so special? Is it because he’s a great smith or is he the only smith of Windhelm.
Basically, I find the setting a bit lacking on giving me a living, breathing world to immerse myself into.
Don’t appreciate the brackets and this will be the last time I will mention that so assume I’m complaining about it in future works.
I like the shield forging scene but I think it’s too short and its kind passive-ey in the sense that again, more can be done about it like more focus on hammering the metal, the recoil of the heavy hammer or the ringing of the anvil.
I generally like the dialogue between Kjeld and Ashur especially on Ashur’s end. His body language breathes that air of contempt, bringing life out of the page so great. Still not keen on this:
‘“A smart-ass.”’
Issue on tonal dissonance as in the contemporary-ish language doesn’t fit with the more antiquated speech patterns of the character.
Scene 2 – Serpent Stone Isle
Overall, I find this to be a pretty weak fight and/or action scene. I don’t get much of a sense of setting, how big the isle is for example and more importantly, the blocking for this scene – I don’t quite get where anyone is at a given time. Was Reidar fighting on the edge of the isle? The middle of the isle? Where did the Ice Wraiths come from and more importantly what are they?
Yes, I know Legend of the Skaal is written for fans of Skyrim but I think LotS cutting corners on describing such creatures hurts it more than it helps. I mean talking about fantastic creatures is one of fantasy/sci-fi’s greatest strengths.
On the actual fight itself, I don’t get that much sense of danger from Reidar. He dispatches the thing pretty easily like one would kill a regular snake. Also, I find it a missed opportunity for this scene to NOT show Reidar’s hunting skills in action. Yeah, the previous chapters claimed Reidar is a great hunter and when hunting was done, it was done off screen.
Here, the hunt is in the now and no special hunt skills, just run up to magic snake things and bash em’ in the head with an axe.
Of course, keep in mind on one of the worst things about writing groups: everyone is trying to ruin your work, especially other writers. I think one of the main reasons why this scene didn’t work for me is that well, I have my own biases and interpretation on why did they send TLD to Serpent Stone Isle and I just really like fight scenes but that’s something for another time.
Scene 3 – Windhelm Docks
Nothing much to say that isn’t nitpicks other than the pacing which I think is because it’s rather short.
But it still a touching scene.
Scene 4 – Palace of Kings
Mulling about it more, one of my key problems with game dialogue transposed into the literature medium word for word is that it doesn’t help the plot/setting/story and it’s just there because it was in the game. For example, this:
‘“Poisonous, of course, but it has its uses.”
“I suppose you want something for your trouble? Here.”’
Doesn’t do much if anything for the story I think Legend of the Skaal wants to tell. But this,
‘"You're alive. I owe Ulfric a drink. I have to admit, I didn't think we'd be seeing you again. I misjudged you. You're definitely Stormcloak material."’
And the following lines don’t bother me as much. Yes, the rest of Galmar’s dialogue in this scene is more or less word for word taken from the game but it makes sense in context of the story.
Nitpick: You don’t fold a cuirass.
Chapter 10: Diverging Paths II
Scene 1 – Oengul’s Forge
I feel this scene doesn’t give me enough information to well, set up the scene. I mean as someone who has plays the game religiously, I have a preconceived idea on what the forge looks like but with what’s given here the forge could be in the castle or a dark alley or the local bordello. Which in turn leads to the why this ‘Oengul’ person’s forge and not any other? What makes him so special? Is it because he’s a great smith or is he the only smith of Windhelm.
Basically, I find the setting a bit lacking on giving me a living, breathing world to immerse myself into.
Don’t appreciate the brackets and this will be the last time I will mention that so assume I’m complaining about it in future works.
I like the shield forging scene but I think it’s too short and its kind passive-ey in the sense that again, more can be done about it like more focus on hammering the metal, the recoil of the heavy hammer or the ringing of the anvil.
I generally like the dialogue between Kjeld and Ashur especially on Ashur’s end. His body language breathes that air of contempt, bringing life out of the page so great. Still not keen on this:
‘“A smart-ass.”’
Issue on tonal dissonance as in the contemporary-ish language doesn’t fit with the more antiquated speech patterns of the character.
Scene 2 – Serpent Stone Isle
Overall, I find this to be a pretty weak fight and/or action scene. I don’t get much of a sense of setting, how big the isle is for example and more importantly, the blocking for this scene – I don’t quite get where anyone is at a given time. Was Reidar fighting on the edge of the isle? The middle of the isle? Where did the Ice Wraiths come from and more importantly what are they?
Yes, I know Legend of the Skaal is written for fans of Skyrim but I think LotS cutting corners on describing such creatures hurts it more than it helps. I mean talking about fantastic creatures is one of fantasy/sci-fi’s greatest strengths.
On the actual fight itself, I don’t get that much sense of danger from Reidar. He dispatches the thing pretty easily like one would kill a regular snake. Also, I find it a missed opportunity for this scene to NOT show Reidar’s hunting skills in action. Yeah, the previous chapters claimed Reidar is a great hunter and when hunting was done, it was done off screen.
Here, the hunt is in the now and no special hunt skills, just run up to magic snake things and bash em’ in the head with an axe.
Of course, keep in mind on one of the worst things about writing groups: everyone is trying to ruin your work, especially other writers. I think one of the main reasons why this scene didn’t work for me is that well, I have my own biases and interpretation on why did they send TLD to Serpent Stone Isle and I just really like fight scenes but that’s something for another time.
Scene 3 – Windhelm Docks
Nothing much to say that isn’t nitpicks other than the pacing which I think is because it’s rather short.
But it still a touching scene.
Scene 4 – Palace of Kings
Mulling about it more, one of my key problems with game dialogue transposed into the literature medium word for word is that it doesn’t help the plot/setting/story and it’s just there because it was in the game. For example, this:
‘“Poisonous, of course, but it has its uses.”
“I suppose you want something for your trouble? Here.”’
Doesn’t do much if anything for the story I think Legend of the Skaal wants to tell. But this,
‘"You're alive. I owe Ulfric a drink. I have to admit, I didn't think we'd be seeing you again. I misjudged you. You're definitely Stormcloak material."’
And the following lines don’t bother me as much. Yes, the rest of Galmar’s dialogue in this scene is more or less word for word taken from the game but it makes sense in context of the story.
Nitpick: You don’t fold a cuirass.
@Delta
Thanks for continuing to critique my work, Delta! I'm terribly behind on critiquing yours, I apologize for that. Critiquing takes a certain mindset for me, and so does receiving critiques. xD I need to remind myself that you're helping, and that this is all for my own good as a writer. I struggle with self-confidence though, so realizing that I had another 20+ chapters of critiques to go was eye-opening!
Would it be silly to request positive feedback, as well? It can be helpful to know what I got right, too. But please don't force it! I appreciate your honesty, I just have thin skin as an inexperienced writer.
@Everyone
Anyone else want to be in the hot seat? :P Delta and I can't be the only ones hoping for critique and group feedback.
Also, what are you guys' thoughts on in-game dialogue? Seriously considering going back to rework some of the lines so they're a little less copy-paste, but I'd like some additional opinions on that. I personally like trying to create a fresh scene around old dialogue, or bend it so that it has a different meaning. I don't always succeed, but it helps me keep the story attached to the source material, too.
@Delta
Thanks for continuing to critique my work, Delta! I'm terribly behind on critiquing yours, I apologize for that. Critiquing takes a certain mindset for me, and so does receiving critiques. xD I need to remind myself that you're helping, and that this is all for my own good as a writer. I struggle with self-confidence though, so realizing that I had another 20+ chapters of critiques to go was eye-opening!
Would it be silly to request positive feedback, as well? It can be helpful to know what I got right, too. But please don't force it! I appreciate your honesty, I just have thin skin as an inexperienced writer.
@Everyone
Anyone else want to be in the hot seat? :P Delta and I can't be the only ones hoping for critique and group feedback.
Also, what are you guys' thoughts on in-game dialogue? Seriously considering going back to rework some of the lines so they're a little less copy-paste, but I'd like some additional opinions on that. I personally like trying to create a fresh scene around old dialogue, or bend it so that it has a different meaning. I don't always succeed, but it helps me keep the story attached to the source material, too.
@Spotted: On receiving criticism, I usually leave it a week or so so that I can detach myself a bit more before analysing said critique.
On positive feedback: Righto. I actually have more to say about the goodbye scene. Just let me compile my notes.
On in-game/in-movie dialogue: Well I just want my literature to be more than just a fancied transcript adaptation which is a general problem I have with game/movie novelisations. Literature can be more.
@Spotted: On receiving criticism, I usually leave it a week or so so that I can detach myself a bit more before analysing said critique.
On positive feedback: Righto. I actually have more to say about the goodbye scene. Just let me compile my notes.
On in-game/in-movie dialogue: Well I just want my literature to be more than just a fancied transcript adaptation which is a general problem I have with game/movie novelisations. Literature can be more.
SpottedFawn said:
@Everyone
Anyone else want to be in the hot seat? :P Delta and I can't be the only ones hoping for critique and group feedback.
Also, what are you guys' thoughts on in-game dialogue? Seriously considering going back to rework some of the lines so they're a little less copy-paste, but I'd like some additional opinions on that. I personally like trying to create a fresh scene around old dialogue, or bend it so that it has a different meaning. I don't always succeed, but it helps me keep the story attached to the source material, too.
You know what? Sure, I'll do it.
But not Part 1. I already know what's wrong with that hot mess. Inconsistencies in PoV, Omnisicent PoV, borrowing in game dialogue and game events and I really don't have the time or energy to fix it YET again. You're not going to tell me anything that I don't already know and have beaten up myself for far harsher than any of you ever could. It's total Sheeeeeet and I appreciate those stalwart souls who have actually read it. Thank you and I'm sorry for putting you through the pain. :D
However, Part 2 would be helpful, as it's taking me longer to write and I'm often stuck because I'm deviating significantly from its first draft.
https://tamrielvault.com/blogs/8449/4713/straag-rod-book-1-part-2-prelude
I'll work on linking the latest chapter I published into my ToC, been really busy lately with school. It's still rather shitty, but at least I got my PoV sorted out, so not AS shitty, but still shitty. So grab some booze, potato cheeeeps and have at it.
[blockquote][b][url=/profile/SpottedFawn]SpottedFawn[/url] said:[/b]
@Everyone
Anyone else want to be in the hot seat? :P Delta and I can't be the only ones hoping for critique and group feedback.
Also, what are you guys' thoughts on in-game dialogue? Seriously considering going back to rework some of the lines so they're a little less copy-paste, but I'd like some additional opinions on that. I personally like trying to create a fresh scene around old dialogue, or bend it so that it has a different meaning. I don't always succeed, but it helps me keep the story attached to the source material, too.
[/blockquote]
You know what? Sure, I'll do it.
But not Part 1. I already know what's wrong with that hot mess. Inconsistencies in PoV, Omnisicent PoV, borrowing in game dialogue and game events and I really don't have the time or energy to fix it YET again. You're not going to tell me anything that I don't already know and have beaten up myself for far harsher than any of you ever could. It's total Sheeeeeet and I appreciate those stalwart souls who have actually read it. Thank you and I'm sorry for putting you through the pain. :D
However, Part 2 would be helpful, as it's taking me longer to write and I'm often stuck because I'm deviating significantly from its first draft.
https://tamrielvault.com/blogs/8449/4713/straag-rod-book-1-part-2-prelude
I'll work on linking the latest chapter I published into my ToC, been really busy lately with school. It's still rather shitty, but at least I got my PoV sorted out, so not AS shitty, but still shitty. So grab some booze, potato cheeeeps and have at it.
As for in game dialogue. Sometimes I add it, but sometimes I'm REALLY tongue in cheek about it too. Part one of Straag had that Simplicity itself dialogue with farengar and then I went all Boromir with Aelberon with the "one doesn't" meme.
As for in game dialogue. Sometimes I add it, but sometimes I'm REALLY tongue in cheek about it too. Part one of Straag had that Simplicity itself dialogue with farengar and then I went all Boromir with Aelberon with the "one doesn't" meme.
Hi Delta, rather than give you a lengthy summary or type something on the fly, I remembered that this often helps new readers of Straag and puts the events of the saga in historical context.
Hi Delta, rather than give you a lengthy summary or type something on the fly, I remembered that this often helps new readers of Straag and puts the events of the saga in historical context.