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TSC Blog Editing and Assistance Thread

  • Member
    December 23, 2017

    This is probably how I'd do it. I think sometimes little details interspersed within dialogue can be pretty good. While interjections like "well, I don't want to say flesh, but that's a fairly apt description." are pretty clunky and sort of jar the reader's attention off the text. Aside from that, I would say to pay some attention to comma placings.

     

    “Emiya! You shall open this door immediately!” The voice of my best friend, Luvia Edelfelt, filtered through my door. “I’ve been calling for you for the last fifteen minutes, and you seem to have missed every command I’ve given you. Open up, or I shall bring my full might to bear!”

    “Ah, yes, yes. I’m coming Luvia, just calm down.” Rushing over to the door of my room, I threw it open to reveal the petite frame of my best friend. Luvia Edelfelt stood nearly two heads shorter than I did, not because she was short (as she reminded me on a near daily basis), but because I was 'so freakishly tall' (her words) for a Breton. Everything about her was the picture of feminine nobility, from her long, blond hair, twisted into fancy, drill-like spirals, to her (something something something). That was how she, and every Edelfelt lady before her, had been raised.

    “Well,” she sniffed, turning her nose up haughtily at me, "that took you far too long. Perhaps next time you’d be better off not doing… well, whatever it was you were doing in there. Unless you think it was more important than I am?” Her voice, sharper than steel and twice as cold, cut through my wandering thoughts, and I took a small step back at the frigidity.

    “Ah, you know how I get, Luvia,” I apologised sheepishly, putting on my most disarming smile. “I’d never intentionally ignore you, so please forgive me.”

    For some reason, Luvia turned bright red at that, and she began to stumble uncharacteristically over her usually precise words. “Ah… well, yes, Emiya. Of course. I know you never would ignore me intentionally. You're far too intelligent for that, of course! Not that you're that intelligent... o-or that I’m giving you a compliment or anything. It’s just-" She cut herself off at that, muttering something unintelligible under her breath and visibly composing herself, before continuing in her usual haughty tone, “Emiya, you have been called upon by the Edelfelt family to complete a task of utmost importance. The Edelfelt Heiress shall be journeying to the Land of the North in just two weeks and your services as a guard have been requested. As you well know, this is an honour amongst…”

    “Ah, yeah, I understand," I interrupted her carefully, not wanting to anger the Edelfelt Heiress. "I’ll start packing and we’ll head out when you're ready. But, you know, Luvia, if you really wanted me to come, you could’ve just asked, you know?” Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, as Luvia turned and fled around the corner before I could say another word.

    I blinked. Had I seen a flash of red as she ran?

  • December 23, 2017

    Hmm, originally kind of bummed that my internet's been down for hours now, but now not so much. Man, thanks for the help Soly, Kaiser, 

    I think you hit the nail on the head at the start there Soly. I struggle a fair bit with both sentence structure and just how to keep events moving around conversations, or doing anything other than writing the dialogue (which is still sort of choppy and shit at times). I realized with the latter parts of the chapter that if anything was happening other than a conversation I struggled a fair bit with building both parts of the scene. 

    I've kind of taken bits and pieces from both of your versions had to really struggle with it because I enjoyed both of them and really just ended up focusing on the elements of the character. Man, thanks for the help guys. I've got a second dialogue section that I'll edit with some of the advice you guys gave me, but I'll probably post that in here within the hour. I'm fairly content with the rest of my chapter, but if either of you ends up looking over the dialogue it'd be greatly appreciated :)

  • December 23, 2017

    Fuuuuuuck everything hates me. Managed to get completely cut off from the internet last night followed by forgetting to charge my Laptop and lost all the work on my ToC. Anyway, I've got a second shot of dialogue to work over, I've tried to take a few of the concepts and formats from the previous changes (thanks again for that Soly, Kaiser) and I'm a tad bit more confident about it, but it'll likely be a fair while before I'm actually confident. It's a much shorter section so I might as well drop the whole second half of the chapter. I think it's still shorter than the other section and it'll help me get some feedback.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    There’s something truly terrible about Skyrim. I have no idea whether it’s the cold, the fact that the entire province is little more than massive sheets of ice between mountains that are far too large to describe. Or perhaps it’s just the sheer aura of wrongness that everything gives off. It really is a desolate place, the only creatures that can survive both the natural environment and the Nords who live there are just as savage and wrong as the land itself. Frost Trolls, twice the size of a Cyrodiilic Troll (really closer to Ogres), Giants that would tower over the walls of some of High Rock’s smaller cities. Even the Horkers are built to kill anything that ends up beneath the ice or in the oceans to the north. 

    Luvia, on the other hand. Loves this land with all her heart. I’d say that it’s just her Nordic Heritage speaking, but I’ve met Nords that fear the idea of even stepping foot in this torturous landscape. Her love for this land is irrational, but she makes damn sure that I know about it (and that I accompany her anytime she crosses the border).

    “Emiya, wait up. Your freakishly long legs might be able to walk at that speed but I’m struggling to keep up. Slow down or I’ll have to punish you.” Her voice paused “Seriously Emiya, I mean it. Slow down this instant or I’ll be docking your pay completely.”

    “Sure, sure Luvia. I’ll slow down a little bit, but really you do need to consider that you might just be short.”

    “Emiya” Luvia’s shout echoed throughout the frozen plains as she stopped moving completely “I’ll have you know that I am the perfect height for a Nordic Woman, did you know that the average Nord stands at an exact 6 feet tall, while the average male Breton stands at only 5 foot 7. You are over a foot taller than the average member of your race while I am 5 foot 8, perhaps smaller than the average Nordic male but taller than…”

    “Yes Luvia, I’ve heard it a number of times this week. I apologize from the depths of my heart for even insinuating that you aren’t perfect in some manner. Please forgive me”

    “Well…fine, I shall forgive you, but only because you’re a brutish warrior who simply doesn’t know any better.”

    Our walk was peaceful. The silence of the Wastes was a lot more pleasant than I thought it would be. I suppose I should be thankful for Luvia’s unique spell for that one. Truly the way she edited the Gandr Curse [2] to warm the body just enough to maintain a perfect temperature. She really does deserve the title “Genius Princess of the North”.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    As a quick note. Is there any way to add 'footnotes' I've tried to edit the source code for the Gandr Curse down there, but in the end I'd rather throw that information at the bottom rather than try and work it into the story. This'll do in a pinch but if there's a simpler way I'd really love that (even if it is adding it in through the source code).

  • Member
    December 24, 2017

    Damn, sucks for you. I thought Google Docs has an offline mode that you could write on? Anyways, here's my version:

    ----------------------------------------------------

    There's something truly terrible about Skyrim. I have no idea whether it was the cold, the fact that the entire province is little more than a massive sheet of ice over a mountainous terrain that was far too large to describe, or perhaps it was just the sheer aura of wrongness that everything gives off. Skyrim really is a desolate place. The creatures that survived here are just as savage and wrong as the land itselffrost trolls twice the size of a Cyrodiilic troll (though, they're really closer to Ogres), giants that could tower over the walls of some of the smaller cities in High Rock. Even the grossly fat horkers are built to kill anything that ends up on the shores to the north. 

    Luvia on the other hand... She just loves this land with all her heart. I’d say that it’s just her Nordic heritage speaking, but I’ve met Nords that even fear the idea of even stepping foot on this freezing land. Her love for this land is irrational, but she makes damn sure that I know about it (and that I accompany her anytime she crosses the border).

    Emiya, wait up!" Luvia called out. "Your freakishly long legs might be able to walk at that speed, but I’m struggling to keep up. Slow down or I’ll have to punish you.” She paused for a moment to catch her breath before she continued. “Seriously, Emiya, I mean it. Slow down this instant or I’ll be docking your pay completely!”

    “Sure, sure Luvia. I’ll slow down a little bit, but haven't you considered that you might just be a little... short?”

    Emiya!!” Luvia’s shout echoed throughout the frozen plains as she stopped moving completely. “I’ll have you know that I am the perfect height for a Nord woman. Did you know that the average Nord stands at an exact 6 feet tall, while the average male Breton stands at only 5 foot 7 ? You are over a foot taller than the average member of your race while I am 5 foot 8, perhaps smaller than the average Nordic male but taller than…”

    “Yes Luvia, I’ve heard it a number of times this week." I internally groaned. I knew I shouldn't have brought up her height. "I apologize from the depths of my heart for even insinuating that you aren’t perfect in some manner. Please forgive me.”

    “Well… fine, I shall forgive you, but only because you’re a brutish warrior who simply doesn’t know any better.”

    Our walk was peaceful. The silence of the wastes was a lot more pleasant than I thought it would be. I suppose I should be thankful for Luvia’s unique spell for that one. The way she modified the Gandr Curse  to warm the body just enough to maintain a perfect temperature—she really does deserve the title “Genius Princess of the North”.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    I hope you don't mind, but I tend to put italics on words I want to stress out as a way for the characters to emphasis what they are saying. I gave my own solution to the Gandr Curse thing. Don't know if it's suits you though.

  • December 24, 2017

    Yep...it most certainly does...My Word autosaves every 5 minutes too, but you know what...Without fail, I forget to use it absolutely everytime I write something. I do most of my smaller writing just on the site and with the ToC I wasn't expecting it to reach anywhere near the length that would be a setback. Shame too, I usually write better the first time around and then up not liking the second version as much..

    Anyway. I do like using italics personally, it was just something taught out of me I suppose. I pretty much always got told not to use italics/bold writing when writing anything (including stories) so I've got to teach myself to say "screw the rules". It definitely looks and feels a lot better, makes it easier to convey tone without describing the tone in explicit detail. 

    As for the little 'image icon thingy'...well I quite enjoy the idea, gotta admit I might find something a bit simpler/less colourful but the idea has a lot of merits. Later on, I could even use them as links to pages if I end up going that route. But damn, that was a great idea, thanks, Kaiser.

     

    EDIT: Will look over your edits soon. Aiming to post tomorrow but I've got a bit of last minute Christmas stuff to do. It looks much better, not sure exactly why but it just looks more pleasing to my eyes and I haven't even read the words yet :D

    EDIT 2: Yo Kaiser...can I just call you Axius instead? Honestly had me confused for a fair while because I'm terrible at keeping up with name changes, and we've got another Kaiser running about. Much easier to use Axius if that's cool (I still call some people by names they haven't used in years, I'm usually pretty terrible at adapting :P)

  • Member
    December 24, 2017
    I'm cool with that. You call me Axius, then I'll call you Deebs. Be warned though, I might change my username once again as part of my TamrielVault New Year resolution.
  • December 25, 2017

    Bugger Axius, I'm late with my reply. Dozed off a bit earlier than I'd planned last night (by this I mean 1 PM instead of 2 or 3...my sleep cycle is really messed up).But man those edits were really something, absolutely loved it. I think I did end up keeping the first paragraph or two of my original chunk but I'm not entirely sure... 

    Anyway, thank you immensly for the help mate, probably never would've posted the full chapter if it weren't for you. Now I just gotta finish preparing and my Christmas Gift to myself will be complete.

  • December 27, 2017

    Guess who's back. Back again. If you didn't guess, it's me. I'm back with another chapter (that's going to be shorter I think...anyway, it's done and there's less dialogue this time) but I wanted to run the start through here because I'm not sure on it. Definitely more than the other two sections, so I think I'm improving a little (or I'm lowering my own standards :P) but yeah, would be greatly appreciated.

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    I won’t be ashamed to admit that the journey to Markarth was particularly arduous for me. Even though I’ve been here multiple times with Luvia, the weather, temperature and pure savagery of the land never failed to surprise me. The last week had only gotten us a third of the way from Riften to Whiterun, less than half of our total journey, and still, we’d nearly been killed twice by Frost Trolls and I swear Luvia is purposefully running into these Bandits. The last fight with them was two days ago now, but before that, we’d had to put up with at least four different groups. Sure the fights are rather easy, Luvia or myself are simply powerful enough to take out two dozen regular warriors, and none of them was particularly well trained to fight against Magi. 

    It was mostly the cold, the terrible, terrible cold that made it so horrible.

    “Emiya” Luvia's voice broke the silence that I'd been enjoying so much for the last few days “I suggest that we head towards that Fort to at least rest for the night. We haven’t had anything other than a cave to take shelter in over the last few nights, and it really would be better to stay somewhere ‘civilized.’ So please Emiya” her pleading voice really got to me, the normally confident, proud Edelfelt Heiress lowering herself to plead with a second-rate Magus? Uh, I just couldn’t resist that, and she damn well knew it.

    “Of course Luvia, we really have no reason to continue on and I’d hate for you to end up too tired to continue.” I broke off to smiled at her  “And, well I can't deny that a warm bed would do me a lot of good. Have this kink in my back that just won’t stop bugging me” I rubbed my head sheepishly as I said this, her barely held back giggling being the only response from her for a good five minutes.

    “Say Emiya, can you show me your sword?”

    “Huh, my….” I was cut off almost straight away by a madly blushing Luvia

    “Wait, no that. I mean…that is to say, I, I. That’s not what I meant to say, it wasn’t supposed to sound so strange, I… Shirou, I want to see some of your blades. Yes, your blades. I've seen Stormfang in action and a few more generic swords but I know that you've got dozens of different ones, and I kind of just wanted to see a few of them. So pleeeeease Emiya”

    That was an intensely strange reaction from Luvia, hadn’t even begun talking yet. Hmm, she didn’t seem to say anything that strange but. Huh, well women will be strange at times.

    “Well alright then Luvia You’ve already seen Stormfang II in action, but it’s more of a ranged weapon. My favourite close combat sword would probably be this one”

    ------------------------------------

    I'm fairly confident in the rest of the chapter. Or willing to fuck it up I suppose :D It's basically one large combat scene and I think I'll either have written it well, or it'll blow but I'll learn from it in a few days :D

  • Member
    December 28, 2017

    Ask and you shall receive! I did some editting, and added a few words. So far no problems on grammar or spelling. However, you do need to pay attention with your punctuations marks. Mostly commas and full stops.

    ------------------------------------

    I won’t be ashamed to admit it, but that the journey to Markarth was particularly arduous for me. Even though I'd been here multiple times with Luvia, the climate and wildness of the land never failed to surprise me. Last week had only gotten us a third of the way from Riften to Whiterun, less than half of our total journey, and still, we’d nearly been killed twice by Frost Trolls and I swear Luvia is purposefully running into these bandits. The last fight we had with them was two days ago now, and before that, we’d had to put up with at least four different groups. Sure the fights were rather easy, Luvia or myself are simply powerful enough to take out two dozen regular warriors, and none of them were particularly well trained to fight against Magi. 

    It was mostly the cold, the terrible, terrible cold that made it so dreadful.

    “Emiya,” Luvia's voice broke the silence that I'd been enjoying so much for the last few days. “I suggest that we head towards that fort to at least rest for the night. We haven’t had anything other than a cave to take shelter in over the last few nights, and it really would be better to stay somewhere ‘civilized’. So please Emiya,” She pleaded. The normally confident, proud heiress of the Edelfelt family pleading to a second-rate Magus? I just couldn’t resist that, and she damn well knew it.

     

    “Of course, Luvia. We really have no reason to continue on and I’d hate for you to end up too tired to continue.” I said to her with a small smile. “And, well I can't deny that a warm bed would do me a lot of good. I have this kink in my back that just won’t stop bugging me” I rubbed my head sheepishly.

    Luvia giggled for a good five minutes. She barely held back it back, which was rather... unlady-like of her to do.  “Say Emiya, can you show me your sword?”

    “Huh, my” I was surprised at the request, but was cut off straight away by a madly blushing Luvia.

    “Wait, no, not that!! I mean… that is to say, I... I... T-That’s not what I meant to say. It... it wasn’t supposed to sound so strange. I… Shirou, I want to see some of your blades. Yes, your blades! I've seen Stormfang in action and a few more generic swords, but I know that you've got dozens of different ones, and I kind of just wanted to see a few of them. So... pleeeeease Emiya?”

    It was very strange reaction I saw from Luvia, and I hadn’t even begun talking yet. Hmm, she didn’t seem to say anything that strange but... I mentally shrugged. Huh, well women can be strange at times. “Well, alright then, Luvia. You’ve already seen Stormfang II in action, but it’s more of a ranged weapon. My favourite close combat sword would probably be this one."

  • December 28, 2017

    Uh, was it my terrible habit of using too many commas? I really struggle there for some reason, no idea why but I just use them more than I should. If it's something else then I've got no idea. Anyway, thanks again for the help Axius. I'll aim to keep an eye on my grammar, but it all looks a lot better. The last two paragraphs in particular just feel a lot more like what I was originally aiming for :