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TSC Blog Editing and Assistance Thread

  • Member
    October 7, 2016

    Awwwwoooo

    As before, some of this is just my opinion. Some of these edits are due to my writing style clashing with your own so take them as you will, an opinion and not necesserily anythingwhich needs to be changed.

    I blinked, before clearing my throat. Despite the fact that we didn't find Mastengwe, and hence could not cure her vampirism, Elereth seemed to have regained most of her former spirits, and after about a week of travel, we had arrived at the town of Mathiisen without incident. I said, “Razum-dar, hello. We were sent by Battlereeve Urcelmo about two weeks ago, but we had… delays. What's the situation here?”

    I would suggest having a switcharound here. The way it reads to me is as they couldn't find Mastengwe, they couldn't cure Mastengwe however despite this Elereth's spirit is higher than before.

    we didn't find Mastengwe, and hence could not cure Elereth of her vampirism, she still seemed to have regained

    You have two seperate things happening in one sentence. Switching the comma to a period makes a nice break in it and prevents it from being too long. This is easily fixed here...

     to have regained most of her former spirits. After about a week of travel

    Lilinastre hummed. “It's a major smithing town. Supplies most of the First Marines with arms and armor, right?” She asked.   Capital S 

    A few alterations here. Again, some are my personal choice

    “Here is the plan. We split up.” Razum-dar explained, growing a bit more serious. “You, Ardolan, and a companion of your choosing will meet with agent Fistalle at her home. Another will join Raz in scouting the town, searching for possible Heritance members. And one will pose as a merchant, to blend in with the people and hear what they say.” He looked at my group. “Be warned, all of you. Even without the idiot racists of the insurgents, Mathiisen is known for not tolerating outsiders. This one suggests those not of Altmeri stock to keep a low profile, and avoid talking to the High Elves when possible. We do not wish to cause a problem… Yet.”

    Here's my version...

    “Here is the plan. We split up.” Razum-dar explained, growing a bit more serious. “You, Ardolan, and a companion of your choosing will meet with agent Fistalle at her home. Another will join Raz in scouting the town searching for possible Heritance members and one will pose as a merchant to blend in with the people and hear what they say.” He looked at my group. “Be warned, all of you. Even without the idiot racists of the insurgents, Mathiisen is known for not tolerating outsiders. This one suggests those not of Altmeri stock to keep a low profile and avoid talking to the High Elves when possible. We do not wish to cause a problem… Yet.”

    All I've done is taken out a few commers which helps the whole flow of the paragraph.

    This is my way of writing rather than an actual error

    “Excuse me. May I be so rude as to ask your business here?” he asked politely despite the narrowed eyes.

    I'm thrown by your use of the word suddenly. He suddenly relaxed?

    Upon hearing this, the Redguard relaxed. “Ah, the Bosmer lass? It's that house, just over there.” he said, signaling. “I must admit, you two struck me as being the snobbish type. Maybe it's your gear. Most Altmer here are, no offense. But I know Fistalle, she's alright. Not many of your folk would befriend a Wood Elf like her.”

    I would add a bit here to explain the effect of the Altmer on the blacksmith.

    Suddenly, a stern-looking Altmer appeared, walking quickly towards us. “Ah, that's a tale for another time. I've taken too much of yours already. If you need me for some reason, name's Khavas.” the smith said kindly, before turning to the Altmer. “Condalin, I'll be right there, give me a moment.”

    When a stern-looking Altmer appeared from around a corner and started walking quickly towards us, the blacksmith seemed distracted and cut the 'interrogation' short. “Ah, that's a tale for another time. I've taken too much of yours already. If you need me for some reason, name's Khavas.” the smith said kindly, before turning to the Altmer. “Condalin, I'll be right there, give me a moment.”

    You have mentioned he is reading the note so there is no point having 'it read'

    I crouched, picking up a note from her hand and began reading it. “One day, a great big kitty with a tawny hide was playing with a little bag. The cat poked his head into the bag. He was a very nosy, hungry cat. He was hoping to find food in the bag. Instead, he found two rats hiding inside! One of them had a blade, and its' head was covered in silk. The other wore a veil, and hissed in annoyance. The cat realized that the only way he could get these rat out of the bag was to let in more light. Under the light, the rats would be forced to fight or flee.”

    My prefrence again.

    That was the first time I saw Razum-dar become completely serious since the murder of the Silvenar. The smile slipped from his face and his eyes filled with grief. He sighed, and said: “Dead? Dark Moons. Damn these racist fanatics! Was there anything unusual in her house?”

    I don't think a comma is needed here.

    Suhr snorted. “Many are things Khajiit know that others do not.”

    The use of the word suddenly again throws things out. After all does she scream out when she finds it?

    Noticing a scrap of parchment on the ground, Lili picked it up and quickly read it. “Stars, Raz was right. Heritance is here—they're forcing the workers to forge 

    My prefrence again...

    I nodded—before the sound of a fight reached our ears. I drew my sword, and heard my companions arm themselves with their weapons as we ran to the source of the commotion. It was an Altmer, 

    Capital S

    “Yeah. Should be easy, provided the distraction works.” She said, shrugging.

    You have ststed there is shouting so no need for a voice to cry out unless it is of some importance. Someone in command or someone trying to organise. Also a comma which isn't needed. This is also a good otpputunity to use sudden as it is a very quick, surprising event.

    Suddeenly we heard shouting coming from the street. “Fire on the deck! Someone get some water!” Indeed, smoke could be seen rising from nearby Malanie's house. After another ten minutes or so, Elereth and Lilinastre returned.

    Another comma here. I added a period as well. 

    I grunted before replying “Well, best get on with it then.”

    My prefrence again.

    “You don't look like you belong here.” the guard said, sternly.

    Comma isn't needed here.

    I blinked, then nodded. “Well, gods know we could use the help… Alright. Khavas, Raz, with me. Lili, Suhr, go with Elereth. We'll fight the canonreeve while the other group takes on the forgemaster.”

    Just so you are aware...

    You Dominion lackeys are all the same—all bark and no bite.

    I'm going to pinch this... I can imagine Aela's look when she is told she is all bark...

    Capital 'H'

    “Good! We could use the exercise!” He taunted.

    No need for the comma

    It hit my shoulder and sent me flying. I landed in a heap, dropping my sword. I snarled wordlessly—my arm was

    Capital 'H'

    He shook his head. “As the Khajiit said, I travel better alone. But I'm sure we'll see each other again.” He said. “Good luck on the road, all of 

    Slight grammar change here. Capital 'S' and removal of comma.

    “I'm not sure.” She said before sighing again. “But, this isn't the place to talk about this… 

     

    All in all this was a nice read. Talk about action. Nothing like the culling of a town. Looking forwards to seeing this up. 

    Sotek Loyal Hound of Hircine

  • Member
    October 7, 2016
    Thanks, Sotek! I'll have to take a closer look when I get home, but a quick glance shows you have a point with most of your corrections. I'll hop to editing and posting as soon as I can.
  • Member
    October 12, 2016

    Awwwooo

    I'm sticking this here because I don't want to clutter up the blogs. 

     

    The Smith's Request

     

    Ian S. McClure

     

    We walked in silence, at first, the snow crunching beneath our armored boots. Hadvar seemed content to revel in his surroundings, a faint smile on his face as he led the way to Riverwood, our destination. Eventually, however, he broke the quiet. “I grew up in Riverwood, you know,” he said, stopping to look at me. “I'm happy to be going back there—it's been a few years since my last visit. I wonder how Uncle Alvor is doing...” Here, he stopped, looking at me. “What about you? Where are you from?”.

    All I'm going to do is look at this paragraph. What would be nice is if other readers put in their opinions as these are mainly my thoughts and suggestions. I don't always get get it right myself....

    We walked in silence, at first, the snow crunching beneath our armored boots.

    There's no need for the first comma here. If you read the line out loud you will find natural pause spots. 'We walked in silence..... at first...  isn't one of them.

    We walked in silence at first, the snow crunching beneath our armored boots.

    Now this little fellow ( I don't know his name)  ';' is a sort of period/comma. It kind of gives the sentence a stop point yet allows the sentence to caryy on...

    I think...

    Hadvar seemed content to revel in his surroundings, a faint smile on his face as he led the way to Riverwood; our destination.

    Here's another comma which isn't needed. 

    Eventually, however, he broke the quiet.

    Now this line...

    “I grew up in Riverwood, you know,” he said, stopping to look at me. “I'm happy to be going back there—it's been a few years since my last visit. I wonder how Uncle Alvor is doing...” Here, he stopped, looking at me. “What about you? Where are you from?”.

    So as we understand it, Hadvar stops to look at the character, then he stops again and looks at the character. Either that or he is stopping what he was saying. But even so he is still looking at the character.

    This is what I suggest. Feel free to manipulate so it fits your style or blatantly ignore it...

    :)

    “I grew up in Riverwood, you know,” he said as he came to a stop. “I'm happy to be going back there—it's been a few years since my last visit. I wonder how Uncle Alvor is doing...” Turning to me, he asked, “What about you? Where are you from?”

     

    I for one am enoying your work so don't get disheartened. 

    Looking forwards to your next chapter and the journey to Whiterun.

    Sotek Loyal Hound of Hircine

  • Member
    October 12, 2016

    Crap, didn't get the notification that you'd posted here. Thanks, Sotek! Gonna update the blog now. Also, quick Google search reveals ";" is called a semicolon. So that's one mystery solved... :P

  • Member
    October 31, 2016

    Wrote my first blog post, but I do have a question: How does one create a table of contents page, and where does one post it? 

  • Member
    October 31, 2016

    dallan007 said:

    Wrote my first blog post, but I do have a question: How does one create a table of contents page, and where does one post it? 

    There's a Table of Contents tag for blog entries (#TSC:ToC). Post the Table of Contents as a blog under that category. :D

     

  • Member
    November 16, 2016

    Hallo! Here we are with Part 17 of Agents of the Queen, featuring the Defiance Festival, more vampire angst from Elereth, and fun with drunk Lili and frog-racing! Please take a look when you guys can. Thanks! 

     

    The Defiance Festival


    Ian S. McClure


    I can't believe it, Ardolan!” Lilinastre said excitedly. “We've arrived just in time for the Defiance Festival!”


    Indeed, the city of Skwatch was in a most festive mood. Everywhere, one could see dancers, bards, merchants and more, all contributing to the celebration. I smiled, and looked to my group. “The Defiance Festival, for those that do not know,” I explained proudly, “is a celebration of the retaking of Skywatch from the Sload, in times past. It was a massive battle. But today, we Altmer use it as an excuse to unwind and have a grand party, in which the whole city participates.”


    Suhr smiled, petting Kismet. “Truly? Well, Jone and Jode know we Khajiit like a party.”


    Elereth smiled, but only slightly. She was still distressed over her condition, but even she was clearly having her spirits lifted. “Well, I guess we have to find Razum-dar, huh? No time for fun.” she said.


    I waved a hand airily. “Who said that, Elereth? I'll handle finding Razum-dar. I think you all deserve a rest, hrm?”


    Oh, come on, Ardolan. You deserve a rest, too!” Lili said. “I'm sure Raz can wait a bit.”


    Well, perhaps.” I said, shrugging. “Though I admit I've never been one for such festivals. Frankly, I don't find them interesting. Still, you have a point, Lili.”


    "Bah. You're so boring, brother.” Lili said, rolling her eyes. “You need to have fun every now and then, while you're still young.”


    I chuckled. “I have plenty of fun as it is, Lili.” Then, I sighed. “But, no matter. I'll participate in this festival. What do you all want to do?”


    I dunno...” Elereth said thoughtfully. She looked towards a stall, where a rather tall Altmer woman stood. Elereth walked towards her, asking: “Hello. You wouldn't know what this Festival is offering, would you?”


    Ah, yes!” the woman said cheerfully. “I do know that. I'm Guide Culast. There's plenty to do! You could go to the concerts, or listen to the storytellers, or visit the marketplace. The docks are quite lively, and are known for their frog-racing. And of course, there's Telenger's Emporium—the Artificer has put up displays of his travels, relics from the Ayleids and Dwemer! Truly, a sight to behold. And, of course, the taverns are quite nice as well.”


    I'm more interested in this 'Telenger' fellow.” I said, likewise walking over. “I've heard of him, but know precious little. What could you tell me about him?”


    He's a highly respected Altmer mage and scholar.” Culast explained. “He studies pretty much anything you care to think of! Unfortunately, he himself is not here, having just left for Ezduiin, some ancient Altmeri ruins to the northwest. But, his emporium is quite intriguing—even has a functioning Dwemer Centurion. I'd highly recommend it.”


    We returned to the group. Suhr said, “Well. This one will take Kismet to the stables, and then he will browse the marketplace.” Said panther purred loudly at this, causing Suhr to snort and pet him.


    Lilinastre said, “I'm probably going to visit the Emporium. Curinure said lots of things about Telenger—I want to see if they're true. Besides, Dwemer Centurions? By Xarxes, yes! Always wanted to see their machines up close.”


    Elereth looked down at the floor. “I'll—well, I don't know what I'll do. I'll be around, I guess.” she said, somewhat dejectedly.


    As the others left, I approached her. “Everything alright, Elereth?” I asked, in a low voice.


    She sighed, running a hand through her messy hair. “Not really.” she finally said. “It's—well. I'm feeling the urges again, Ardolan. The vampiric ones. I just—I can't help but see all of these people as food, damn it.”


    But I know you can control yourself, Elereth.” I explained, offering a warm smile. “I know it'll be tough, but I'm sure you can restrain your urges until cured.”


    Well, you have more faith in me than I do, then.” Elereth replied, sighing again.


    Is there anything I can do to take your mind off of this?” I asked, placing a hand on her shoulder.


    No. Thank you, but no.” she said. She looked at the grand gates to the city. “As I said, I'll be around. You should go have fun. Hang out with Suhr or Lili. I'll be alright by myself for a while.”


    I hummed. “Well. I get the impression you want to be alone. I'll find you later, alright?" Elereth nodded, and walked off, quickly becoming lost amidst the teeming crowd. I watched her go for as long as I could, and then I too braved the crowds, hoping to distract myself with this Defiance Festival.



    It wasn't long before I could push my worries about Elereth to the back of my mind. I traveled throughout the city, simply basking in the merriment of the people. Couples held hands as they walked, dancers swayed to the music of the flutes, and all manner of merchants were peddling their wares. The Baandari Traders were particularly interesting people—all of them Khajiit, they sold everything imaginable, and then some. I spied one of them speaking to Suhr, showing him a glinting set of silver daggers, and I decided upon walking over.


    ...Yes, yes, very good against Daedra and their ilk.” the trader said, his tail swishing about excitedly. “These daggers are the best from the homeland, hrm? A combination of silver, the best steel and, of course, moonstone.”


    Suhr picked one up, examining it closely. “This one is impressed.” he finally said. “Too many Baandari try to sell shoddy wares, but these seem to be in fine condition! How much?”


    As they completed their transaction, Suhr noticed me. “Aha, Ardolan! Come, come.” he said, beckoning me over. “This Defiance Festival is great entertainment, no? And Suhr even got new daggers out of it! Have you seen the Bosmeri dancers?”


    I have.” I said, happy at his obvious excitement. “Admittedly, the only Bosmer I have eyes for is Elereth, but it is interesting, nonetheless.”


    Suhr laughed. “Oh, you are very loyal to your woman! That is good. Anyways, would you accompany this one? He wishes to see the Emporium, where Lili went.”


    Sure. Haven't been there, anyhow.” I said, and began to walk with him. I noticed that night was just beginning to fall—clearly, it had been a longer time than I had thought. As we maneuvered through the crowds, I said: “Hey, Suhr? Been meaning to ask you—do you miss your days at sea, aboard the Prowler?”


    An interesting question.” he said, thoughtful. “In the end, he thinks not. You lot are far more fun than the sailors, and Suhr has always been afraid of water anyways. Honestly, this one feels he has improved, thanks to you.”


    Really? How so?” I asked, curious.


    You remember when you first met Suhr? Very timid, too afraid of the world around him, no? But now, he feels braver, somehow. He thinks it is your influence. He is still afraid, of course. But now… Now, Suhr can control his fears.” he said, smiling at me.


    I nodded. “Ah, yes. Well, anybody who is completely fearless is a fool, frankly.”


    Suhr laughed again, but fell silent as we arrived at Telenger's Emporium. It was an amazing display—full of artifacts, both magical and mundane, and guides explaining to the crowds their purpose. Lights of every color brightened the darkening sky. In the center was a massive, humanoid statue—the Dwemer Centurion. Though not moving at the moment, it was still a sight to behold.


    As we admired the sight, I noticed that Lilinastre was nowhere to be found. Humming I turned to Suhr. “Hey.” I said, “You see Lili anywhere?”


    Suhr looked around, frowning slightly. “Hrm. He does not.”


    I clicked my tonuge. “Well, we should find her, then. She's always had a knack for trouble, and she certainly was all too eager to get hammered back at Vulkhel Guard. You coming with me?”


    Suhr shook his head. “No, he thinks he will stay here for a while. We can meet at the inn in town later, yes?” I nodded, and set off to search for my sister.


    I looked throughout the city, especially the multiple open-air taverns, to no avail. However, just as I left the last one, I was approached. It was Virkvild, from the Prowler!


    Ah, hello there.” I said, surprised but pleased. “How'd you get here?”


    Hah!” the Nord cried. “The Prowler's at the docks—the Captain decided to stay at Skywatch for a while, before heading to… Well, wherever fate decides to take us. How's about you?”


    Just arrived today.” I said. “Actually, I'm looking for my sister, Lilinastre. Have you seen her anywhere?”


    Virkvild nodded. “Aye. Follow me, I'll lead you to her.”



    Lilinastre, it soon transpired, was at the city docks. She was among a small group of sailors, cheering. I immediately noticed that everyone, Lili included, seemed quite drunk. Sighing, I walked over. “Lili, come now. I don't know how many you've had, but it's enough.” I said.


    She turned to me, frowning. She was quite red. “Oy! Fun-killer. I'm not going anywhere. Not until I prove to this lot that my formula's the best!”


    For… For what, exactly?” I asked, quirking a brow.


    For frog-racing, dumbass.” Lili said, rolling her eyes. “I'm testing a formula that enhances the critters.” She stretched her arm out, and—seemingly from nowhere—pulled a grumpy-looking Orc. “This here's Lamburak.” Lili said, hiccuping. “Her frog's going to be the best, I'm telling you.”


    And why are you drinking so much?” I asked, stern.


    Because I know how to have a good time.” Lili said, sticking her tongue out at me. Lamburak strode away without a word, and Lili turned back to the scene everyone was watching. It was a simple, tiny track, where three frogs stood. “Oh!” she cried. “Race's about to start! Run like the wind, Bloodthirster!”


    I sighed, and observed the race. After a short bit of watching the frogs hop to the finish line, the middle frog eventually won, causing a mixture of groans and cheers from those assembled. Lili laughed, and procured a bag of feed from somewhere. “Yes! Told you all it'd work!” she shouted, followed by another hiccup. “For only ten septims, this magic food can be yours!”


    But first,” Lamburak finally said, smirking, “Pay up, losers.”


    As the Orc and my sister received their winnings, the other frog-racers quickly bought multiple bags from Lili. I observed the transactions, and when everyone had dispersed, I went over again. “Alright, you've had your fun. We're leaving.” I said.


    Lili sighed exaggeratedly, looking at Lamburak. “Ah well. I'll see you around. Remember, you owe me some moon-sugar rum.”


    As we left, Lili holding onto me for support, I noticed Elereth walk over. She still seemed downtrodden. “Heeey!” Lili said, apparently completely oblivious to this as she waved. “How're you doing, Elereth?”


    Hmm?” she asked, turning to us. “Oh—I'm alright, I guess. Was just going to find you two. I got us a room at the Barbed Hook. Was thinking of turning in for the night.”


    Lili opened her mouth, but I was quicker. “Yes, that seems like a marvelous idea.” I said, glaring at my sister.


    As Lili grumbled incoherently, the three of us went to the inn. Suhr was already in the room, reading a book by the candlelight. I deposited Lili in a bed, noticing how she promptly fell asleep, and sat down in a chair. Elereth sat on the edge of a bed, eyes downcast. We sat in silence for a long while, until Suhr eventually got up and headed downstairs for some food. Only then did Elereth say anything.


    Did you have fun, Ardolan?” she asked.


    I did.” I responded, smiling and walking over. “Did you?”


    Not really. Kind of difficult, at the moment.” she said, sullen.


    I hummed. “Is there anything I can do to take your mind off of this?” I finally repeated.


    Don't think so.” she replied. “I'll be headed to another room, soon. Still don't feel comfortable sleeping with the group.”


    I chuckled. “Want me to come with you?” I asked, mildly suggestive.


    Elereth grinned, very subtly. “That's a thought.” she said, before sighing and growing serious again. “To be honest though, I dunno. I just—I don't feel like this is something I should distract myself from, you know?”


    I placed a hand on her shoulder. “As I've said before, it's no good to dwell on it. We'll find a cure for you. Until then, we'll just have to keep on living. I think a distraction—whatever it is—would be good for you… Why don't you try to write? I find that helps.”


    Elereth was silent for a little bit. “Maybe you're right.” she finally said. She grinned, wider now. “That said, don't really feel like writing...” She stood up, and walked to the door before looking back.

     

    “What? Aren't you coming?” she asked playfully. I chuckled again, and went to spend the night with her.


    I believe that will suffice for this entry. Tomorrow, I will go find Razum-dar and continue our mission for the Queen. Until then…


    -Ardolan Larethbinder

  • Member
    November 18, 2016

    Hey guys. I know most of you are swamped with NaNoWriMo (good luck, btw), and so you don't really have time to edit my blog post. Therefore, I'm going to go ahead and post it, and incorporate any corrections you make when you have the chance into the blog post. To be honest, I didn't really think about NaNo when posting, so I apologize for that. Thanks in advance for any corrections you make!

  • December 22, 2017

    Righteo, I'm going to drop by here because I'm having a bit of trouble with something that I'm writing at the moment. I have a lot of trouble writing dialogue, or at least I think I do, it always feels off at the very least. Like I'm just not writing it correctly. I'm going to drop my full chapter down here at some point, but I wanted to get some opinions on the following chunk of text, just because it's the only meatier chunk of dialogue in my first chapter. Probably, maybe the second largest. 

    --------------------------

    “Emiya. You shall open this door immediately, I’ve been calling you for the last fifteen minutes and you seem to have missed each command I’ve given you. Open up or I shall bring my full might against it”

    “Ah, yes, yes. I’m coming Luvia, just calm down.” Rushing over to the door of my room, I quickly threw it open to reveal the face of my best friend, Luvia Edelfelt. Standing nearly two heads taller than me, not because she was short (as she reminded me on a near daily basis), but because I was so freakishly tall (her words) for a Breton. Her hair was blond, intricately twisted into long, drill-like spirals. Everything else about her either screamed nobility or feminine, that’s just who she was I guess.

    “Well, it took you far too long Emiya. Perhaps next time you’d be better off not doing… Whatever it was you were doing in there, I am after all, much more important than anything you were doing.” Her voice cut through my thoughts like a blade through, well I don’t want to say flesh, but that’s a fairly apt description. I swear her words truly are that sharp.

    “Ah, you know how I get Luvia, I’d never intentionally ignore you so please forgive me.”

    “Ah…wel…well. Well yes, Emiya, I know you never would ignore me intentionally, your far too intelligent for that. Not that your that intelligent. OR, or that I’m giving you a compliment or anything it’s just” her face rapidly blushing as she stumbled through her words

    “Ahem. Emiya, you have been called upon by the Edelfelt family to complete a task of utmost importance. The Edelfelt Heiress shall be journeying to the Land of the North in just two weeks and your services as a guard have been requested. As you well know, this is an honour amongst…”

    “Ah, yeah Luvia, I understand. I’ll start packing everything and we’ll get ready to head out when you're ready. If you really wanted me to come you could’ve just asked you know” apparently that was the wrong thing for me to say, I barely saw her rush around the corner but before I could even speak out again Luvia had run off. I would’ve sworn I saw a strange flash of red as she ran.

    --------------------------

    I'm not entirely sold on the entire thing. Something about it feels off but I'm not entirely sure what. This is the introduction to Luvia, the first chunk of dialogue in the story, and sets the actual story rolling so I kind of want it to be as close to perfect as I can manage. So yeah, any notes, edits, etc. Would be greatly appreciated, even if I might ignore some stuff because I'm set in my ways (which is why I don't use things like "He said", "I said", "She exclaimed". For some reason it just kind of throws me off).

  • Member
    December 22, 2017

    Mega-Dragonborn-of-Doom (1921) said:

    Righteo, I'm going to drop by here because I'm having a bit of trouble with something that I'm writing at the moment. I have a lot of trouble writing dialogue, or at least I think I do, it always feels off at the very least. Like I'm just not writing it correctly. I'm going to drop my full chapter down here at some point, but I wanted to get some opinions on the following chunk of text, just because it's the only meatier chunk of dialogue in my first chapter. Probably, maybe the second largest. 

    I'm not entirely sold on the entire thing. Something about it feels off but I'm not entirely sure what. This is the introduction to Luvia, the first chunk of dialogue in the story, and sets the actual story rolling so I kind of want it to be as close to perfect as I can manage. So yeah, any notes, edits, etc. Would be greatly appreciated, even if I might ignore some stuff because I'm set in my ways (which is why I don't use things like "He said", "I said", "She exclaimed". For some reason it just kind of throws me off).

    Hey there, Deebs. I've taken a look at your text and edited it to sound a bit more fluid. (Is that even a word?) I agree that using "He said", "I said", "She exclaimed", etc. kinda throws some writers off. Personally I only use them a few times before sticking to only dialogues as the readers already know who's talking. 

    Anyways, here's my version of your text. (Any further edits and suggestions is appreciated.)

    --------------------------

    “Emiya! You shall open this door immediately!" Someone shouted. "I’ve been calling you for the last fifteen minutes and you seem to have missed each command I’ve given you. Open up or I shall bring my full might against it!”

    “Ah, yes, yes. I’m coming Luvia, just calm down.” Rushing over to the door of my room, I quickly threw it open to reveal the face of my best friend, Luvia Edelfelt. I stood nearly two heads taller than her, not because she was short (as she reminded me on a near daily basis), but because I was so freakishly tall (her words, not mine) for a Breton. Her hair was blond, intricately twisted into long, drill-like spirals. Everything else about her either screamed nobility or feminine, that’s just who she was I guess.

    “Well, it took you far too long Emiya. Perhaps next time you’d be better off not doing… Whatever it was you were doing in there, I am after all, much more important than anything you were doing.” She said with a haughty tone. Her words were truly sharp, sharp enough that it could cut through... well I don’t want to say flesh, but that’s a fairly apt description.

    “Ah, you know how I get Luvia. I’d never intentionally ignore you so please forgive me.”

    “Ah…wel-well, well yes, Emiya. I know you never would ignore me intentionally. you're far too intelligent for that. Not that you're that intelligent... o-or that I’m giving you a compliment or anything it’s just...” her face rapidly turned red as she stumbled through her words. Somewhere along the line, I think she muttered something under her breath before she continued, bearing her usual haughty tone. “Ahem! Emiya, you have been called upon by the Edelfelt family to complete a task of utmost importance. The Edelfelt Heiress shall be journeying to the Land of the North in just two weeks and your services as a guard have been requested. As you well know, this is an honour amongst…”

    “Ah, yeah Luvia, I understand. I’ll start packing everything and we’ll get ready to head out when you're ready. If you really wanted me to come, you could’ve just asked you know.” Apparently that was the wrong thing for me to say. I barely saw her rush around the corner but before I could even speak out again Luvia was gone.

    Huh, strange... I could’ve sworn I saw a strange flash of red as she ran.

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    P.S.: I sorta got carried away with the fifth paragraph since I'm a sucker for writing those types of dialogues. :P