The Story Corner » Discussions


Unofficial Writing Group

Tags: #Writing  #Writing Group  #Writing Circle 
  • Member
    February 18, 2019

    @Fawn: Wilco

    @Lis: I'll get the next chapter review round Turdas.

  • February 22, 2019

    Delta said:

    @Fawn: Wilco

    @Lis: I'll get the next chapter review round Turdas.

    I know, another long read. :D

  • Member
    February 23, 2019

    Yes it is and I'm also trying out a new format.

  • February 23, 2019
    Interesting to see the changes you make to the formatting.
  • Member
    February 25, 2019

    Chapter 1: Thoughts Along The Path

    Synopsis: Aelberon, Knight-Paladin of Au-Riel and Companion of Ysgrammor begins to climb to High Hrothgar, answering the summons of the Greybeard. As he climbs, Aelberon attempts to distract himself from his sudden involvement in a Nord prophecy but tablets and weight of the implications make it difficult. His ponderings are then interrupted by a sudden attack of an Ice Wraith. He slays the creature, if barely and sets up camp by another tablet, reminding him again of his destiny.

     

    Scene(s) Breakdown:

    Scene 1 – Ivarstead

     

    ‘He had not felt this small and insignificant since he first entered the Jerrals all those years ago, Äelberon thought while he looked up from the base of the worn stone steps leading to High Hrothgar, squinting against the sun’s glare reflecting off the stark snow-topped peak to gage the distance. He rubbed Koor’s ears, the action comforting to some degree and the dog was in good spirits, though a little on the needy side since the events of the fourteenth. It was a brisk morning, last night’s frost still clinging stubbornly to the shrubs, grasses, and flowers of the Rift’s Autumnal forests; covering everything in a crystalline casing that reflected the sun’s rays like diamond dust. Steam escaped his lips when he exhaled, and the air nipped his nose, causing him to sniff on occasion. Aye, he would need the tent and the firewood. If it was brisk now, it would be brutal higher up. ‘

     

    Nothing too crazy for a first paragraph and it does what I think it’s meant to do well: establish the scene. One change I think to make it flow stronger would be:

     

    ‘Äelberon looked up from the base of the worn stone steps leading to High Hrothgar, squinting against the sun’s glare reflecting off the stark snow-topped peak to gage the distance. He had not felt this small and insignificant since he first entered the Jerrals all those years ago.’

     

    Of course, I just have a preference for the action to come first before the introspection – the cause and effect if you will.

     

    I found the POV shift from Aelberon to Klimmek to be rather jarring. From:

     

    ‘Klimmek had been bewildered by Äelberon’s arrival in Ivarstead early this morning’

     

    To

     

    ‘Klimmek couldn’t help but wince. He was going to ruin it later with the dragon.’

     

    While reading the whole segment, I found myself asking: Why is this even here? I find this piece stalls the flow for more of a reminder/catchup for Kilmmek’s involvement in Part 1 rather than a foreshadow of future events. In any case, I think this bit could be better done; say a show of how Klimm is getting it with Fastred than a tell of a past event which we don’t see.

     

    ‘They all watched Wilhelm’s face go whiter than the ghost Lynly claimed she saw the other night lurking near the barrow’

     

    Probably an adaptation bias thing (Which I will get into later) but I’m not too crazy with cameos. I’ve read quite a few fanfics and when canon characters have cameos, they often feel… gratuitous? Like they’re only there as a wink and that’s it. For this, I can argue that it’s for world building but this bit is under the Klimmek POV shift which I mentioned to mess with the flow of Aelberon’s story.

     

    Scene 2 – Throat of the World, Base

    I will again mention that I have yet to finish Part 1, which will undoubtedly affect my enjoyment of the novel but the development of Aelberon getting a Thanehood is not mentioned in the Timeline so I will assume that it’s a new thing here.

     

    I know or rather, I assume that Straag Rod is written for people who are familiar with Skyrim but I think it’s a missed opportunity for the story to not explain what a Thane is. Through this whole sequence we are told what Aelberon thinks of the title and more importantly, what that title can do for him but it doesn’t actually explain what a ‘Thane’ actually is. Is it like a citizenship? A title of petty nobility? A slang for village idiot, etc.

     

    Overall, I found the exposition on Thanehood to be a bit weird. It comes across as very textbook/wiki explanation on the title. More on this, the whole segment of the Thanehood – I find it bogs down the flow of him climbing the 7,000 steps. Like this flashback sequence,

     

    ‘The courier arrived at Jorrvaskr late in the afternoon of the fourteenth, bearing a summons from the Jarl. It was Skjor who delivered the news, sitting at the edge of Kodlak’s bed. XXX. Äelberon gave the etching a final trace, on the word “weak”, and then left the etching to continue his walk, his hand finding Koor’s ears.’

     

    Pulled me out of the now scene, messing with my immersion of the story. Now the following,

     

    ‘They were well above Ivarstead now, its thatched roofs golden from above, bleached by the sun, the smoke from its hearths puffing gently upwards. The steady turn of the mill was barely audible, as was the buzz of its saw. The people bustling below like ants.’

     

    Drags me back but there seems to be a struggle with the now and the then with the narration jumping back and forth through the whole Thane issue.

     

    I really like this line,

     

    ‘He heard it first. A familiar hissing, cracking noise, like breaking ice. An ice wraith, a crystalline blue form that danced and hovered in the air, armed with teeth that could deliver a bite that chilled through bone.’

     

    Something about how visceral that description is that really puts the menace of the creature to the fore. But this,

     

    ‘Koor? Where was he? He had the gear. The dog had guided the beast towards his second arrow, but he seemed so far away. XXX. Dragon’s fire. No, no no, don’t think that hot, aim lower, Old Mer. Steaming tea, fresh apple pie and the roar of Jorrvaskr’s hearth is plenty hot for you, he smiled through chattering teeth.’

     

    Is even better. Really catches my attention on Aelberon’s plight. The randomness to it adds to the frantic situation he finds himself in and that’s great for me (In the sense of the pulse pump that is).

     

    I’m quite curious on the choice of having the Ice Wraith digging into Aelberon’s arm. As a writer/reader, I like seeing characters getting injured because it adds to the drama and gives the story a sense of weight and consequence. You know like an earlier leg injury comes into play much later at the climax and I really love the feeling when I go ‘Oh crap, that happened!’ as I see the hero try to overcome their disability.

     

    Technical(s): Nothing substantial to really say here other than the prose and the dialogue flow works with me. On Storytelling, this chapter subscribes to the orthodox of Status Quo-Conflict-Climax-Resolution and that makes it easy for me to follow.

     

    Character Analysis:

    So, I missed the party of Part 1 and so I find myself asking the question: Who is Aelberon? Well, at surface he’s a nice, humble, religious Mer. Honestly, I’m not sold on his character yet and I expect this section to expand as I go on.

     

    Conclusion:

    Overall, I found this chapter to be really slow to read and not in a good way. I feel that there’s just too much padding here that doesn’t give me any else other than exposition really and at this point, it’s information that I don’t see as important to the story. On the flow, this leads into the next bit;

     

    VS Previous Chapter:

    The more I think about it, the better and more enjoyable Straag Rod: Book 1, Part 2, Prelude is for me. I really liked the crisp flow to it and the worldbuilding and the character interactions are a jolly to read and counting the words there isn’t that much of a difference between Prelude and Chapter 1. And so here is my Elephant in the Room:

     

    What did the Prelude do that really clicked with me that Chapter 1 didn’t?

     

    At its core is familiarity or rather, the lack thereof. Straag Rod is an adaptation of Skyrim and follows an interpretation of the game’s events. A key problem with this is that for one, Bethesda Studios designed the narrative and story telling of Skyrim to be of a pseudo-emergent sort; where the elements of the stories are intentionally left blank to let the players recognise and interpret events in the game thus making a personal narrative. In other words, the stories experienced by each player is personal and will hold a special place in our hearts.

     

    This makes me really, really mean to other Skyrim works because I already have a bias on how the story ought to be told and direct novelisations, i.e. in-game dialogue is pretty meh to me because I’ve ‘been there done that’.

     

    Now on familiarity, the Prelude really piqued my interest because it was, what I assume to be an original creation felt really damn fresh and it teased the itch of wanting to learn more about something I didn’t know. It made me go ‘Oooh, what’s a Knight-Pally and that Chantry is cool’ and so on.

     

    Now on Chapter 1, I already know what’s going to happen – I did it myself and all the events and exposition (Klimmek’s quest/Thanehood) – been there knew that.

     

    Nitpicks:

    I’m personally terrified of feeding berries to dogs. Cheeky buggers are fine with eating garbage and other things I’d rather not them eat but berries are for the most part, dog kryptonite.

  • February 25, 2019

    Chapter 1 was written before the prelude. Like about 2 years before, before I changed PoV styles, so it is still in that confusing style, my apologies. 

  • Member
    February 25, 2019

    The Long-Chapper said:

    Chapter 1 was written before the prelude. Like about 2 years before, before I changed PoV styles, so it is still in that confusing style, my apologies. 

     

    No need to apologise although I am curious as to the development cycle of Straag Rod. They're written in advance?

     

    It's complicated. Lol

    Part 1 was written first. Then part 2, 3, and 4. Between 2014 and 2015 and posted on Steam for fun. Then I back-tracked and started editing Part 1 extensively. I finished that, posted it on Tamriel Vault at around 2015. Then wrote the short story Going Elsweyr. Then wrote Chasing Aetherius with Karver. Then wrote the prelude for part 2, having learned a lot about PoV from Karver. Then I started gradually reworking a lot material in Straag Rod, part 2 to conform to what I had learned. The PoV problems start to settle in Chapter 3. In between all that, I helped him interweave Aelberon's story into his two solo works Practice of Magic and Practice of Telvanni magic where Aelberon appears as a minor character. Then I took a huge break and wrote two further stories with Karver, one with the wolf queen quest and another called Goodbye Skyrim. 

    You do lose some from not being caught up in Part 1. And yeah, Aelberon is sometimes hard to relate to. That is a deliberate choice. 

  • February 25, 2019

    PS: I like the new format. Works well. 

  • Member
    March 11, 2019

    Next post should be up by Friday. A fracture ain't no joke.

  • March 12, 2019

    Delta said:

    Next post should be up by Friday. A fracture ain't no joke.

    Sorry about that. I've got spring break... but not really. Still studying up a storm. Just now am unimpeded by those pesky things called classes. :D