Forums » Elder Scrolls

Epic Rap Battles of TES History

    • 1589 posts
    January 19, 2020 7:34 AM EST

    Inspired by Epic Rap Battles of History.

    Just for fun!

    Talos

    Vs

    Mannimarco

    Begin!

     

    Listen, worm, witness Talosian style
    Wipe that creepy smirk from your face
    Perverted vile necrophile
    Your race only lasted half an hour against my power
    But I'll give you one minute to cower before my Tower
    I'll add your body to my massive pile
    Then crush you like I did to your Summerset Isle.

     

    That's "Worm King" to you, oh Talos the mighty
    Preaching love to your men in your tent, nightly
    Tell me, have you ever won a thing without the whole team?
    What you accomplished with three I did with just me!
    I'm the Necromancer's Moon, Shade of the Revenant!
    I out-schemed the God of Schemes now I'm un-living the dream
    The world's most powerful Lich and I'll make you my bitch
    Raise your corpse from the ground, there's no escape, you can't flee
    My undead armies pour forth by the score
    I'll turn your rotting arse into a shambling whore
    And while you relive love from here to Evermore
    I'll eat your soul to the core...

    ...That's if I'm feeling benevolent.

     

    You make me laugh with your threats, little golden godling
    I'm well acquainted with death - I created the thing!
    And I can unmake you, here look at my CHIM
    As I breathe now in royalty, you can't match this bling.
    See that crown on my head? That's Ysmir, you hear?
    I'm the Dragon of the North, you're just a corpse-puppeteer
    I'm the original Shezarrine, I always reappear
    And you wish your staff was as big as my spear.
    Your presence is dull, you're an undead bore
    So hark to my thu'um as I shout you back to Alinor
    My voice will shatter your soul and freeze your bones
    Leave your body in splinters, a feast for the crows
    If my Voice was a wine then I'd be the arch-vintner
    For I'm Talos Stormcrown and my breath is long winter!

    Who won? Who's next?

    You Decide!

    (And join in)

    • 367 posts
    January 20, 2020 12:40 PM EST

    Haha loved this Paws. Funny thing is before reading it I was thinking the same thing with Ulfric and General Tullius. Trouble is I don't know enough of their lore to make it work. Would be awesome to see it though.

    You up for the challange?

     


    This post was edited by Sotek at January 20, 2020 12:41 PM EST
    • 1589 posts
    January 20, 2020 3:29 PM EST

    Sotek said:

    Haha loved this Paws. Funny thing is before reading it I was thinking the same thing with Ulfric and General Tullius. Trouble is I don't know enough of their lore to make it work. Would be awesome to see it though.

    You up for the challange?

    Maybe? :D

     

    Ulfric Stormcloak

    Vs

    General Tullius

    Begin!

    In Markarth I am known by cowards as The Bear
    Because my enemies bolt in terror and despair
    When they see the banner of Clan Stormcloak
    As I free my people from the imperial yoke.
    This is Skyrim and I'm a true Nord
    But you'd see my land ruled by elves and weak-necked lords
    I promise you now and don't go thinking it's a joke
    I'll ram three foot of steel down your milk-drinking throat.
    My voice is thunder, my sword skyforged
    I'll burn and plunder as you fall back across the fjords
    Away from my armies of daughters and sons
    While your men blunder, lambs to the slaughter, look at them run.
    I am Ulfric, true High King of this land
    And I'll make this quick so you understand
    Come at me and your death will be horrid
    I'll shout you apart like you're dead-king Torygg.



    Oh, please. You think you're tough?
    A real Nord-y Nord, who's gruff rough stuff?
    I've never heard such utter guff
    I'm a master tactician and I call your bluff.
    I'm the general
    From Cyrodill
    And I command legions
    Who'll put you all to the sword you savage heathens
    We'll restore law order to this hairy nether region
    My strategy will squeeze you out like my last excretion.
    So bring it, Ulfric, and it'll be your last
    Mistake you'll ever make, I'll send you to Sovngarde fast
    Listen closely - pretend I'm a bard
    In some rancid wretched tavern in which you all need a bath
    Your undisciplined hordes just make me laugh
    My men wear skirts but they're twice as hard!

    Who won? Who's next?

    You decide!

    (And join in)

    • 649 posts
    January 21, 2020 9:28 AM EST

    Pure fire, bruh! 

    Not decided on the first. Talos started good with his Tower and then continued on that with his spear. Is that just a flex, some kind of dick complex? Mannimarco was a bit weaker, but his "love, nightly" and "shambling whore" were perfect. Fine, I'll say Talos for the first one.

    Now the second... Skirts twice as hard, all the way. No contest The bath is a good advice too. So yes, Tullius. 

    And heh, give us some Eastern shit! I want a rap battle of whores now. I know you want to! Vivec vs Barenziah

    • 1589 posts
    January 21, 2020 9:45 AM EST

    Karver the Lorc said:

    Pure fire, bruh! 

    Not decided on the first. Talos started good with his Tower and then continued on that with his spear. Is that just a flex, some kind of dick complex? Mannimarco was a bit weaker, but his "love, nightly" and "shambling whore" were perfect. Fine, I'll say Talos for the first one.

    Now the second... Skirts twice as hard, all the way. No contest The bath is a good advice too. So yes, Tullius. 

    And heh, give us some Eastern shit! I want a rap battle of whores now. I know you want to! Vivec vs Barenziah

    Haha! Thanks Karves :D Yeah... Mannimarco's isn't that good. I think it's because I found I had to realllllly tone it down and dial back. Once I started down the whole undead whore thing it just took on a life of its own. I was like, "shit I can't post that" so had to revise the lot but had already lost a bit of its flow.

    Vivec vs Barenziah. Interesting xD

    • 1589 posts
    January 21, 2020 12:41 PM EST

    Vivec

    Vs

    Barenziah

    Begin!

    When I said  'Love is under your will only'
    I didn't really mean in a literal sense
    Have you ever in your life felt remotely lonely?
    More men have warmed your bed than there are bones in the ghost fence.
    Never fear, muthsera, there's time to atone
    Kneel before your god, approach my throne
    I'll undo the error of all the times you laid prone
    All the crimes, like Dibella, when you paid men in moans.
    Defer to these words for they are holy
    Infer I imply I think you're slightly dense
    So I'll make it easy by speaking slowly
    But know I truly mean you no offence.
    Now reflect, genuflect, then grip me firmly
    Understand why my words are armed to the teeth
    Let my essence fill you, warmly, gently
    And swallow, my soul is the finest greef.
    Know your place is before the Warrior-Poet
    Take your time, gaze up at my water face
    I'm the god-king of rhymes, in my presence you're graced
    So caress muatra while you blow it.

    I'd be impressed if your spear was the size of your ego
    But you bring up the rear in your holy trio.
    I'm Barenziah, a queen, in that we're similar
    Only in your dreams will we become more familiar.
    Away with you now and your little gold cock
    Let's fold back time, rewind the clock
    Find the truth behind your fictitious portrayal
    Of a street-rat-whore before your betrayal.
    "Does his lordship want it Saliache"
    You said these words, so please remind me
    Was the "weeping and weak-kneed with their lisp"
    The reason why you felt so dismissed?
    I know the score so let's reminisce
    You were always the lesser even before Azurah's diss.
    You try and try, over-compensate
    But at night you cry while you masturbate
    Layer lies upon lies, oh you like to create
    Because you know you can't escape your well-deserved fate.
    I'm Barenziah, master manipulator, I scoff
    So take your halo and harp and Vehk off!

     

    Who won? Who's next?

     

    You decide!

     

    (And join in)

     

    • 649 posts
    January 22, 2020 4:09 AM EST

    Battle of whores, hehe. Okay, so I think that Vivec was more clever here, but Barenziah seemed to have a better flow, and she really went into this like a woman, methodically dismantling Vivec's ego and his Muatra just like only women can do, also she very nicely brought up his past when he was just a netchiman's son. But Vivec on the other hand got real dirty in there. Essence and swallow, eh? Hehe. 

    I'm inclined to say Barenziah won, bringing the word sexy back to house Hlaalu. :D

    • 1589 posts
    January 22, 2020 6:37 AM EST

    Karver the Lorc said:

    Battle of whores, hehe. Okay, so I think that Vivec was more clever here, but Barenziah seemed to have a better flow, and she really went into this like a woman, methodically dismantling Vivec's ego and his Muatra just like only women can do, also she very nicely brought up his past when he was just a netchiman's son. But Vivec on the other hand got real dirty in there. Essence and swallow, eh? Hehe. 

    I'm inclined to say Barenziah won, bringing the word sexy back to house Hlaalu. :D

    This was fun, Karves, good shout on the combatants! It was quite challenging because I couldn't imagine Vivec being too aggressive. In my mind, he'd default to either talking about himself or trying to get her to blow him. So I went for both, and can picture him hovering there serenely as he says this shit.

    Barenziah was then a good excuse to up the aggression and deliver more of an attack, which was great fun to write. The only slight problem I found was the pronunciation of Saliache as it only works in the structure if said like "Sally-Archie" which I'm not 100% certain about. But definitely fun to try and put these two on an even-footing.


    This post was edited by Paws at January 22, 2020 6:37 AM EST
    • 1463 posts
    January 23, 2020 6:06 AM EST

    I really dig this Phil, just really do. I'll drop comment/replies for each just because I feel lame that I missed being able to comment on them earlier but yeah really dig the concept. Hmm, I might give it a rough go sometime in the future, never even been good at writing poetry so I'll doubt that I manage to get anything decent down but lets give it a shot yeah. 

    Anyway, if someone wants to take it I really kind of want to see a Baan Dar | Sheogorath fight, bit different because it's more dealing with trickster gods could make for some hilarious lines. 

     

     

    • 1463 posts
    January 23, 2020 6:10 AM EST

    Talos

    Vs

    Mannimarco

    Begin!

     

    Listen, worm, witness Talosian style
    Wipe that creepy smirk from your face
    Perverted vile necrophile
    Your race only lasted half an hour against my power
    But I'll give you one minute to cower before my Tower
    I'll add your body to my massive pile
    Then crush you like I did to your Summerset Isle.

     

    That's "Worm King" to you, oh Talos the mighty
    Preaching love to your men in your tent, nightly
    Tell me, have you ever won a thing without the whole team?
    What you accomplished with three I did with just me!
    I'm the Necromancer's Moon, Shade of the Revenant!
    I out-schemed the God of Schemes now I'm un-living the dream
    The world's most powerful Lich and I'll make you my bitch
    Raise your corpse from the ground, there's no escape, you can't flee
    My undead armies pour forth by the score
    I'll turn your rotting arse into a shambling whore
    And while you relive love from here to Evermore
    I'll eat your soul to the core...

    ...That's if I'm feeling benevolent.

     

    You make me laugh with your threats, little golden godling
    I'm well acquainted with death - I created the thing!
    And I can unmake you, here look at my CHIM
    As I breathe now in royalty, you can't match this bling.
    See that crown on my head? That's Ysmir, you hear?
    I'm the Dragon of the North, you're just a corpse-puppeteer
    I'm the original Shezarrine, I always reappear
    And you wish your staff was as big as my spear.
    Your presence is dull, you're an undead bore
    So hark to my thu'um as I shout you back to Alinor
    My voice will shatter your soul and freeze your bones
    Leave your body in splinters, a feast for the crows
    If my Voice was a wine then I'd be the arch-vintner
    For I'm Talos Stormcrown and my breath is long winter!

    Who won? Who's next?

    You Decide!

    (And join in)

    I think I'm actually going to give the nod to Manni here, I'd say that it basically boils down to Talos having a larger number of really good lines but Manni's just generally being stronger. He kind of had the golden lines of the piece. Oh actually even the difference in their style plays a part, I prefer Mannimarco actually ripping into Talos a little bit rather than just non-specific bragging and racial stuff from Talos (which is incredibly fitting on both their parts, exactly how I'd imagine them doing this sort of thing) but yeah really it just is personal opinion and both are great :D

    • 1589 posts
    January 23, 2020 8:02 AM EST
    Ha! I'm glad Mr Marco gets a vote! He was hard to write because I just see him as not holding back and just unleashing at Talos with everything. Which was fun... But I I had to tone it down and censor myself a bit which I kinda feel let's him down slightly.

    Definitely encourage you to give it a go, Deebs (and anyone else)! It's just for fun and an excuse to put characters against each other in scenarios that will never happen, and to explore their characters through a different medium. Poetry takes a back seat to setting up punchlines, which let's be honest is where the real fun is. So go for it!

    Uncle Sheo vs Baan Dar.... That would be fun. If nobody gets to it first I'll give it a go when my working week is over.
    • 1589 posts
    January 27, 2020 6:56 AM EST

    Baan Dar

    Vs

    Sheogorath

    Begin!

    Bandits, pirates, smugglers, thieves
    I'm the god of outcasts and those who believe
    That life is a fight for what is right, and perceive
    The downtrodden, lowly, those who grieve
    Should receive what is due and strive to achieve
    A better lot for themselves with the tricks up their sleeves.
    The truth is, you Scottish gobshite
    I inspire others, I lead and excite
    I incite, I alight, and passions ignite
    I bring light to their plight and bring low the uptight.
    Listen to me recite, you irksome meddler
    I rewrite and delight being the storyteller
    So despite your slight I'll be polite, old fella
    Share a drink with me and my Baandari Peddlers.
    Life is rife with struggle and strife
    And sometimes we win with a hidden knife
    We might seem thuggish and lowlifes at first glance
    But we're rogueish, handsome, and we take a chance
    For us is the way of trade and romance
    So join us for a night in the Five Fingers Dance.

     

    There's a goose loose about this house
    I'm calling fowl play.
    Get it "fowl play"? I crack myself up
    I'd like to do that more so off with ye, pup!
    Ya think ye can go noggin to noggin with me?
    I'm already in ye, a blemish on yer psyche
    I'm the gentleman Daedra with no need of profanity
    See? I be he who's floggin' yer sanity.
    If ya don't understand I'll summon Haskill
    (He loves it, thinks it's always a thrill)
    His monotone voice can break yer will
    And he'll write yer name in his book with a quill. Scared now?
    If that doesn't work and all else fails
    I'll spill yer guts and skip rope with yer entrails
    Pluck out yer eyes and feed 'em to my Saints
    In my madhouse we have no need of restraints.
    Get it now, ye heartless once-mortal?
    There's no escape from my likeness-portal.
    It's not a question of how but a matter of when
    I'll bring ya to my Isles and introduce ya to my Mazken
    Will it be the path of Mania or Dimentia?
    Ooh!! Saddle up and prepare for adventure
    Do your old uncle a favour when you get there
    Find that gawping grapefruit Stan and tell him Sheogorath sent ya!

    Who won? Who's next?

    You Decide!

    (And join in)

    • 66 posts
    March 25, 2020 3:07 PM EDT

    Paws said:

    Haha! Thanks Karves :D Yeah... Mannimarco's isn't that good. I think it's because I found I had to realllllly tone it down and dial back. Once I started down the whole undead whore thing it just took on a life of its own. I was like, "shit I can't post that" so had to revise the lot but had already lost a bit of its flow.

    Now I want to see the uncut edition! Manni needs a rematch, haha!
    Ulfric, I liked the strength and flow in his more, but Tuliuses rhyms were funnier.
    Barenziah, like Karver said, only a can leave burns that savage.
    Baan Dar, I love sheo, but Dar's flow and rhym consistancy were just too good.

    P.S. I read all of these in the over dramatic ERBOH voices