Forums » Elder Scrolls

TES Jokes

    • 51 posts
    June 16, 2016 3:39 PM EDT

    This is a thread for all Elder Scrolls related humor, be it jokes you made yourself or jokes you're sharing from elsewhere or even comics. Hell even stories of funny glitches, bugs, or happenings in your adventures.

    This is what I've got:

    What do you call a group of Draugr having sex? A scourgey

    Why did the Nord die of dehydration at the oasis? There wasn’t any mead at it.

    Why can’t Argonians fight Orcs? They just aren't up to scale.

    Why did the Altmer cross the road? The ground was higher on the other side.

    A Kajhiit walks into a bar. He asks the bartender if he has seen his family, and the bartender says, "You’ll have to look elsewhere(Elsweyr)."

    A Nord, a Redguard, and an Imperial are sitting in a bar. They begin talking about epic battles and conquests, and eventually find themselves on the topic of warcries. The Nord challenges the other two men to a contest: whoever has the best warcry can force one of the others to pay for the drinks. “I am the fury of the North! Kneel before a son of Ysgramor!” the Nord thunders, eliciting a hearty cheer from the other patrons. The Redguard mocks applause, then stands up and shouts, “Challenge me, and your blood will paint the sands of Hammerfell!” The cheers are less enthusiastic, but the Nord nods respectfully. “And you, Imperial? What’s your warcry?”

    The Imperial clears his throat and stands up proudly. After a moment, he exclaims, “Victory is yours! I submit! I submit!”

    • 261 posts
    June 16, 2016 3:41 PM EDT

    Ok, not mine, but absolute gold:How are Bethesda games like camping trips?

    They're full of adventure. And bugs.

    • 51 posts
    June 16, 2016 3:47 PM EDT

    Oh snap! I love it

    • 273 posts
    June 16, 2016 3:55 PM EDT

    What do you do when you see a Khajiit riding a horse?




    Chase it, the horse is probably yours. 

    • 59 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:11 PM EDT


    • 51 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:18 PM EDT

    Nice haha

    • 649 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:19 PM EDT

     - "How is your wife," asked Zalither. "She's in bed with laryngitis," replied Harlyth. "Is that Argonian bastard back in town again?"

     - "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." "Have you seen a healer?" "No, just spots."

     - A big Nord named Julgen was set on by a gang of thieves. He fought them furiously, but in the end, they beat him into semiconsciousness. They searched his pockets and discovered that he only had three gold pieces on him.

    "Do you mean to tell us you fought us like a mad lupe for three lousy gold pieces?" sneered one of the thieves.

    "No," answered Julgen. "I was afraid you were after the four hundred gold pieces in my boot."

     - During the War of Betony, the Bretons in the Isle of Craghold were under siege for several days. After the island was liberated, Lord Bridwell found the ruins of the castle where a crowd of survivors were hidden away in the dark. It was going to be a difficult job freeing them, as part of the roof had collapsed trapping them all within. Bridwell stuck his head in the only opening and shouted to the Bretons below: "Are there any expectant mothers down there?"

    "It's hard to say, your Lordship," said a young woman. "We've only been down here for a few days."

     - An elderly Breton met with a contemporary of his at a guild meeting. "Harryston, old man, I wanted to express my sympathy. I hear that you buried your wife last week."

    "Had to, old boy," replied Harryston. "Dead, you know."

     - Why was the Sentinel army so useless during the War of Betony? The cannons were too heavy, so all three garbage scows sunk.

     - What does a new Sentinel private learn first as a combat technique? How to retreat.

     - What is the thinnest book in the world? Redguard Heroes of the War of Betony.

     - A Dark Elf man killed his wife after catching her making love with another man. When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."

     - A Dark Elf woman was being shown around Daggerfall. When she was shown the magnificent Castle Daggerfall, she smiled sweetly to her guide and whispered, "It reminds me of sex."

    "That's odd," said her guide. "Why does our Castle Daggerfall remind you of sex?"

    The Dark Elf sighed, "Everything does."

     - Yelithah told Vathysah that she was having dinner with a Dark Elf named Morleth that night.

    "I hear he's an animal," said Vathysah. "He'll rip your dress right off you."

    "Thank you for telling me," said Yelithah, "I'll be sure to wear an old dress."

     - How do you separate sailors in the Khajiiti navy? With a hammer and tongs.

     - "This orchard has sentimental value to me," said Mojhad, the Khajiit, to his friend, Hasillid. "Under that tree, for example, is where I first made love. And that tree, is where her mother stood, watching us."

    "She watched you while you made love to her daughter?" said Hasillid, clearly impressed. "Didn't she say anything?"


     - What do you call a Wood Elf who doesn't lie or cheat or steal? A dead Wood Elf.

     - Why does Dagoth Ur always carry asprin with him? To help in case of a heart attack.

     - Why did the shoe store go out of business? It was in Argonia.

     - What makes Sheogorath stand out above the other Daedra? A ladder.

     - Two mudcrabs are eating a dead Argonian. One says "I hate sea food." The other says "OH MY GOSH! A TALKING MUDCRAB!!!

     - Argonian in Morrowind: "All I wanted was a pair of boots."

     - A Nord decides to cut down a tree. What does he tell it? "You will die where ya stand!"

     - Why does Fargoth smell? So blind people can hate him too.

     - Altmer asks Dunmer: Do you know how to save 5 drowning Bosmer? Dunmer answers: No. Altmer says: Good.

     - What do you call a Nord with two brain cells? Pregnant.

     - What do you call a Bosmer everyone likes? Dead

     - A blind Dunmer is sitting in a tavern when he suddenly pipes up. "Hey, anyone wanna hear a joke about a dumb Nord?" The man next to the blind Dunmer speaks up, "Before you tell this joke, there's a few things you need to know." "Sure," says the Dunmer, "What's that?" "Well, for one thing, the bartender is a Nord." the man says, "And so is the doorman. And the man next to you, he's a Nord, too. And the two very large men in the corner by the door, they're Nords, as well. In fact, I'm a Nord, too." The man leans in really closely to the blind Dunmer. "So, you still want to tell that joke about a dumb Nord?" The blind Dunmer cleared his throat and smiled, "Nah... not if I'm going to have to explain it 6 fetchin' times!"

     - A Khajiit walks into a bar and the bartender says:"Why the long face?"

     - What does an Imperial Guard recruit do for fun? Himself.

    - Why are Orcs good at gardening? Because they have green thumbs!

    • 51 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:30 PM EDT

    These are gold! I especially love the one with the talking mudcrabs and the one with the Dunmer in the bar.

    • 393 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:30 PM EDT

    Gods, where is the "like the comment" button?!?!

    • 649 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:32 PM EDT

    Most of them are from Daggerfall in-game book of Jokes and some are from the net I scavenged. 

    • 261 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:32 PM EDT

    Another one, which is actually mine! What do you call an Elf that practices agriculture?

    A far-mer!

    • 45 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:43 PM EDT
    A dark elf was walking by a lake and saw a bosmer drowning. The dark elf knew he was a good swimmer, but instead of jumping in the water to save the bosmer, he picked up a large stick from the ground, and tossed it to the bosmer, thinking he could use it to float on at least, then he continued on his way. He reached the town he was traveling to and met his Altmer friend at the tavern, and told him the story. After hearing it, the Altmer shook his head and laughed, "With all the effort you used to throw him a stick, I'm surprised you couldn't have dun-mer!"
    • 393 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:44 PM EDT

    Anyway it's cool.

    • 261 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:45 PM EDT

    And here I was expecting a Green Pact joke... To be honest, I've been trying to think of a 'dun-mer' joke for a while, so kudos.

    • 45 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:46 PM EDT
    :) XD
    • 641 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:56 PM EDT


    • 45 posts
    June 16, 2016 4:58 PM EDT
    Hah, now thats funny! XD
    • 261 posts
    June 16, 2016 5:00 PM EDT

    Oh, that's mean! I approve.

    • 51 posts
    June 16, 2016 5:06 PM EDT

    Man, this might be the best so far XD

    • 98 posts
    June 16, 2016 5:06 PM EDT
    Who can enter the emperor's chambers?

    Nobody septim.
    • 261 posts
    June 16, 2016 5:10 PM EDT

    Oho! Nice!

    • 261 posts
    June 17, 2016 9:16 AM EDT

    A guard asks, "Is that... Fur? Coming out of your ears?"

    The adventurer replies, "Of course. This one is Khajiit."

    • 1441 posts
    June 17, 2016 10:42 AM EDT
    Imperial citizen: If Talos is a god, and part of him is Tiber Septim..."
    Thalmor : "Yes?"
    Imperial citizen: "And he is a mannish god, wouldn't that make...The God-Emperor of Mankind?"
    Thalmor: "HERESY!'
  • Tom
    • 624 posts
    June 17, 2016 12:39 PM EDT

    In the halls of the Imperial City, two men are having a heated debate on the nature of the Daedric Lords. One from the College of Whispers, the other a Synod. The topic arrives to Sheogorath, and the gentlemen of the College of Whispers says, "Is it not a calamity in which we have failed to recognize the implications of the interplay between Madness and Genius within ourselves, which as most understandable conditions of the mind also reflected in the Princes?" To which the Synod responds, "CHEEESE!"

    So Morihaus, Alessia, and Pelinal walk into an Ayleid camp. Before the slaughter commences, Morihaus turns to Pelinal and says, "Now don't get too worked up and lose your head, Uncle." But Pelinal points his sword back and says, "And you two don't have a cow if I do."

    • 1441 posts
    June 17, 2016 12:53 PM EDT
    Hah! .