Forums » Elder Scrolls

Tamriel´s chain of fast food restaurants...McKarver

    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 5:57 AM EST

    We´ve already talked about few things, for example how with Dusken Dogs, Corinthe Snacks, Karved Witches, Virgin Breads, Lissette Rolls and whole lot of other delicious and insane food we´ll bring capitalism to the world of Tamriel, but I need to tell you how we came to this. 

    Thanks to Lissette´s new short story Going Elsweyr we now know that Altmer have sandwiches in Alinor which they call Dusken Dogs.

    So let´s have fun with that guys.

    If you had the chance to start a chain of fast food restaurants in Tamriel, how would you do it?

    How would you name the food?

    What would you include? Horse-thru and horse delivery? Battle axe toys for kids? Tell me.

    Would you have other services and what kind of services?

    What would be the motto of McKarver? What would the service say to greet customers?

    How would you like the interior to look like?

    And no, Sotek, we´re not serving food still alive. If the Imperial Bureau of Hygiene finds out we´re serving a food, which is still alive, to our customers, they will sue us. And don´t get me even started if PETA finds out.

    We have a saying in our business. "One day you´ll serve a deer to a werewolf, the other day you´ll be serving alive humans to vampires."


    • 294 posts
    January 12, 2016 6:22 AM EST

    Hehe, I like the idea of toys for kids and the idea of a Happy Meal, except that you get a battle axe, this works for me. 

    Flavored water - like a soda fountain, but with water and different berry extracts. Lots of beer and ale and stuff. I'm sure somebody would be around to check ids. 

    Or... we can go total Mongolian grill style. An assortment of raw food in a buffet style and you serve what you want and then it's cooked to order by an impressive-looking orc in a chef's hat. I think this is also similar to Hibachi grilling. I assume most races in Tamriel like a good BBQ

    BBQ - pulled, well, anything that's meat-related, served in the manner of a Dusken Dog with two slabs of bread. Nice. And fried chicken, so we have an excuse to finally go to town on the chickens of Skyrim and not get a fine. 

    The Albee, the Double Albee, the Albee with cheese, The Albee junior, the Angus Albee, the Super-size Albee. Those are the beef burgers. And the Double-Dragon. Now that's a meal fit for a Jarl. 

    Interior? You an Imperial or something? Real Men eat outside BIER GARTEN style. With beer. Yes, an outdoor Bier Garten with pulled meat, burgers, dusken dogs, lots of beer, flavored water for the weak city folk, and battle axes for the kids. Makes Horse-through much easier too. And you get a special discount if you bring your own meat. 

    • 321 posts
    January 12, 2016 6:25 AM EST

    McKarver's motto - "We have foods to fill all your Kar-vings" 

    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 6:28 AM EST

    Or... we can go total Mongolian grill style. An assortment of raw food in a buffet style and you serve what you want and then it's cooked to order by an impressive-looking orc in a chef's hat. I think this is also similar to Hibachi grilling. I assume most races in Tamriel like a good BBQ

    This we can´t really do, I would be worried those damn werewolves with Sotek in lead would swoop on us and stole every piece of raw meat. But maybe we could be thankful they wouldn´t eat our customers.

    The Albee, the Double Albee, the Albee with cheese, The Albee junior, the Angus Albee, the Super-size Albee. Those are the beef burgers. And the Double-Dragon. Now that's a meal fit for a Jarl.


    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 6:30 AM EST

    McKarver´s greetings: "Welcome to McKarver, where all your culinary dreams come true. Please, leave your weapons in closets and don´t stir any trouble, or our Orc bouncers will break every bone in your body and put you on the menu. What can I get you, sir?"

    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 6:33 AM EST

    "Ehm, can I ask what´s in the Karved Witch?"

    "You may ask but I may not answer."

    "So what´s in it?"

    "It´s a Karved Witch. What do you think?"

    "Ok, I would like to take one then. Akatosh, I hope there really isn´t a carved witch in it."

    • 321 posts
    January 12, 2016 6:44 AM EST

    Don't forget the Aelbe-qurque special. Double boar beef burger with Aican nut bread, served with lettuce and tomatoes gather from Skyrim's highlands. It also includes a special Summerset/ Alinor sauce which is made from divine blessings from Auri-El and vengeance!

    Oh and get a free Crystal-Like-Law tower figurine if you purchase the Snow Bear set.Companions get a 25% discount.

    Not available for Thalmors and Vampires.

    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 6:48 AM EST

    You´re killing me

    • 294 posts
    January 12, 2016 6:58 AM EST

    Oh man, with the tone set in Going Elsweyr, Gods only knows what's in that "special sauce".

    I love Companions getting a discount and a CLL figurine is awesome. 

    • 367 posts
    January 12, 2016 7:25 AM EST

    Name :- Alive and Kicking

    Motto :-'The fastest food on the plains'

    Our Promice:- Our aim is to improve your aim. All welcome... We never discriminate those who have furs in their ears.


    Fast food:-

    Are you wanting a quick meal? Try one of our free range deer... If you can catch them. (Bows are avaliable upon request...wimp...)


    Want something easy and your'e not too picky? Try our grabbits a collection of rabbits, foxes and free range chickens. If you 'grab it' then it's yours.

    Looking for something you can wrestle with?

    We have a selection of bears for your savoury delight from cave bears to snow bears. Go on... Get stuck in.

    Maybe you want something with an extra bite?

    We serve a selection of Sabre cats from infant to fully grown...

    Fancy the exotic?

    You're in luck... Today only, we have three trolls...


    What interior? The sky is OUR ceiling, just pick a rock and sit down. You want some romance with your meal? try one of our overhangs, wonderfull views, fresh air and a complimentry stormcloak de armoured for that special She Wolf...

    Special offer for those from the I.B.H. Just take a seat in that pen there. Yes it's a bit bloody but all will be explained... Yes, yes we have the forms....

    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 7:54 AM EST

    You didn´t fail my expectations, Sotek.

    Bloody lycanthropes, ruining honest Orc´s business.

    • 321 posts
    January 12, 2016 8:01 AM EST

    I was hoping for you to open a fast food franchise.

    I thought it would be something like "Sotek's Raw Meat" or S.R.M

    10/10 approved by the Bloodmoon Food Critics 

    • 367 posts
    January 12, 2016 8:03 AM EST
    It's a wolf thing.... Awwwoooo
    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 8:10 AM EST

    I´m considering adding werewolf´s meat on the menu. Special burger with tomatoes and mustard, maybe some cucumber. I´ll call it...

    The Bloodhound!

    • 367 posts
    January 12, 2016 8:18 AM EST
    Well we're now looking at a Bloodmoon Banquet....
    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 8:28 AM EST


    But these are really good ideas, Sotek. If¨ll I ever be considering making a fast food for werewolves I would consider these suggestions.

    • 203 posts
    January 12, 2016 8:39 AM EST

    Name: Jode and Jone's

    As the first ever travelling restaurant in Tamriel, Jode and Jone's presents you with the finest meals from all over Tamriel brought to you by our fine Caravan service. Come and enjoy our gambling services next time we stop in your hometown!

    "An advise my friend, if you ever mix gambling and drink, This one recommands you do so at Jode and Jone's or taken together they will empty your pockets of every septim" -Kharjo, experienced caravan guard and companion of the famous Dragonborn.

    Our menus are customised for every city and Customer; you want to drink spiced wine from Solitude, send word with one of the caravans and the next time Jode and Jone's arrives in your town our stocks will be overflowing with spiced wine. This is of course but a simple example of our "Long Haul" Services*.

    *This offer is only available within certain provinces at the rather nice fee of three thousand septims

    Of course we are not without a standard menu, here are some of our Customer favourites:

    -Caravaneer's Delight: A fantastic cocktail made from the finest Jazbay wines from the vulcanic tundra of Eastmarch, the delicious nectar from red mountain flowers and of course a pinch of the highest quality Moon Sugar available in your province!

    -Elsweyr Fondue: A delicious fondue made out of the finest Breton cheese and Khajit moonsugar, avalaible with bread and our selection of fine meats.

    -The Sheggorath Special: A delicious slice of Dragon meat, marinated in the finest Skooma, for the ultimate Mad-God experience!*

    *May or may not be available in your province, blame the I.B.H and local regulations. Also Jode and Jone's declines full responsability in case of addiction.

    -Merrunz' spiked Kebab: A delicious treat adored by the younger one's, this delicious Shish Kebab is made from a blend of Venison, Beef and finely chopped Daedra heart, steam grilled in the vulcanic areas of Tamriel. Children will also recieve a free glass of white-gold tower* and a fine wooden sword with a fully working Banish-Daedra enchantment**, test it on your sibblings now!

    *What do you mean it's irresponsible to give children alcool?! Mind your own bussiness or this one will!
    **Make sure you don't hit your Shish Kebab with it as some of it's components will be banished back to Oblivion

    Our locale is our practical, fully moveable and authority evading caravan tent. Which we set up at each and every major city and town. And with us being banished from the Aldmeri Dominion we can now serve you more often than ever before!*

    Jode and Jone's: the best elsewhere has to offer!

    *We refuse service to dragons, vampires, werewolves and Thalmor

    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 8:59 AM EST

    I´m sold!

    Banish Daedra made me fall off my chair :D

    • 321 posts
    January 12, 2016 9:21 AM EST

    It should be "Jode and Jone's: The best Elsweyr has to offer

    Children get alchohol!? No wonder the Khajiits were so addicted to Skooma.

    • 203 posts
    January 12, 2016 9:22 AM EST

    No, no the "Elsewhere" is voluntary

    • 321 posts
    January 12, 2016 9:29 AM EST

    Oh, my bad.

    I just love travelling restaurants. The way they're so compact but still manage to serve delicious foods. 

    Dammit, this just made me hungry again.

    • 203 posts
    January 12, 2016 9:47 AM EST

    As long as your kids eat Merrunz' spiked kebabs from Jode and Jone's, we guarantee them an Oblivion-crisis-free future!*

    *Jode and Jone's is not physically capable of stopping or preventing any type of Daedra based nuisance, hence no refunds will be allocated in case of such a crisis.

    • 649 posts
    January 12, 2016 12:52 PM EST

    Dammit, this just made me hungry again

    Yeah! I feel like ordering pizza. Does Jode and Jone´s deliver pizza? 

    • 411 posts
    January 12, 2016 1:19 PM EST
    Name: McN'wahs
    Welcome to McN'wah this is the first Dunmer fast food restaurant ran by N'wahs.
    we have many types of foods in which you N'wahs think Dunmer actually eat.

    We serve Guar Dung Burgers And Netch meat Nothing else.

    Our motto is "You gave us your money and your an N'wah for paying us"

    Our interiors are The Little Huts that you damn N'wahs thing we live in.

    No Scale-Backs Or Orcs aloud.
    • 203 posts
    January 12, 2016 3:05 PM EST

    This one did read the brochure, yes? For the meagre sum of 3000 septims our caravan services will bring you your pizza!