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Freaking Kids!!!

    • 457 posts
    February 14, 2015 1:08 AM EST

    So I'm waiting in line with my 2 year old daughter, and she's singing and flirting with just about anyone who will look at her, when suddenly she grabs my face with both hands, puts her forehead up against mine, and scrunches up her nose.

    "Isn't that just the cutest thing you've ever seen?" I hear the couple behind us whispering, and I think to myself, "THIS! This is why I have children." It was one of those moments of clarity that come only on the rarest of occasions.

    Then she pulled back from our "moment" and hammer-fisted me in the nose so hard that my vision flashed white for a second or two... freaking kids!

    So this leads me to a couple questions: the first and most obvious is--is there anyone interested in a slightly used, occasionally-adorable-but-unpredictably-violent toddler? The second is--would we have been better off getting some dogs instead?

    The Missus will not engage in serious conversation upon this subject.

    • 253 posts
    February 14, 2015 1:13 AM EST

    Well one time when I was a baby my toddler sister decided that she didn't like me anymore so she stepped on my head. Lol

    • 179 posts
    February 14, 2015 1:36 AM EST

    I vote dogs. 

    • 457 posts
    February 14, 2015 2:07 AM EST

    My experience has shown that when parents let their kids walk up to total strangers, they're hoping something will happen.

    "Hey, see that guy with all the scars by the van with no windows? Go ask him if he has any candy..."

    Perhaps they feel that life will be easier with just one kid.

    • 457 posts
    February 14, 2015 2:08 AM EST

    Man. I'm gonna burn for joking like that...

    • 457 posts
    February 14, 2015 2:10 AM EST

    I kind of did the same thing when I was two... biffed my sister in the face with a teddy bear.

    • 277 posts
    February 14, 2015 2:10 AM EST
    Babality! Kinder Kombat!!! Dun-dun-dun-dun...!
    • 457 posts
    February 14, 2015 2:11 AM EST

    They are cleaner. And quieter. And more predictable. And...

    • 457 posts
    February 14, 2015 2:14 AM EST

    Niño ninja! xD

    • 179 posts
    February 14, 2015 2:40 AM EST

    Don't require nearly as much time and effort. 

    • 1467 posts
    February 14, 2015 5:03 AM EST
    This kid sounds great, I will train her to hammer-fist all who oppose my rule, and you can;t just kill an innocent 2 year old. How much is shipping to Australia?
    • 627 posts
    February 14, 2015 5:07 AM EST

    Be careful what you say Dragonborn, you don't want the cops knocking on your door for planning world domination.

    • 1467 posts
    February 14, 2015 5:10 AM EST
    I don't care if I have the child what can they do. Besides if they could have knocked on my door for that, then they would have long ago.
    • 457 posts
    February 14, 2015 9:40 AM EST

    When I find an innocent 2 year old I'll make sure to let you know... there's a reason they call that stage "the terrible two's" (though my kids remain in that phase a bit longer--till they are roughly around 10). Besides, you can't control the hammer-fist--you can only hope to contain it.

    BTW--the best way to come in contact with a child like that is to think to yourself, "Wow! She sounds like a demon--I'd like to keep my nose on my face rather than pushed in it. Hope I never see this child." Then, on some dark and stormy night, you'll wake up and feel a presence in your room. You'll turn around to investi... HAMMER-FIST!!!

    Or (if you don't like waiting) go to a mirror some time at night, stare intently at it and say 'ShinJin's kids'  slowly five times. Turn out the light without looking at the mirr... FOREST OF HAMMER-FISTS!!!

    I'm thinking of writing a screenplay xD

    • 145 posts
    February 14, 2015 9:58 AM EST

    I went to a summer camp one time and I'm pretty sure some little kid stole my 3DS. It had a game in it, too! ;-;

    I have mixed feelings about small children. Some, like my cousin, are the most adorable, good-mannered kids ever. But some, like my other cousin, are really bratty and annoying. The mean cousin is older than the nice one, too. Once the mean one got into my sketchbook and took every marker, pen, and pencil I had and then started scribbling on every page. Those things cost good money!

    • 457 posts
    February 14, 2015 12:54 PM EST
    BTW--there's usually a 50/50 shot of the hammer-fist being TWO-HANDED!!!

    I kid you not about that xD
  • February 14, 2015 1:24 PM EST

    Or for asking if he could buy someone's daughter.

  • Tim
    • 92 posts
    March 4, 2015 4:43 PM EST

    Did the couple behind you say anything after that?

    • 1913 posts
    March 4, 2015 4:53 PM EST

    My sister went to the circus for the first time this Sunday and really liked everything there... She thought it was really cool and was always smiling. My mom wanted to know if she could take some pictures of Naomi and the animals and if she'd be safe, the people there promised she'd be fine. So Naomi then held a young snake (I forget what kind but I think it was a boa constrictor....) and it was pretty friendly... but she either thought it looked pretty tasty, or hated it and wanted to end it's existence cause then she tried to bite it... We stopped her in time. She is only 1 year old. She has no fear. This is the same sister who has jumped off the bed about 3 times, bruised herself, and was only crying cause she couldn't get her food... People need to stop saying babies and toddlers are weak and need constant care.... babies and toddlers are badass!

    • 457 posts
    March 4, 2015 6:40 PM EST

    Nope! Just laughed... they always laugh when it's someone else getting their nose broken ;D

    • 457 posts
    March 4, 2015 6:40 PM EST


    My youngest boy when he was 18 months old would pull out the kitchen drawers to create a stairway, climb onto the counter, up onto the microwave, pull himself onto the cabinet holding our oven, and then crawl his way to the top of the refrigerator to get to the bananas. Something kind of freaky about going to grab some milk out of the fridge only to get kicked in the face by a baby dangling his feet over the edge... Babies. Are. Ninjas.

    Snake-biting ninjas, though... that's pretty hardcore xD

  • March 5, 2015 1:38 PM EST

    Kids suck. I haven't read anything yet, but kids suck.

  • March 5, 2015 1:42 PM EST

    Alright, I've read it now. A dog would be better. A LOT better. We have three dogs here (a Yorkshire, a Basset and a Great Dane), and I love all of them more than my sister. Tortises are good too, but they're pretty...boring.

    • 457 posts
    March 5, 2015 3:44 PM EST

    We have a Russian tortoise. She's never hit me in the face... just sayin' ;D

    • 394 posts
    May 27, 2015 9:17 AM EDT

    The terrible twos! It gets better 

    I have boy-girl twins, now 5. Double the trouble, double the fun!