Agents of the Queen Part 23- An Elder Scrolls Online tale

  • Jester's Day


    Ian S. McClure

    "This one is telling you, we need more supplies if we wish to reach Torinaan. You must have patience, Elereth." Suhr said calmly, as the gates of Skywatch once again came into view. He was right—in order to reach both that holy site and the city of Firsthold, we needed more food, and our gear could use some repair. Not that she was happy about it.

    "Easy for you to say." she said, disgruntled. "Suhr, this is the chance I've—we've, been looking for!"

    "We'll get there, Elereth. Those ruins are ancient—they'll be there when we arrive." Lilinastre said. "Besides, I could go for a drink."

    "Not too many, Lili." I said warningly.

    "Come now, Ardolan. Surely you know what day it is today?" Suhr asked, suddenly sporting a sly grin.

    I blinked. "What? No, no I don't."

    Elereth grinned, also suddenly. "Oh, is it already time for that? I didn't realize!"

    As I looked at the rest of the group, confused, Lilinastre piped in: "I'd forgotten, myself. All the more reason to get to Skywatch!"

    "Could somebody please fill me in on what's going on here?" I asked, annoyed now.

    Elereth waved a hand airily. "Don't be like that, Ardolan!" She was grinning widely, now. "After all, it's Jester's Day! And that means..."

    "Pranks." I said, before sighing. "Oh dear."

    "How's about a bet?" Lili said. "Whoever gets pranked must do as the prankster says for a while."


    "Why would I do that?" I asked, deadpan.

    "Because, if you manage to prank me... Well, who knows what you could do..." Elereth said, adopting her seductive tone.

    "Gods damn it, Elereth." I replied, ignoring said tone. "I'm a terrible prankster! I'd never win."


    "Aw, come on, Ardolan." she said, walking closer. Her eyes adopted a look that—despite their vampiric redness—evoked a small dog. "Please?"

    "Trinimac guide me. How in Xarxes' name will I do this?" I asked Suhr, who walked with me through the city. It was in a festive mood, like the last time we visited, though here the festivities were different. Pies were thrown about, sparks flew through the air, and jesters could be seen at nearly every corner. Even some Altmer nobles could be seen enjoying the ambience of Jester's Day.

    Suhr smiled. "You must channel your inner Baan Dar, yes? Use your creativity! Perhaps you could disguise some embarrassing potion as a normal drink?"

    "That's a rather good one, actually. In a twisted way." I admitted. "I suppose you know how to procure said potion?"

    "Oho, Suhr has just the thing in mind." Suhr said, chuckling. "Mastengwe knows how to make potions with no taste—some kind of special process. And if you combine that with her research..."

    "Then I can polymorph Elereth by slipping it in her drink or something." I finished. "Stars, I don't know. It seems... Wrong."

    "Oh, it's just for fun. Do not fret so much." Suhr said, playfully punching my arm.

    "Fine, fine. I take it Masten's at the Prowler?" I asked.

    "He imagines so. Come, let us—" Suhr started, but was promptly interrupted. Mastengwe herself was already here! She had a small dog with her, and was apparently walking it.

    "Ah, speak of the Daedra!" I said, walking over. "Hello, I was wondering if you could help me out with something."

    Mastengwe turned, suddenly quite awkward. "Oh—Hello, yes. Er—Just walking my dog here."

    I looked at it. It seemed like a normal dog, and yet... Something was off about it. "Masten... This isn't a person, is it...?"

    "Well, that fell flat." Lilinastre—the dog—said. "Told you he'd cotton on."

    "What in Oblivion!? Lili!" I cried, appalled.

    "In my defense, this was unintentional." Masten said, rubbing the back of her head. "Remember that spell she agreed to test for me?"

    "Figured it would be fun to surprise you a bit, now that I'm like this. But, didn't work." Lili said, sounding disappointed.


    "Well, change back then!" I said, angry.

    "Ardolan, calm down!" Lili said, turning to me. "It could be worse. Could be a talking mudcrab."

    "Oy." Suhr piped in, slightly annoyed.

    "Either way, I need to reverse-engineer exactly what I did." Masten said, shrinking away from my gaze.

    I opened my mouth to argue, but realized it was pointless. "It had better be soon, then." I said, resigning myself. "Stars. Imagine if Father were here..."

    "Speaking of pranks, Mastengwe." Suhr said. "We were wondering if you had any potions we could prank someone with."

    "You mean Elereth, don't you?" she asked, before chuckling. "I have just the thing for you, Ardolan."

    "What do you mean?"I asked cautiously.

    "Oh, let's just say you'll like the results." she said, handing me a clear potion. "Don't worry—it won't be anything permanent. Tested that one myself. Didn't quite do what I envisioned, but... Well, you'll like it. Anyhoo, I should be off. Need to fix Lili."


    "What have I gotten myself into?" I asked myself, tucking the potion away.

    Suddenly, I heard a "Psst!" behind me. Curious, I waited until Mastengwe and canine Lilinastre walked off, then Suhr and I turned to the source. "If you're done fooling around, it's time to get serious." Razum-dar said.

    "The Heritance is planning an attack?" I asked in a shocked whisper, standing in the abandoned alley.

    Razum-dar nodded, grim. "We just received word. They plan on attacking at nightfall, when the celebrations are in full swing. Luckily, we have located their base of operations. We could sneak in, take them out quietly, and nobody would be the wiser."

    I hummed. "Surely they know I'm still alive by now, though."

    "Aye. And this one is sure they can see through any disguise we can use." Suhr said thoughtfully.

    "Any mundane disguise, perhaps. But magical ones are far more difficult to detect." Raz said, procuring the enchanted earring he once used to disguise himself as an Altmer.

    "I don't think I understand. There's only one earring. Is Suhr not going? Or am I?" I asked, confused.

    Razum-dar's mouth curled into a very slight grin. "Oh, Suhr will use the earring. But you already have a perfect disguise, Ardolan."

    I thought for a bit, then I suddenly realized what he referred to. "How in Oblivion do you know about the Wabbjack mishap?" I asked, embarrassed.

    "Oh, Raz has many, many ears, Ardolan." he replied. "But, it is the best disguise you have. It took that Magister quite some time to undo it. And nobody would expect your... Alternate persona. Very convincing disguise, yes?"

    Suhr looked at me. "He is right, Ardolan. Besides, you won't stay like that for long."

    I grumbled. "The things I do for the Dominion... Fine."

    "For the Queen, Ardolan. Now go and change—this one already got you a room at the Barbed Hook." Razum-dar said, without his usual air of sarcasm. "Warm sands."

    "How do I look?" I asked in my too-high voice, before immediately regretting how stereotypically feminine it sounded. Granted, it suited my transformed body well, but that was by no means a good thing. I sighed as I looked in the mirror again, seeing the damnably well-endowed woman in front of me.


    "It's difficult for you to look bad." Suhr's unfamiliar Altmeri voice said, startling me. He, by contrast, looked basically like a mer version of Suhr, which was odd to say the least. "But then, he knows how difficult this is for you. You have this one's—damn it, my sympathies."

    "Thanks, Suhr." I said, adjusting my blouse. "Right. I'm as ready as I can be. The password is still 'the wine is made with Alik'r grapes', right?" I added.

    "Indeed. This one—bah, I will let you do the talking. More convincing that way." Suhr replied, grabbing his daggers. Unfortunately, I had to go unarmed—I can't fight in an unfamiliar body, after all.

    "Then let's go." I said, as we both stepped into the main room of the tavern. I tried not to notice the amount of men staring at me, as we quickly walked through the crowded streets of Skywatch. Eventually, said crowd thinned as we arrived at the headquarters. I raised my hand slightly to alert Suhr, then went to the lone man at the door. He was an older mer, and eyed us sternly. "Hail there." I said, making a show of looking around suspiciously. "Is the wine here made with Alik'r grapes?"


    "Indeed it is." he replied, his face breaking into a smile. "You may pass, milady."

    I rolled my eyes as I followed Suhr inside. It was a spacious lobby, yet the room was surprisingly empty. "Right. This one will go in first. Distract the Elf in charge, then this one will slice his neck from behind." Suhr whispered, serious.

    "Got it. I'll get him talking, don't worry." I whispered back.

    We reached the large oak doors, bracing ourselves. "Ready?" Suhr asked.

    "Ready." I replied. We opened the doors, and stepped inside. More guards were standing watch, in front of a large chair, obstructing who was there. I glanced at Suhr—he was quite determined. "This the right place?" I asked them, feigning a casual tone. Instead of responding, they merely stepped aside. And my jaw promptly dropped.

    "You lost the be-eeet!" Elereth said, mockingly sing-song.

    Suhr promptly doubled over, laughing absurdly as he removed the earring. "By Alkosh's scaly nethers!" he managed to say. "That's the best Jester's Day prank this one has ever seen!"


    "This was a prank!?" I cried, incensed.

    "Yep!" Elereth said cheerfully. "Raz's idea, actually. Ran into him while he was setting up, asked if I could help. And that means—"

    "I lost the damn bet." I grumbled. "Fine, fine. What unimaginable punishment will you inflict on me?" I asked, half-sarcastically.


    "Can't believe I have to stay like this." I said, sipping my drink at the Barbed Hook, still female. Alas, that was what Elereth had ordered me to do—and I am a mer of my word.

    "Ah-ah, Synia." Elereth said, waving a finger. "A bet's a bet. Besides, I'm sure you'll learn to... Appreciate it."

    "I highly doubt that." I replied testily.

    "Really? Because I can tell you, there are... Perks, to womanhood." Elereth said, winking at me.

    "Oh gods, really!?" I cried. "I mean—Elereth, you're beautiful and all, but I have no desire to sleep with you like this!"

    Elereth giggled. "We'll see about that..." she replied, adopting the same seductive tone.

    I sighed. "I suppose I have no choice..." I said. Admittedly, the prospect was slightly exciting, despite being wrong in so many ways. "Well, we should finish our drinks. You haven't even touched yours, Elereth." I said, looking at her.


    "Oh—right you are." she said, before quickly taking a large gulp. "Don't worry, I'll finish it quickly—woah." She frowned, grasping her stomach.


    "You alright there, Elereth?" I asked, concerned.

    "What was this stuff?" Elereth asked in return, before her breasts swelled to an even more impressive size! She gasped, looking down and blushing slightly.


    "So that's what Mastengwe's potion did. Huh." I said, grinning for the first time in what felt like ages.


    "You pranked me!?" Elereth cried, before leaning over the table and kissing me. "That's the spirit!"


    "So... Wait, who's in charge, now?" I asked, looking into her eyes—and deliberately not staring at her enlarged bust.


    "Oh, does it matter? Come on, let me.. Show you a few things." she replied, as I followed her to the room.


    I believe that will suffice for this entry. I'll write again after I've... Recovered. Until then...


    -Ardolan Larethbinder

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4 Comments   |   DeltaFox and 2 others like this.
  • Sotek
    Sotek   ·  April 29, 2017
    Haha the webs we weave for pranks...
    An amusing chapter Tenebrous and an imaginative one... Well done you..
    • Tenebrous
      Haha the webs we weave for pranks...
      An amusing chapter Tenebrous and an imaginative one... Well done you..
        ·  April 29, 2017
      Thanks, Sotek! Once again, this entire chapter was me channeling my inner Sheogorath. Glad you liked it!
  • DeltaFox
    DeltaFox   ·  March 25, 2017
    Pranking time! :)
    Nice chapter. I just started reading your story and it got me hooked.
    • Tenebrous
      Pranking time! :)
      Nice chapter. I just started reading your story and it got me hooked.
        ·  March 25, 2017
      Thanks! This is really supposed to be the "April Fools" part, hence the sillier tone.