Pink Sloads

  • Editor’s introduction:


    Even if the tales in the annals of Tamriel amount only to myth, it would be folly to ignore the moral lessons they urge. In the tales of the Daedric lord, Sheogorath, we learn that his madness was the result of jealous gods lashing out at his true form, Jyggalag, in fear of his power. A god of immense power with control over much land was transformed into an unpredictable gale who, one is left to wonder, may not be in full control of himself.


    From this simple story we read a preponderance of lessons to apply to our lives; whether the powerful are kept moral by fear of madness, or those of sick mind find a spiritual home, we live our stories out to better our lives and others. We also live in fear of these powerful beings of myth choosing one of us to toy with, should we accidentally anger them, or should they find themselves bored. It is my belief that the lessons contained in the following script are of the same kind of allegory as the greater lessons contained in tales directly concerning gods.


    The script was written entirely in dialogue without situational context, which is perhaps an allusion to the setting itself -- the Shivering Isles. Because of the age of the script and nature of the writing, I have included situational context by identifying the characters and setting, and have written in contextual actions throughout the dialogue to enhance the reading experience in the hopes that the improved clarity of the script can make it a more accessible lesson to all denizens of Tamriel. 



    TOWN DRUNK: Nord

    ELF: Elf



    Shivering Isles, at an outdoor bar outside of a small village.


    The Town Drunk is sitting at a bar, leaning on the counter with a full mug of an unidentified liquor in his hands. The Elf sits next to him looking defeated, slouched with his head hanging and hands folded on the counter.


    TOWN DRUNK: Do you wonder if he can hear what we’re thinking?


    ELF: I don’t know. Why don’t you keep thinking and find out?


    TOWN DRUNK: Well now I don’t know what to think about.


    ELF: (Throwing his hand up in frustration.) Think about anything. Think about pink Sloads.


    TOWN DRUNK: Why pink?


    ELF: First color I thought of.


    TOWN DRUNK: Well then why Sloads?


    ELF: (Shrugging.) I just like Sloads.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Looking at Elf with a grin.) You shouldn’t make those jokes about your mum.


    (Elf looks up and glares at Town Drunk, raising his voice.)


    ELF: Piss off, snowback.


    (Elf returns to his slouched position. The two sit in silence for a moment.)


    TOWN DRUNK: So do you come here often?


    ELF: Easy sailor, we just met.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Spinning in his seat to turn his body towards Elf.) Just trying to size up my competition is all. No one ever downs as much brew as I do, not unless they’re looking to pass out for a few days.


    (Elf props his elbow on the counter and rests his head on his cheek, looking at Town Drunk.) 


    ELF: You sound like a real hometown hero.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Standing up straight and proudly displaying his mug.). Nope, local drunk, believe it or not! It’s a decent gig.


    ELF: (With a quizzical look.) You say that liked you get paid to do it.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Continues grinning.) Oh, I do! Mhmm. The kind folks in this place pay me enough to drink myself stupid every day and provide them with daily entertainment.


    ELF: (With a bored intonation.) And how do you entertain these people?


    TOWN DRUNK: (Waving his free hand about, imitating spell-casting.) Well I know a bit of magic, so I put on a little fire show, sometimes I’ll accidentally frenzy someone. (Shrugging.) They seem to love it, and who am I to argue?


    (Elf sits up straighter and turns towards Town Drunk.)


    ELF: How did a drunk like you learn any magic without immolating yourself?


    TOWN DRUNK: Truthfully, I was trying to be a mage before I got stuck here. And what a great mage I wanted to be! (Raises arms in air valiantly, spilling liquor on his feet. Elf withdraws his feet.) But you know how it goes.


    ELF: (Slowly shaking his head with wide eyes.) No, I actually don’t.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Leans on the counter to meet Elf face-to-face.) You mean to tell me that with ears sharp enough to cut stone, you’ve never practiced magic?


    ELF: (Getting out of his seat.) I’m leaving now.


    (Town Drunk follows him a few paces then stops, reaching out.)


    TOWN DRUNK: No, no, wait, I’m sorry! Look, I’ll buy you a drink, I’m plenty liquored up for the show this evening anyway. Or is it morning?


    (Elf sighs and turns around.) 


    ELF: (Dryly.) It’s almost noon.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Throwing his hands out and back.) Oh well la-di-da, look who can still keep track of time. You want that drink or not?


    ELF: (Pausing, arms crossed, tapping his foot and looking around.) Fine, but no more ear jokes.


    TOWN DRUNK: (With a big smile.) I’ll do you one better and not even mention your crazy eyes.


    ELF: (Narrowing his eyes.) I don’t have crazy eyes.


    TOWN DRUNK: I know, that’s why I won’t mention them. (Gesturing to the bar.) What’ll you have?


    ELF: (Walking back to his seat.) Something strong enough to make me forget my time with you.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Sliding his half-full mug to Elf.) Here, take mine. I’ll go wrangle us up some more.


    ELF: Where’s the bartender?


    TOWN DRUNK: (Walking around the bar.) We are the bartenders! It’s madness, isn’t it? Forced to get up and walk to the other side of the bar just to get more drink. I tell ya, it’s not all paradise here.


    ELF: Then why do people pay you to drink?


    (Elf sniffs his drink, recoils slightly, then downs a mouthful, clenching his face in response.)


    TOWN DRUNK: (Bent over, rummaging behind the bar.) Who knows. Maybe they need to feel like anything they do here actually matters, that they can pay to get their way, just like before. Why, most of them ran out of gold ages ago! I sneak it back into crates and pots for the ones that need to loot something to feel at home. Little do they know that I’d entertain for free! But, it makes them feel important, so I accept what they give.


    ELF: (Raises his eyebrows.) That’s awfully...nice, of you. Maybe you’re not entirely loathsome.


    TOWN DRUNK: I think that’s the drink talking. How do you like it, by the way?


    ELF: It’s fouler than Falanu’s breath.


    TOWN DRUNK: Who?


    (Elf takes another drink, grimacing less.)


    ELF: (Staring into mug.) Old friend. But it does help hide the crushing despair of this place.


    (Town Drunk comes up from bar and places two full mugs in front of him.)


    TOWN DRUNK: Aaahh, so you are new here. Not that it matters. (Gesticulating.) New, old, irrelevant. All we have is time. Might as well drink up and make the best of it, eh?


    ELF: I suppose you’re right.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Proping himself up straight on the bar.) Don’t look so glum, friend! There’s plenty of merriment to be had here.


    ELF: Why isn’t everyone getting ruined on this swill?


    TOWN DRUNK: It takes a special kind of person to stay conscious after even a mug of the stuff, so I became the lucky delegate. And it looks like you may get to be my new show partner.


    ELF: How about no.


    TOWN DRUNK: I’ll ask again at the bottom of your second mug. Here.


    (Elf downs remaining liquor in his first mug and pulls the second over, taking a drink.)


    ELF: Are you trying to get me drunk so I’ll do your stupid show with you?


    TOWN DRUNK: (Grinning.) Would you rather do my stupid show sober?


    ELF: Pretty sure I said I wasn’t doing it.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Raising his finger in the air.) I think I can convince you otherwise.


    (Elf Drinks.)



    ELF: You can try.


    TOWN DRUNK: I won’t have to.


    ELF: Why’s that?


    TOWN DRUNK: Why, you said it yourself! The crushing despair? (Leaning on counter and tapping the side of his head.) Remember? You don’t want to go back to that, do you?


    ELF: Well, you’re there. So no, not particularly.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Throwing his hands up.) Aha! You see? Unless…


    (Town Drunk slowly lowers hands and rubs his chin.)


    ELF: Unless what?


    TOWN DRUNK: (Gesturing in a questioning fashion.) Have you any strong feelings for...cheese?


    ELF: Cheese. (Tilting head with narrowed eyes.) Cheese? What kind of question is that?


    TOWN DRUNK: (Returns to leaning.) A very important one! You really did just arrive a few minutes ago, didn’t ya? Walked right through that portal to madness and up to my bar.


    ELF: Your bar?


    TOWN DRUNK: Might as well be.


    ELF: So cheese?


    (Elf Drinks.)


    TOWN DRUNK: Ah! Yes. It’s the only thing to eat around here, really. Not that we need to eat, but, you know how it goes. People like to hold onto the things that make them feel alive. (Lowers voice.) Even if they’re the furthest thing from it. Sometimes it gets in the liquor, but it washes down well enough.


    ELF: (Rubbing head in both hands.) I...I’m confused.


    TOWN DRUNK: That’s normal. At least if you’re drunk, you have an excuse, eh?


    ELF: I’m not drunk. Just annoyed.


    TOWN DRUNK: Well there’s yer problem.


    ELF: (Aggressively.) You’re my problem.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Sweeping his hand through the air, gesturing at the mugs.) No, I’m your doctor, and this is my medicine. To be taken orally throughout the day.


    (Elf Drinks.)


    ELF: I think I get it now.


    TOWN DRUNK: What’s that?


    ELF: Why I thought of Sloads.




    ELF: It’s the smell here.


    TOWN DRUNK: Ha! It truly is a horrendous stench, isn’t it?


    ELF: Truly. I’d like to forget that it ever violated my nostrils.


    TOWN DRUNK: Anything else you’d like to forget while you’re at it?


    ELF: (Exhales heavily.) …a few things, yes.


    TOWN DRUNK: (Straight-faced, slightly tilting his head.) What’s on your mind?


    (Elf pauses and takes a drink, finishing his second mug)


    ELF: I think I’ll take that third mug now.


    (Town Drunk fills two more mugs and slides one to Elf.)


    TOWN DRUNK: (Smiling warmly, raising his mug.) Cheers, friend.


    ELF: (Raising his mug with a reluctant smile.) Cheers.


    TSC's Book and Terminal Event Page


4 Comments   |   Paws and 9 others like this.
  • Sotek
    Sotek   ·  August 25
    Sorry it took so long to read Legion. 
    Once in a while a piece reveals itself to be set aside from the normal stories. This is one of those. It's casual and fun to read and set in it's own world despite tying in with what w...  more
  • Mega-Dragonborn-of-Doom (1921)
    Mega-Dragonborn-of-Doom (1921)   ·  August 20
    I've got no real comment here sorry Liege, I mean it was a really fun read and really anything where the term 'Pink Sloads' appears is something that I'm down to read :D But yeah, it was a really fun read mate 
  • The Lorc of Flowers
    The Lorc of Flowers   ·  August 20
    This be funny. And actually gives me an idea for something. :)
  • Paws
    Paws   ·  August 19
    "From this simple story we read a preponderance of lessons to apply to our lives;" Drink until we forget! :D