Caylin's Monsters
Chapter 13: A Change
Mikael fell asleep quickly, and I was thankful. Whatever had been fueling my burning desire was gone. My sanity had returned, and I was miserable.
How could I have done that. I’d never acted so rashly before.
And in the end, whatever craving or thirst I thought he would satisfy was just as bad as ever. It was all meaningless, and I felt only regret.
I turned away from Mikael. I didn’t want to look at him. I was so ashamed. I had never been with a man before, and I never thought it would happen like that.
I wanted to cry, but I was too disgusted with myself. I was angry, too, because I couldn’t even blame Mikael. He didn’t seduce me. In fact, I seduced him. What had happened to me? What was wrong with me? If Nilindil knew what I had just done, she would be so disappointed. I felt a lump in my throat as I thought about her.
I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to flee, to go hide in a corner of Tamriel where no one would ever find me. Realistically, however, where could I go? If I went back to the Companions, they would want me to become a monster.
Then I considered stealing away during the night to go join the Legion. That had been my ultimate goal all along after all.
But just as this idea began to take hold, all my shame and guilt sprung up again to push it back. Who was I kidding? How could I ever be a soldier?
I couldn’t stand being on that bed with Mikael anymore, so I moved to the floor at the foot of the bed. I didn’t want the constant reminder of my failure and shame right next to me.
As I sat there in the dark with the sounds of people talking and drinking in the background, I began to reevaluate myself.
If I could utterly lose control of myself like I had that night, what use would I be? If I couldn’t control myself, how could I be trusted to protect the people I care about? How could I protect Nilindil?
Tears finally began to accumulate in the corners of my eyes. I wiped them away quickly, still too angry at myself to allow that.
I deserved the shame and the disgust I felt, but I didn’t deserve to feel sorry for myself.
It had been my fault. If I had just been stronger, I could have…
A sudden, terrible pain shot through my body.
I had no idea what was happening. It felt like my insides were being torn apart.
I shakily rose to my feet, but I could barely stand without the support of the wall. I didn’t know what to do.
What was this? Was Ria right? Was I sick? Was this pain a symptom of that?
Without warning, the pain intensified tenfold.
It was deep in my stomach. I felt nauseous; the kind of nausea you feel when you’re starving to death… but multiplied a hundred times.
The pain was so severe I collapsed, unable to get back up.
I wanted to cry out to Mikael, to anyone, but I had no voice. I couldn’t catch my breath.
All I could do was whimper as I felt an intense heat building inside of me. It felt like I would die right then.
Suddenly my skin was on fire. Waves of pain and searing heat were washing over the surface of my body.
I got to my knees and grabbed my head. I felt like it was being knocked around by a warhammer.
I was going to die. I knew it. Whatever sickness I had contracted was systematically destroying me, piece by piece. I couldn’t withstand such an onslaught of pain for much longer.
Then, just as I had resigned myself to death, the pain began to subside.
The fire on my skin started to recede, and the sharp, stabbing pain in my stomach lessened.
I felt a profound calm come over me.
I was struggling to remember what I had been so upset about.
It was hazy, like trying to remember a dream upon waking. Then it came to me.
I looked over at Mikael. I was confused. Why had I been upset about being with him?
I rose and stood by the bed as he slept. I thought my desire for Mikael had been a mistake; that it had been just a fleeting impulse.
But it wasn’t. The fire was being rekindled.
Moment by moment my thirst for him was growing. The fiery desire that had consumed me earlier that night had returned with increased fervor and ferocity.
How could I have been ashamed of sharing myself with such a beautiful man, I thought? I wanted him so much I could taste it. I longed to embrace him once again and have him for my own. Would he be upset if I woke him? I shouldn’t, I thought. He looked so sweet lying there asleep.
I would just give him a little kiss instead.
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