Caylin's Monsters - Ch. 5: First Blood

  • Caylin's Monsters

     

     

    Chapter 5: First Blood

     

     

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    Once I regained my composure after seeing my family’s house, Farkas and I continued on our way to the next mission.  We came across another horrible scene, however.  As we came to a bridge, we saw the remnants of a battle between the Imperials and the Stormcloaks.  The soldiers’ bodies were just left there to rot.  I don’t know if there were no survivors or if the survivors couldn’t be bothered to bury their fallen comrades, but this was a disturbing reminder of why I’m trying to stop this war.

     

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    When we arrived at our destination, a mine overrun with bandits, Farkas stopped me before we went in.

     

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    “Caylin, this is not like taking down a couple of trolls.  When we go through those doors, we’ll be fighting living, breathing people; people who have weapons, possibly training, and no qualms about killing us”  My heart began to race when he said that.  I was trying not to think about it, but he knew I needed to be mentally prepared.  “These people are scum, mind you, but I don’t want you to freeze up in there.  Just stay sharp, keep your shield up, and everything will be fine.”  His words didn’t calm my nerves much, but I thought I was ready.

     

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    The battle was over within minutes.  As I stared at the bodies of the bandits I had just killed, I was numb inside.  I thought I was ready, but can anything really prepare you for the feeling of taking a life?

     

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    Taking the life of a beast didn’t even begin to compare to this… taking the life of another human being.  Who was I to decide that these men needed to die?  I had no idea what drove them to this kind of life.  Were they orphans like me who got caught up with the wrong crowd?  Would I have turned out like them if circumstances had been different?

     

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    Even after returning to Jorrvaskr, my thoughts were plagued with questions about right and wrong, justice and injustice… I couldn’t eat.  I could hardly interact with anyone at dinner.  I kept seeing the faces of those men.  I kept seeing their blood on my sword… their blood on my hands…

     

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    On the one hand, I killed those men.  I ended their lives.  On the other hand, I was acting based on orders from the Jarl.  He was the one who judged that they were too dangerous to be left alive.  I didn’t decide to kill them.  I was merely a servant of the Jarl.  As I considered my goal of becoming a soldier, I realized I would be faced with the same situation everyday.

     

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    As I laid in my bed that night, unable to sleep, I came to a decision.  My goal has always been to stop the fighting, to stop the needless deaths.  In order to reach that goal, I knew I would have to be the instrument of death at times.  Although this thought was repulsive, this was just the way it was.  In Skyrim, we are faced with life and death situations everyday, and I had to learn to accept it.  So I decided that I would go alone to the next mission.  I had to learn to do what was needed without depending on someone else.

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    The next morning, I told Farkas that I wanted to take the next mission on my own, so he gave me an assignment to clear out a cave of some bandits, or the like, that had been causing trouble in the nearby area.  One of the first things I came across as I set out, however, was a skirmish between some Imperials and Stormcloaks.

     

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    They didn’t even seem to care that they were slaughtering each other at the doorstep of someone’s home.  I just hoped that the residents weren’t caught in the middle of that gruesome scene.

     

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    As I watched the carnage from afar, it brought me back to my childhood when a skirmish like this resulted in the death of my family and the destruction of our home.

     

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    I was both sad and angry at the same time.  I was sad that innocent people’s lives were being affected and, in some cases, being torn apart.  I was angry that these soldiers and their leaders, at best, didn’t seem to notice this.  At worst, they just didn’t care.  All I could do was keep moving forward, keep learning, and keep growing stronger until, one day, I could make a difference.

     

     

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Comments

1 Comment   |   Karver the Lorc likes this.
  • Karver the Lorc
    Karver the Lorc   ·  October 5, 2018
    Who decides who lives and dies indeed. :)