She did something to me mother. I know She did, because now I can hear Her voice so clearly in my head, and I got this feeling She can also hear what I’m thinking too. I try not to think too loud about anything that may offend Her – in fact I try not to think at all - I don’t trust my mind, it has betrayed me so many times in the past. I can’t antagonize the Twilight Lady, not now that She seems to have taken a personal interest on me, but I’ve noticed her attentions may be as hurtful as her indifference. She’s answered my prayers and now I can speak to the Gods – and I can also hear their voices in my head. I felt Her azure hands touching and stirring within my soul, and when she was done I was changed forever. Now that the Gods can hear my voice, they’ve gotta start paying some attention to me, because I’m gonna scream my prayers so loud they’re gonna have to answer or be deafened by them.
I remember the stories you told me about Saint Velothis. How he talked with the true Gods and led our people to Vvarfendell, away from the decadent altmer, how he negotiated our way to salvation, how he bargained and cheated and swayed the Gods themselves for the sake of our people. I wonder if the same has happened to him. Am I like him? Am I a holy man now? because I don’t feel holy, mom, I feel just dirty and violated, because my mind is not mine anymore. The Goddess has answered my prayers, and now I wish I had been more specific about the details of my requests, because that’s not what I had meant at all. I have a better grasp now on Saint Velothis words “Do not bother the Gods with your needs, mortal. Cursed be the man whose prayers are heard, because they shall be answered!” He knew it, mom, as I know now, but I can’t complain or even think about those things anymore, for the Lady is around and She could easily eavesdrops my sinful thoughts.
There’s someone in my head. She tells me to go to Ilinalta’s Deep to recover Her Star, lest it shall be desecrated and become a black star. She guides my moves and whispers her orders. She is inside my head and Her will commands my purposes. In the dark I follow blindly through mountains and abyss – I can’t stumble, for Her two moonlit eyes watch my every step. When I get to the ruined tower I see the remains of a fisherman shackled to a cross – only the bones, the crabs having devoured his flesh. Not a clean death, mother, I could see he was tortured in unspeakable ways before dying – clear signs of necromancy, the only kind of magic nords can really master - something so vile that a good dunmer could never have anything to do with that. But not even a nord deserved to die that way – I felt sharply the Goddess’ anger and She ordered me not to spare a soul in that den of corruption. I sincerely agreed with her but, had I not, it would make no difference at all - there’s someone in my head, and it’s not me.
I am afraid to talk about this, mother, because the night has ears, and I would not tell it to anyone but you. While She was driving my hand to erase the soul of the mage Malyn Varen, who had insulted and wronged Her, I had a glimpse of the Goddess mind. It was only an instant - She was so furious that She lost self-control for a moment, or maybe She just doesn’t mind if I get to see this side of Her – would you mind if a cabbage had a glimpse of your mind? Because that’s what we are for the Gods, just supper - they don’t love us, mom. I could see in her mind only rage, despise, ambition and an insatiable hunger. Hunger for us mom - for our lives, for our flesh and blood, for our dreams, for our faith, for our souls, but no love at all. Nothing there resembling it, except perhaps Her obsessions with beauty and subtlety. She has rewarded me richly with Her own star, and it will be very useful to me, as I have been useful to Her. I have always loved the Gods, but now I am just afraid of them. I do not think we could entrust our future in Their hands. Any deal we have with then will always be only an alliance of circumstance.
Comments