Short Story: A Hoarding Problem

  • "Eh? Oh, its you. Looking for another book? You always seem to read them fast enough so that when I do get some free time, its taken up! Ah, no matter. Now then, what type of book do you want now? After all the serious books you've been reading, I bet you're in the mood for a little humor. I have just the thing. It's somewhere around here, where could it be? There! Oh, you'll like this one. Ever heard of the Dragonborn? What am I talking about, of course you have! It's not exactly secret that he was a big collector. But, what's less well know, covered up by all the hero worship, is that he was a hoarder. Don't believe me, eh? Oh, I see that look on your face. But just read this, and you'll know soon enough. Now, let me get back to me important duties in this old, dusty library."

                                                                        A Hoarding Problem 
                                                                           By Lirade Hosecot

     "Hello all, I am Lirade, and I'm proud to be bringing you the book that tells the truth, no matter how bad. Now then, today I am going to do an interview with the man, the legend, the Dragonborn. I will also be interviewing some of the people who are close to him.
    You see, the Dragonborn has a bit of a... hoarding problem. Before we talk to him about this problem though, I want to talk to Lydia, his well known loyal follower. Thank you for agreeing to be in this book Lydia, now without further ado, let's get right to it. What examples of the Dragonborn's hoarding problem have you seen?"

    "Too much, too much. When I was explaining that I was sworn to carry his burdens, he took that literally. I became a pack mule, carrying and killing just so he could hoard more. I have to carry all of his stuff, to the point where I can't run, and can barely crawl. To be fair, he takes stuff too, to the point where he has trouble moving, but I'm not his mobile backpack! Once, he made me take 400 pounds of cabbages!"

    "400 pounds of CABBAGES?"

    "Yes, he lines his house in Solitude with them."

    "Oh my."

    "Speaking of houses, he has a house in every hold, some he built himself. The chests and cabinets inside are overflowing with stuff, and he just dumps stuff all over his house, in most houses the pile
    of trash is twice as tall as you. And when he steps in, he doubles the amount of trash in the room."

    "What?"

    "Nothing."

    "Well, it's been enlightening visiting you, now I suppose it's time to meet
    the man we've been talking about, the Dragonborn himself."

    "Good luck, you'll need it."

     "So, it's an honor to meet you, but let's get right to it. Do you think you have a hoarding problem, Mr. Dragonborn?"

    "No, of course not. I'm just a collector, and some people are jealous of my collections, so they make up stories."

    "I see, would you mind if I went in your house?"

    "Not at all, go right ahead."

    "Oh my, I can't get through due to all these... are these wooden SPOONS?"

    "Yeah, sorry about that, they clog the way a bit."

    "A bit? They are stacked higher then I am tall! How many are there!?"

    "Oh, you know, just 43801."

    "JUST?"

    "I do have a, uh, slight problem. Not serious, no, I just, occasionally, kind of... well, I have this habit where I take any wooden spoons I find. Nothing even remotely bad enough to call hoarding."

    "Well, this is certainly an... interesting experience. Let's walk outside a bit while we talk."

    "Hail Companion."

    "Oh yes, you're a new companion member, looks like you're familiar with the guards. Tell me, what's it like being a Companion member?"

    "I uh, don't really know, because... this is embarrassing, but I got kicked out."

    "Kicked out? Why?"

    "I blocked the way to Jorvasker with iron daggers."

    "So, like, just the front doors right? A couple, what, thousand?"

    "It's more serious then that, I wanted to make stuff out of dragon bones. So, I made many, many iron daggers. You know the economy crisis we are having right now? That's because of me, every merchant in Skyrim ran out of gold by being forced to buy my iron daggers, and then I froze time with an Elder Scroll. So, I owned almost all gold, and it was causing a disaster, right? Well, then I lost the gold in the soul cairn, a place where you have to die to go, so yeah, it's gone for good. But I'm side tracking, the thing is, while this was going on, I keep smithing the daggers, and had nowhere to put them. So, I filled ALL of Jorvasker, even the basement."

    "Well, do you still think you don't have a hoarding problem?"

    "Of course I don't I just-"

    "You just what? Collect thousands of spoons and daggers?"

    "Of course I don't, I... I do, I have a hoarding problem. I need some time to myself, to... to think."

    "Of course, take all the time you need."

    "Well, that just about wraps it up for this book. I hope you enjoyed this special interview."

Comments

30 Comments
  • Lyall
    Lyall   ·  March 2, 2016
    XD
  • Ebonslayer
    Ebonslayer   ·  February 28, 2016
    I don't think a 70 year old vampire can get any bigger.
  • Exuro
    Exuro   ·  February 28, 2016
    You know you'll be trying it on in 10 years to see if it still fits
  • Ebonslayer
    Ebonslayer   ·  February 27, 2016
    I mean one of a kind, only can find one in the whole game type of thing like Chillrend. That doesn't mean they have to be useful though, I consider the wedding dress unique so I put it in my dresser, never to be worn again.
  • Lyall
    Lyall   ·  February 27, 2016
    Unique items... Do 43801 wooden spoons count as 'unique'?
  • Ebonslayer
    Ebonslayer   ·  February 25, 2016
    I am a collector but I would never call myself a hoarder. I only keep unique items, anything else is going to Nakuma's shop.
  • Lyall
    Lyall   ·  January 16, 2016
    It's fine, I like it when people point out typos because then my story is better.
    As for my other stories, I haven't written much, nor am I the best writer, so don't expect too much.
  • Idesto
    Idesto   ·  January 16, 2016
    Sorry for being picky: I'm quite pedantic sometimes. You wouldn't believe how my stuff comes out uneditted: my typing is terrible. That's why I always go back and edit gain, and again, and again... Everyoner has ty[os, I'm just fussy about them. (there's ...  more
  • Lyall
    Lyall   ·  January 15, 2016
    Thanks for pointing out the typos, I'll fix them. I'm similar to Sotek, my grammar and spelling isn't the best. (In fact, while typing this, I misspelled grammar as grammer.)
    As for the whole Dragonborn becoming a talk show celebrity, I didn't reall...  more
  • Idesto
    Idesto   ·  January 15, 2016
    @ Lissette that vid was brilliant!