How far in the desert do you think we are? My guess is we've just reached the middle. Is that deep enough? Heh, deep. I'm sorry, but I keep thinking about the desert as sea these days. You might object, but think about it. When you dive into the waters and you keep swimming down, there is a certain point where you won't have enough breath to come out on the surface. And the desert is the same. You go deep enough...and you won't emerge again.
Unless you find a pocket of air. Or oasis in this case. And I haven't encountered a single one. I'm slowly running out of water but it must be much worse for you.
Do you regret your decision? Would you try to make it right?
I tried, you know? Or...I wanted to.
Just few weeks later after what happened with Borgakh I met this little girl, Agni. Something about her made me think, about kids. She was special, that little troll, I know that, but maybe my child would be too. It would annoy the Oblivion out of me but also bring me joy. I hate to admit it, but I enjoyed spending time with that little witch, Agni. She had me around her fingers, so clever for her age, but still…
Children can be cruel in their innocence, I encountered that cruelty many times in Skyrim. And for some reason, it hurt more than from adults. The adults...they spit, they grimace, they even insult. But children, they say the cruel truth, calling you a monster right into your face. But not Agni.
And so I had my doubts about my decision. Maybe...just maybe I could be happy, change my decision. Maybe if I would come crawling back on my knees to Borgakh she would take me back - after some proper beating of course.
Regret can be a powerful emotion sometimes. Can turn men, elves and beasts stupid. Regret can become a self-pity. Shame. Heartache. And you would do anything to get rid of it, to become whole again, because it slowly eats you inside out. And so I decided to go back to Borgakh.
I don't understand why, but she stayed in Winterhold, in the Inn. In that time I thought she was hoping I would return. And maybe I was right, but the point is she wasn't far. She stayed in the inn, not taking any mercenary work because of her big belly - who would want to fight while having something inside you?
And so I headed there. Walked through the brewing snowstorm, the winter literally knocking on the door of Winterhold. And if you think that Winterhold in the spring is no different than in winter...you know nothing.
As I neared the inn I heard laughter and roars from inside, I heard Borgakh's voice. I smiled to myself. She was always laughing so loud, even louder than Decimus. It was more like a roar of dragon than a laugh, but...I liked it.
I had no idea what I was going to say, but it didn't really bother me. I talked myself out of much worse situations, so why wouldn't I be able to do it again? Heh, how we are naive sometimes. Believing we can talk ourselves out of trouble with a female. They see right through us, that's what they do. Damn females…
I entered the inn and there she was. Sitting near the fire in the middle of the house, so close she actually couldn't see me over the flames, but I could see her. She was laughing and the whole tavern with her. I took a step closer…
Then someone leaned closer to her. Another Orc. Urag… He whispered something into her ear and she roared in laughter. And she laughed and laughed. I was standing there, hidden behind the flames, in the shadows created by them. Invisible. And she was laughing, like if I never existed.
Then she suddenly stopped laughing, looked into the flames, right at me, her head tilted to the side. I froze, waiting. But she didn't see me.
She then took Urag's hand and placed it on her belly and I saw how that old Orc's face lit up. The baby, it was kicking. And it was Urag who was there to touch it, not me…
I walked away, unseen and unheard by the people inside. I walked out, heading back towards the College, back to Midden. Loosing all the weight that was holding me down. An idea started brewing in my head. How to get free, break the chains.
I walked...just a weightless shadow in a blizzard.
Comments
and stewing on the past and present interactions with others, he needs
the Orc equivalent of a hug.
and stewing on the past and present interactions with others, he needs
the Orc equivalent of a hug.