Practice of Magic: Memories of a Very Stupid Orc, 2nd Entry

  • I have no idea what you did with the previous piece of paper I wrote - maybe you read it, maybe you wiped your arses with it, maybe you ate it, who knows? - but I found out that this writing is in a certain way...relaxing. It helps me collect my thoughts, figure out where I'm actually heading. Or where I'm heading from…

     

    Luck smiled on me today. I was barely able to walk, with no water - even the piss ran out, and trying to make some more hurt as if Oblivion itself was trying to crawl its way out of my “tusk” - and I kept seeing things, images conjured by my mind, mistaking them for reality. So I was quite surprised when three Redguards on strange horse like animals that seemed to have two tits on their backs - the animals, not the Redguards - proved to be actually real. Some kind of Alik'r bandits or something.

     

    One dehydrated Orc who is barely walking is quite tempting prize. Three well rested Redguard warriors against delusional Orc barely standing. Not very fair.

     

    For them.

     

    I wasn't sure if I had any Magicka in me left but apparently there was enough to drain at least some of their life force. It reinvigorated me, the dizzines was gone, the weakness was gone. Of course, it didn't restore the water in my body, but thankfuly they had plenty of it. I didn't kill them, just drained some of their life force, took their clothes, water and animals - apparently they're called camels and what they have on their backs are humps that serve as water reservoirs. It allows them to survive long in the desert without water.

     

    I suppose that you noticed I left them their weapons and hopefully you won't hold a grudge against me for that. We all do what we have to do to survive and I'm just not very fond of the idea you catching up with me.

     

    Leaving those Redguards behind...it made me curious, you know? What are you going to do with them? I was considering staying around just to see the outcome, but I might be curious, not stupid. Well...at least not that stupid.

     

    Ah, the questions that are swarming in my head like bats in collapsed cave. Are you going to kill them? They are just Redguards after all. Are you going to help them? Share your water with them, your clothes for protection against that fiery ball in the sky called the sun? That will slow you down. Or you will just leave them there? Maybe they will follow you - once they wake up. If they wake up.

     

    Maybe it's time you got your hands dirty, because all options except killing them will slow you down. And can you afford that? I have camels I can ride on and very soon I will find out how this camel tastes roasted on a fire - if I find some wood of course.

     

    In any case, they are not my responsibility. Are they yours? Only you can decide. I would leave them behind again if I was given a second choice. Me and responsibility never were good friends, you know. I always washed my hands over everything. “Not my problem, not my fault,” that's what I always said. Blamed others. Heh, I still do.

     

    Maybe I would do things differently if I had the chance. Now that I've seen all possible outcomes of my choices through the shadows...maybe I would do certain things differently. And be happy. But you know what's the catch? It would never be for long, because no matter what choices would I make, you would always find me. Shatter the fragile life of my happiness...always. Or you would try. 

     

    But I can't deny that some choices still haunt me, make me doubt myself. Am I on the right path? Destroying my own life...I'm used to that. I just never expected I might ruin others' lives. Just like Borgakh. Well, from what I've heard, she's doing actually fine, but still...was I right?

     

    But you have no idea what I'm talking about. So let me indulge you, show you just another piece of my shitty life full of shitty decisions.

     

    It was several days after Labyrinthian, after my argument with Sir Shiny the Saint. Aelberon of Dusk. I'm certain you've heard of him - I've heard he climbed quite high. Anyway, I had a visit, so I went to… I actually can't remember the name of the inn in Winterhold - funny thing this memory - and I found out it is an Orc female who came to visit me. And Orc female I shared a bed with before I went to the College.

     

    Well, when I saw her, I noticed she had gotten somewhat bigger. I might have said something like: “Did you get fat, love?”

     

    Well, what can you expect?  I really thought she got fat, I was a real idiot back then - hah, probably still am. 

     

    Then the truth hit me. Literally. In the form of a big green fist attached to a very angry Orc female.

     

    She was pregnant! Tusking pregnant! How did that happen? Well, I know how it happened, but...me? Having a kid? What kind of messed up world is this? The thing is I might have said precisely these words out loud and Borgakh didn't take that very well. She tried to talk some sense into me - with her fists.

     

    But it only reminded me of my own father. Yamarz gro-Largash. Chief of Largashbur. You ever tried to grow up in an Orcish Stronghold? Maybe you did. But have you tried that while being the weakest Orc in the stronghold? They were trying to make me stronger. The hard way. It didn't work out.

     

    I couldn't imagine being a father. What if I would be the same as Yamarz? Even if I wouldn't be like that, I would still be me. And is that better than tuskin’ Yamarz? I was in a dark place back then. I believed that everyone was against me, I was addicted to Magicka potions, I was trying to gain as much power and knowledge as possible, all that to prove everyone I'm not just some weak, stupid Orc. I was trying to take control of my life. How would I do that with a kid around my neck?

     

    Was I even thinking straight? Was I right?

     

    Children don't have to repeat the mistakes of their fathers. The kid could have make me happy. Maybe if I chose differently I would realize that there are more important things in this life than power. Maybe, maybe. But what is love against the sheer raw power of magic? Power that has the potential to shape the reality, to actually make a difference. Fight against the fate.

     

    Kings alter the laws of their subjects when they want. What makes you think that the laws of nature are any different? You might not be able to comprehend what I'm saying here, with your limited intelligence, brainwashed by the so called faith of yours, but know that reality is just an opinion. One I happen to disagree with.

     

    She took my decision with strength so common among Orc females - really, if there ever were stronger creatures than Orc females I would like you to point at them. We, males, crumble under the weight of our stupid pride, honor, our knees unable to keep us on our feet any longer, being slowly eaten by our limited minds that think the males are the only and one superior species.

     

    No, you wouldn't see tears on that female's face. You wouldn't see anger. You would see only pity. A face saying: “How can you be so stupid?” She saw something in me, she told me. Something different, something that made me special, something that made her ignore the markings of an exile on my face. I was her little warrior. An exotic creature. But after the words that have been said...she said that those markings don't define me. I define them. I make myself the exile, the outcast. She said that it wasn't my father, my tribe, that exiled me. That I exiled myself.

     

    It broke me. Ripped me apart. Shattered me.

     

    I lost the ability to respond to that - what could you possible say to that? Nothing. Females can sometimes be cruel in their ability to say the double-edged truths. And she hit the bulls-eye.

     

    I left the inn, without any other word, without a look, just wandered out into the blizzard. I stopped in the middle of the road, snow above my ankles and I dropped to my knees. My mind just couldn't comprehend what just happened. How was it possible that someone could get to me like that? Decimate me as a living being with mere words?

     

    My hands began shaking again, the itch came back and I felt the need again. Magicka. I needed more. There was a mere second when a thought flashed through my mind, wondering if I shouldn't stop with those Magicka potions, that it might have its consequences. Junkies have these kinds of thoughts sometimes, usually when they get the shakes, a reminder that they should take another dose. And they think about it, considering the possibility of quitting. And then the shakes get worse and they just have to take that another dose.

     

    And so did I.

     

Comments

11 Comments   |   Meli and 9 others like this.
  • ilanisilver
    ilanisilver   ·  March 17, 2018
    Holy crap, that was an emotional rollercoaster. The Redguards and then Grulmar’s baby...good lord, that Orc’s lived. 
  • Caladran
    Caladran   ·  January 3, 2018
    Oh dear, Grulmar...  Can I hug him?
  • Exuro
    Exuro   ·  August 26, 2017
    So I read the 1st par before the heading and thought, I dont remember any lore books starting that way, haha.  I dont think this letter will garner any sympathy from his pursuers, but I do want to know how they'd react if they actually catch him afte...  more
    • Karver the Lorc
      Karver the Lorc
      Exuro
      Exuro
      Exuro
      So I read the 1st par before the heading and thought, I dont remember any lore books starting that way, haha.  I dont think this letter will garner any sympathy from his pursuers, but I do want to know how they'd react if they actually catch him afte...  more
        ·  August 27, 2017
      But you do know how they will react. You´ve already read it :)
      • Exuro
        Exuro
        Karver the Lorc
        Karver the Lorc
        Karver the Lorc
        But you do know how they will react. You´ve already read it :)
          ·  August 27, 2017
        lol, thats right, stupid me, but reaching him and catching him aren't quite the same.
  • Sotek
    Sotek   ·  January 21, 2017
    Sometimes the best heroes are the rouges. Gru has his faults as do many.
    Trouble is he keeps finding new faults to add to his other ones....  
    We love him all the same..
  • The Long-Chapper
    The Long-Chapper   ·  January 16, 2017
    Sighs, oh Grulmar. *shakes her head* 
  • The Sunflower Manual
    The Sunflower Manual   ·  January 16, 2017
    I had a good snigger at 'animals with two tits on their backs'.

    And damn it, Grulmar, you're just making one bad decision after another.
    • Karver the Lorc
      Karver the Lorc
      The Sunflower Manual
      The Sunflower Manual
      The Sunflower Manual
      I had a good snigger at 'animals with two tits on their backs'.

      And damn it, Grulmar, you're just making one bad decision after another.
        ·  January 16, 2017
      Heh, yeah. He's really tusked up character. 
  • A-Pocky-Hah!
    A-Pocky-Hah!   ·  January 16, 2017
    This is slowly turning into a confession of a drug-addict.
    • Karver the Lorc
      Karver the Lorc
      A-Pocky-Hah!
      A-Pocky-Hah!
      A-Pocky-Hah!
      This is slowly turning into a confession of a drug-addict.
        ·  January 16, 2017
      Hehe, sort of. One would think that Grulmar would be wiser. He already was addicted to Skooma after all, but no, he just jumps into the shit again.