Once you visit Astanya, she dutifully notes the Maormer invasion, and then basically brushes you off. For whatever reason Rahzam took this as a sign that he should help her out.

Why, Rahzam, why!?

Oh well. You can go to the steward and the advisor in any order. I started with the steward, who claims her cooks got poisoned. So, you have to search the crates, finding such commodities as Grahtwood cheese, an unidentified summer wine, and apples. Eventually, you find a cut of meat that seems fishy, so Rahzam shrugs and calls it poisoned. That's when a member of the Veiled Heritance attacks.

Lay off the Taco Bell, man.

After he's dead, go return to the steward, then go to the advisor, who basically asks you to fetch something he could've gotten himself. Lazy bastard. Then, go back to Astanya, who asks your help in dealing with a criminal. Behold the return of Sherlock Holmeow! Anyhoo, they want him alive, but he threatens to kill himself... And then we show up, and he's just like, "Eh. Whatever." Upon entering, he goes into a paranoid rant about the Queen's safety and the Heritance plot, and then he gets knocked out with a single punch. Lightweight.

Fasion fails at everything. Including living.

Then, go back to the captain, who suddenly frames you for being an assassin... And knocks you out like Fasion. At this point, I became convinced the Vulkhel Watch should lay down their swords and just pummel criminals into submission. You wake up in a cell, with a very dead Fasion next to you and none other than Razum-dar at the door. Apparently, Astanya is corrupt, and wants to murder the Queen. Raz asks you to save the Queen, by disguising yourself as a marine in order to get to the restricted area. So, he breaks you free, and you saunter on out. It's noteworthy that there is a guard there, he just doesn't care.

So, after that's settled, I recommend going to sign up for the two guilds in the city, Fighters and Mages. They have their own questlines, and moreover each has a very handy perk; Intimidation for Fighters and Persuasion for Mages. Nab these ASAP, they make life much easier. Now, to continue these quest lines, you have to level the associated skill line. For the FG, this is stupidly easy because all you need to do is whack Daedra, which is something you'll do anyways. For the MG, you need to hunt down lorebooks (they glow blue), which is a bit of a pain but gets you some cool lore in the process. I'm not going into detail with the Guild quests with Rahzam, though with subsequent chars I will.

The first lorebook I found, which details how the humans settled Tamriel. Note that this is in Auridon, a High Elf island, which is... Odd.

Also, I took the chance to visit Del's Claim, which is a dungeon. There are a few different kinds of delve in ESO, and Del's Claim is the most basic type; the type where you can just saunter in and whack everyone. To clear these kinds of delve, just kill the boss character. I should mention, it's really cool that in ESO, the dungeons get lore.

If no one believed him, how'd the mine become sucessful?

If you're following the roads to Tanzelwil, you'll probably run across a town called Silsailen, which is under attack by those Heritance dudes (no, we still don't know what their agenda is, though we do find out later). Silsailen is interesting because it's the first quest where there's multiple quests to do before the area objective is complete, at least in AD lands. The quests themselves are alright; you have to rescue some townfolk and some marines. The latter group actually gives you some help with a companion, who is useful in doing the final quest to help the town. Also, there's a skyshard on the roof of the manor, so nab that.

Also, Rahzam, and indeed all characters, have physics on their hair when applicable. Which is nifty.

Finally, I decided to log out at Monkey's Rest, which is an abandoned building full of monkeys that acts as a Point of Interest. It's generally a good idea to visit all of these, for they offer achievements and XP. However, this time, there was a random werewolf player feasting on the monkeys, which was weird but hilarious, especially with all the monkey screams and werwolf snarling (sorry, monkeys).

He's the leader of the bunch, you know him well. He's finally back, to kick some tail!

That's all for this post! Thanks for reading.

Then, I went to South Beacon, which for some reason seems to be the grinding central of Auridon; you'll always find some players mercilessly slaughtering Maormer. The reason the Maormer are here at all is because they've hijacked the lighthouse. So, you have to rescue some dudes to help you take it back. Then, gather some materials to burn down the place (yes, it's made of stone, but apparently with the right mixture, it works anyways). Then, slaughter your way inside, kill the boss Maormer and his pet snake (who both may be a challenge). Also, during the killings, a bug made it so that one soldier kept drinking his ale (?) as I sucked away his health.

If I die, I die happy!

Tempting though it may be to leap off the lighthouse tower to your death and respawn, the game forces you to use the given teleport scroll.

"But this one wants to die, damn it!" -Rahzam-do

I then took the opportunity to wayshrine back to town, for crafting mostly. Wayshrines are ESO's fast travel system; you can travel from a shrine to any other shrine free, or you can teleport to one at any time with monies. Though who you're paying, exactly, is unanswered.

The gods try to swindle you so they can buy Skyrim Special Edition. Try to avoid paying, when possible.

Once again getting distracting from our duties, I popped by Phaer, a small town currently afflicted by a plague. Most sensible adventurers would leave the place be, but Rahzam is not a sensible adventurer. So, go to the town alchemist, who asks you to find some salloweed outside town. You'll find some crazy "plagued townsfolk" that will try to kill you, but they're not really dangerous. You'll also find the ruins of Ondil, which if you're doing the Mages Guild questline, is where you need to go for the first quest. I decided to go there, despite not being on the MG quest, because dungeons are cool and Hendil doesn't care if you take a while.

Inside, you'll find a Maormer vampire, Aluvus, and his Bloodthralls, which look and act exactly like the plagued villagers, which is of course extremely suspicious. This gets explained in a bit, at least.

You mother get up, come on get down with the sickness!

When that's settled, go back to Hendil, who asks you to pass his salve to various people in town before they get sick with this mystery plague. Rahzam somehow fails to mention his visit to Ondil, and the suspicious resemblence between the thralls and the plague victims, but whatever. After you complete this, Hendil thanks you, and then the town mayor calls you over. She's suspicious of Hendil, which is a fine example of paranoia, but Rahzam agrees to check Hendil's house anyways, because she's a nice old lady worried about her sons. You can pick the lock on the front door, but you can also slip in through a window. And then just walk out the door.

Security in Phaer leaves much to be desired

Inside, you'll find a journal, where Hendil reveals he's bringing the villagers to his son. At this point, it's abundantly clear the son is a vampire as well, though no one seems to realize this. You need to get inside quarantine, so after talking to the old lady again, go talk to the mercenary drinking nearby. You have to bribe him to tell you where the mercenary uniforms are kept. Unfortunate, but he's nice at least.

Persuasion 101, Oblivion-style

Inside quarantine, you find one of the old lady's sons, who passes out. Rahzam shrugs and leaves him there to hunt down Hendil. After fighting through more thralls, he leaves his assistant Amuur to fight you. Despite being unarmored, he's shockingly reselient, to the point that I was afraid I might die until someone showed up to help.

Then, go hunt down Hendil, who begs you to not kill his vampire son. Naturally, do so anyways, upon which Hendil finally realizes the batshit insanity of making a plague to feed a vampire. Tie him up, and go to report him to the local authorities (which are actually the mercenaries for some reason), but then the old lady shows up! After hearing about Hendil's plan, she wants to kill him herself. I chose to turn him in to the mercenaries anyways, mostly because she gets legitimately frightening during this, and I don't feel Hendil deserved whateve she planned.

After that was done, I ran into a woman named Minique, who is racist and insults Rahzam. It was at this point I decided it was time for murder, law be damned.

Yes, insult the heavily armored Khajiit with a mace that just killed a vampire. Sure, that'll work out.

Now, murder ranks pretty high on the Tamriel Scale of Crime, so the guards will be out for your blood for a while if you do this. Guards are immortal in this game, so don't try to fight them. Seeing as how all she had on her were calipers, I waited for the heat (re: guard fury) to die down and handed myself in. The guard happily accepted my 37 gold and the calipers, and walked away. Clearly, no one liked Minique much.

That's all for this post! Thanks for reading.

When I finally got around to Tanzelwil, I found a bunch of nobles sort of standing around. A surprising amount of them are actually OK people, but the really interesting one was the noble with an eyepatch. I headcanon that she was a pirate at some point.

Keelhaul, that filthy landlubber, send him down to the depths below!

Then, go talk to the Prince (who is still kind of an asshat), and then Ayrenn. Ayrenn is pretty funny during this quest, actually. It's the dialogue that sells it, really.

And we'll never be royals! (Royals!)

Anyhow. Tanzelwil is basically a shrine to the ancestors of the Altmer, who are very, very important to them. Except that the ancestors have all gone crazy and apparently don't like Ayrenn. Which has to be a religious nightmare for the High Elves. Bummer. It's up to us to help some priests out (watch out for the boss, she's pretty tough). Then, follow Ayrenn as she runs into a crypt, which is hilariously risky because if she dies, the Aldmeri Dominion will probably fall apart. Hell, she doesn't even want Urcelmo, her battlereeve and bodyguard, to come with her. At least she lets you come with.

Ayrenn pls

Also, Norion (the advisor from Vulkhel Guard) is probably behind this, so we get to whack him. Doubly amusing because he is a jerk. Inside, whack all the spirits after your blood as you follow the Queen. Eventually, you'll find Norion, who is actually a major threat because he can summon spirits to help him out. My strategy was to wail on Norion until he summoned a spirit, take out said spirit, then go back to Norion. When it's done, Ayrenn completes her ritual and gives you a nifty bow. Then, talk to Urcelmo, who seems a bit sad at being left out. He tells you to find Razum-dar at Mathiisen, because Norion had ties to the Heritance, so that's something to look forward to.

Also, while at Tanzelwil, you'll probably find a dungeon on your map. It's Toothmaul Gully, and it's a Public Dungeon, meaning it's harder than normal dungeons, but doable solo if you know what you're doing. I decided to steer clear for now, but I'll pop back later. Also, nearby there's a few skellys with spears in their heads, which is a bit sad and spooky.

I have this stabbing headache right now.

That's all for this post! Thanks for reading.

Hooray, this has been featured! Thanks, guys!

The first bit involving Khenarthi's Roost has been PDF'd for your reading pleasure! Featuring spellchecking and titles for the individual entries, as well as being able to download for offline viewing and/or sharing. Here you go!

To finish up the Iluvamir subzone (UESP wrongly spells it as 'Lluvamir', for the record), I went to Glister Vale, where a mad mage captured some of Ayrenn's noble gang. Go through the tunnel after recieving the quest, dealing with the homicidal wildlife, and then enter the tower. There, you will find an accountant, who has been driven crazy and wants your clothes.

Kinky.

Then, go talk to the mad mage himself, who lets you interfere with his experiments for... Well, really no good reason. Then, go into the general's realm of anger, and kill the manifestation while the madman rambles philosophically about war, seemingly out of boredom.

Then, go into the realm of Merion's bliss, where the bloke is madly in love with a ghost. Kinky, again. Go gather some shrooms to make drugs a potion to save his mind. When you dispel the ghost lady, he snaps to his senses, and claims he has a wife before immediately fantasizing about another noble. Maybe it'd have been better if he was with the ghost. Would've spared us the mage's painful pun.

The puns! They hurt!

Finally, enter the despair of Nuulehtel, where you have to make him a fire. This somehow cures his crippling depression, which is nice I guess. And after he's happy, you can finally go kill the mage! Hooray! He's a necromancer, so watch for the zombie he summons. And then, finish the quest, learning that apparently he used to be a part of the noble gang himself. The quest reward includes, for no discernable reason, pants that make you hear laughter.

It flows through my veins... Like giant radioactive pants!

Then, I popped by the Banished Cells. Not to actually complete the quest, since I had no buddies with me, but rather to immediately leave. The questgiver doesn't mind in the slightest. The Undaunted apparently think just going there is cool enough, because they proceed to initiate you to their guild with drunken singing. And hilarious insults.

Also, a random player was playing the lute. This only added to the fun.

Then, I finally figured out who the hell Alessio is! He's the questgiver for the Morrowind tutorial. I didn't do it, for reasons I will reveal later (it'll make sense once I do). Instead, I ran around Vulkhel Guard, eventually finding a tiny island near the docks. Rahzam celebrated not getting eaten by slaughterfish with a drink.

Of course, this clearly got him quite drunk, for I then found a woman standing over her own corpse, which is simultaneously hilarious, illogical, and metal as hell.

That's all for this post! Thanks for reading.

The bit involving the Iluvamir subzone of Auridon has been PDF'd for your reading pleasure! Featuring spellchecking and titles for the individual entries, as well as being able to download for offline viewing and/or sharing. Here you go!

On my way to Mathiisen,  I popped by a dungeon called Entila's Folly, which is full of spiders. Spiders were once the deadliest enemy type in the game; they had lots of health and hit very hard. Thankfully, the gods at Zenimax nerfed them a while back, so now you can actually kill them.

Also, there's a nutcase Khajiit that serves as a boss there. Read his journals, they're interesting.

Then, I went to Mathiisen, which is under Heritance control. The Heritance, it is finally revealed, are a bunch of Altmer supremacists and racists that want only Altmer in power. So bascially, the Dominion of the Fourth Era. Razum-dar tells you to go see agent Fistalle, but run around town and talk to people first to really see the asshole-ery of the Heritance and most of the Altmer there. Except for the foreman, she's a nice person.

Also, pop by the Mathiisen Manor, the large Altmer-style player house. There are houses for every playable race style, which is epic, and Mathiisen Manor is positively gigantic. It's very likely you won't be able to afford it (both the in-game gold and real-world money prices are astounding), but you can preview it unfurnished and furnished to help you want it more.

Of course, Mathiisen isn't exactly prime real estate, but just look at that place!

When you do get to Fistalle, she's dead. Bummer. Raz actually gets sad at her death, and remains sad throughout the quests here, which is a first. After analyzing the note, he sends you to the forge area, which is swarming with Heritance dudes. Find the note that reveals that the forgemaster and canonreeve are with them, then go back to Raz. He'll tell you to pop by Malanie's house, where you'll find a Heritance uniform. Worthy of note that no one cares you've just broken into the canonreeve's home, but whatever. Then, Raz will tell you to get yourself captured as part of his plan. Though this is a bit crazy, Raz offers a good enough explanation, complete with a hilarious Noodle Incident he refuses to talk about.

Tonight on Jackass...

It was at this point I reached Level 10, which means I can go to Cyrodiil. I won't, yet, but it is worthy of note. Anyways, go to Malanie, and go full ham until they knock you out.

Why did they arrest the forest? Tree-son. You may murder me now.

Then, go whack the forgemaster, and follow Raz to whack the canonreeve. Usually, she's pretty tough, but Rahzam had a surprisingly easy time with her.  When she's dead, Raz tells you to head to Skywatch. I spent some time, however, talking to the people around town. Most of the Altmer have changed their tune, which is enough to warrant their survival. Not so for Anaril, who still insults a Khajiit player. Time for murder.

Drowning deep, in my sea of loathing...

Luckily, no guards were around to collect my bounty. Since bounty decays over time, you can just log out or hide in the wilderness until it goes away. So, I went to a World Boss (basically super-powerful bosses found out in the wilderness), which consisted of a ghostly Maormer crew. I thought I could take them, but I was wrong, and I died as a result. Actually, I was frozen solid and shattered by an ice spell, which is pretty harsh.

Cue the Dark Souls "YOU DIED" screen

This being Rahzam's first death, I decided to memorialize it.

That's all for this post! Thanks for reading.