I think it is time for some old school classics cracking jokes of the Elder Scrolls. You know some? Share. Don´t know any? Then read a let these lines conjure a smile on your lips. Just don´t fall from your chair.
- "How is your wife," asked Zalither. "She's in bed with laryngitis," replied Harlyth. "Is that Argonian bastard back in town again?"
- "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." "Have you seen a healer?" "No, just spots."
- A big Nord named Julgen was set on by a gang of thieves. He fought them furiously, but in the end, they beat him into semiconsciousness. They searched his pockets and discovered that he only had three gold pieces on him.
"Do you mean to tell us you fought us like a mad lupe for three lousy gold pieces?" sneered one of the thieves.
"No," answered Julgen. "I was afraid you were after the four hundred gold pieces in my boot."
- During the War of Betony, the Bretons in the Isle of Craghold were under siege for several days. After the island was liberated, Lord Bridwell found the ruins of the castle where a crowd of survivors were hidden away in the dark. It was going to be a difficult job freeing them, as part of the roof had collapsed trapping them all within. Bridwell stuck his head in the only opening and shouted to the Bretons below: "Are there any expectant mothers down there?"
"It's hard to say, your Lordship," said a young woman. "We've only been down here for a few days."
- An elderly Breton met with a contemporary of his at a guild meeting. "Harryston, old man, I wanted to express my sympathy. I hear that you buried your wife last week."
"Had to, old boy," replied Harryston. "Dead, you know."
- Why was the Sentinel army so useless during the War of Betony? The cannons were too heavy, so all three garbage scows sunk.
- What does a new Sentinel private learn first as a combat technique? How to retreat.
- What is the thinnest book in the world? Redguard Heroes of the War of Betony.
- A Dark Elf man killed his wife after catching her making love with another man. When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."
- A Dark Elf woman was being shown around Daggerfall. When she was shown the magnificent Castle Daggerfall, she smiled sweetly to her guide and whispered, "It reminds me of sex."
"That's odd," said her guide. "Why does our Castle Daggerfall remind you of sex?"
The Dark Elf sighed, "Everything does."
- Yelithah told Vathysah that she was having dinner with a Dark Elf named Morleth that night.
"I hear he's an animal," said Vathysah. "He'll rip your dress right off you."
"Thank you for telling me," said Yelithah, "I'll be sure to wear an old dress."
- How do you separate sailors in the Khajiiti navy? With a hammer and tongs.
- "This orchard has sentimental value to me," said Mojhad, the Khajiit, to his friend, Hasillid. "Under that tree, for example, is where I first made love. And that tree, is where her mother stood, watching us."
"She watched you while you made love to her daughter?" said Hasillid, clearly impressed. "Didn't she say anything?"
"Meow."
- What do you call a Wood Elf who doesn't lie or cheat or steal? A dead Wood Elf.
- Why does Dagoth Ur always carry asprin with him? To help in case of a heart attack.
- Why did the shoe store go out of business? It was in Argonia.
- What makes Sheogorath stand out above the other Daedra? A ladder.
- Two mudcrabs are eating a dead Argonian. One says "I hate sea food." The other says "OH MY GOSH! A TALKING MUDCRAB!!!
- Argonian in Morrowind: "All I wanted was a pair of boots."
- A Nord decides to cut down a tree. What does he tell it? "You will die where ya stand!"
- Why does Fargoth smell? So blind people can hate him too.
- Altmer asks Dunmer: Do you know how to save 5 drowning Bosmer? Dunmer answers: No. Altmer says: Good.
- What do you call a Nord with two brain cells? Pregnant.
- What do you call a Bosmer everyone likes? Dead
- A blind Dunmer is sitting in a tavern when he suddenly pipes up. "Hey, anyone wanna hear a joke about a dumb Nord?" The man next to the blind Dunmer speaks up, "Before you tell this joke, there's a few things you need to know." "Sure," says the Dunmer, "What's that?" "Well, for one thing, the bartender is a Nord." the man says, "And so is the doorman. And the man next to you, he's a Nord, too. And the two very large men in the corner by the door, they're Nords, as well. In fact, I'm a Nord, too." The man leans in really closely to the blind Dunmer. "So, you still want to tell that joke about a dumb Nord?" The blind Dunmer cleared his throat and smiled, "Nah... not if I'm going to have to explain it 6 fetchin' times!"
- A Khajiit walks into a bar and the bar tender says,"Why the long face?"
- What does an Imperial Guard recruit do for fun? Himself.
I think it is time for some old school classics cracking jokes of the Elder Scrolls. You know some? Share. Don´t know any? Then read a let these lines conjure a smile on your lips. Just don´t fall from your chair.
- "How is your wife," asked Zalither. "She's in bed with laryngitis," replied Harlyth. "Is that Argonian bastard back in town again?"
- "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." "Have you seen a healer?" "No, just spots."
- A big Nord named Julgen was set on by a gang of thieves. He fought them furiously, but in the end, they beat him into semiconsciousness. They searched his pockets and discovered that he only had three gold pieces on him.
"Do you mean to tell us you fought us like a mad lupe for three lousy gold pieces?" sneered one of the thieves.
"No," answered Julgen. "I was afraid you were after the four hundred gold pieces in my boot."
- During the War of Betony, the Bretons in the Isle of Craghold were under siege for several days. After the island was liberated, Lord Bridwell found the ruins of the castle where a crowd of survivors were hidden away in the dark. It was going to be a difficult job freeing them, as part of the roof had collapsed trapping them all within. Bridwell stuck his head in the only opening and shouted to the Bretons below: "Are there any expectant mothers down there?"
"It's hard to say, your Lordship," said a young woman. "We've only been down here for a few days."
- An elderly Breton met with a contemporary of his at a guild meeting. "Harryston, old man, I wanted to express my sympathy. I hear that you buried your wife last week."
"Had to, old boy," replied Harryston. "Dead, you know."
- Why was the Sentinel army so useless during the War of Betony? The cannons were too heavy, so all three garbage scows sunk.
- What does a new Sentinel private learn first as a combat technique? How to retreat.
- What is the thinnest book in the world? Redguard Heroes of the War of Betony.
- A Dark Elf man killed his wife after catching her making love with another man. When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."
- A Dark Elf woman was being shown around Daggerfall. When she was shown the magnificent Castle Daggerfall, she smiled sweetly to her guide and whispered, "It reminds me of sex."
"That's odd," said her guide. "Why does our Castle Daggerfall remind you of sex?"
The Dark Elf sighed, "Everything does."
- Yelithah told Vathysah that she was having dinner with a Dark Elf named Morleth that night.
"I hear he's an animal," said Vathysah. "He'll rip your dress right off you."
"Thank you for telling me," said Yelithah, "I'll be sure to wear an old dress."
- How do you separate sailors in the Khajiiti navy? With a hammer and tongs.
- "This orchard has sentimental value to me," said Mojhad, the Khajiit, to his friend, Hasillid. "Under that tree, for example, is where I first made love. And that tree, is where her mother stood, watching us."
"She watched you while you made love to her daughter?" said Hasillid, clearly impressed. "Didn't she say anything?"
"Meow."
- What do you call a Wood Elf who doesn't lie or cheat or steal? A dead Wood Elf.
- Why does Dagoth Ur always carry asprin with him? To help in case of a heart attack.
- Why did the shoe store go out of business? It was in Argonia.
- What makes Sheogorath stand out above the other Daedra? A ladder.
- Two mudcrabs are eating a dead Argonian. One says "I hate sea food." The other says "OH MY GOSH! A TALKING MUDCRAB!!!
- Argonian in Morrowind: "All I wanted was a pair of boots."
- A Nord decides to cut down a tree. What does he tell it? "You will die where ya stand!"
- Why does Fargoth smell? So blind people can hate him too.
- Altmer asks Dunmer: Do you know how to save 5 drowning Bosmer? Dunmer answers: No. Altmer says: Good.
- What do you call a Nord with two brain cells? Pregnant.
- What do you call a Bosmer everyone likes? Dead
- A blind Dunmer is sitting in a tavern when he suddenly pipes up. "Hey, anyone wanna hear a joke about a dumb Nord?" The man next to the blind Dunmer speaks up, "Before you tell this joke, there's a few things you need to know." "Sure," says the Dunmer, "What's that?" "Well, for one thing, the bartender is a Nord." the man says, "And so is the doorman. And the man next to you, he's a Nord, too. And the two very large men in the corner by the door, they're Nords, as well. In fact, I'm a Nord, too." The man leans in really closely to the blind Dunmer. "So, you still want to tell that joke about a dumb Nord?" The blind Dunmer cleared his throat and smiled, "Nah... not if I'm going to have to explain it 6 fetchin' times!"
- A Khajiit walks into a bar and the bar tender says,"Why the long face?"
- What does an Imperial Guard recruit do for fun? Himself.
